Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

While I agree with this in general, the flaw in asking the husband to come up with a solution is that he has no innate understanding of OP’s industry, job market or what she needs from a new job in terms of both day-to-day and career prospects. And the converse is true regarding her knowledge of his job.

Both of them need to be prepared to be very honest about this.

That’s not quite true - there are of course jobs in my industry in London that are less pressure, fewer hours etc etc - but they pay too little for us to live on in London. Eg I’d love to work for the public sector, but we couldn’t afford to stay in our current house on this (would be a c65% pay cut), much less move to better school area - that’s the issue.

If husband had a local job then fine. But ghe is going to be commuting to London. That's a big fixed cost.

He will just quit the job and find q new one wherever they end up

So it would work for you to move up north, be mortgage free, and work locally in a much less stressful role in something adjacent to your industry.

I haven't got why you can't do all those things in Bedford?

You don't need to move to a "commuter town", you need to move to a place that is pleasant in its own right, has local jobs at the lower tier you'd like to move to, has houses you could buy most of with your existing equity (nowt wrong with a small remaining mortgage) near decent school,.... and is no more than an hour by train from London. Surely there are lots of such places. Suggest you start with looking at stops on the train line that heads to where your parents live?

He needs to commute. You don't. You just need to choose a place such that his commute would work, and accept that "the north" is too far.

But they have no ties to Bedford no network etc

It could still be more expensive that living in a Northern city where they have family and know they like the areas.

They want to live in a city and not commute from an average town into a city. I’d choose Leeds, Manchester or Sheffield over Bedford every time!

Not quite. She said the equity would afford them a 5 bed detached in the area she grew up, which is between Leeds and Manchester. I've an idea of where she's thinking. And later specified she didn't mean a property had to be a 5 bed detached, only that this is an example of what they could afford. As she's somewhere cramped now, there's quite a lot of room to upgrade the home between that and 5 bed detached.

She’s said different things at different points.

Manchester/Leeds direction, but also wouldn’t rule out eg York/Sheffield. DH’s are more rural and more east.
^^
I fully agree re the attractions of eg Leeds. For me it would offer all the benefits of city life that I love but on a smaller scale, so shorter journeys and also nicer climate as far as I’m concerned.

One thing she's never said is that it has to be a large detached in Leeds, so there's no reason for that to be our example. I think we've established by now that even if she did narrow it down to there specifically, there's likely to be more available for 700k than a small detached on the outskirts, and certainly plenty that would be an upgrade on a cramped 3 bed.

Does your industry only have jobs available in cities that you could do, or do they also exist in towns in other parts of the country?

If so, then maybe you need to reconsider your decision about only wanting to live in cities, because wherever you choose up north isn't going to allow your DH to continue in his career at another institution of equal prestige elsewhere, as locations (as well as jobs in them) will be very few and far between.

If he has to continue working in London, then it makes sense to minimise his travelling costs and time away from family. But since you cannot either continue to afford to live in London, or to move to a city up north which would be too far away from his work, then a compromise has to be made somewhere, and I think it is location.

Look at North Hertfordshire towns. Decent schools (including some private), on the A1M, less than half an hour from Luton Airport, and with fast trains to London in one direction and intercity trains via Peterborough to Leeds, York, Doncaster etc in the other. House prices would be within your range. Come to think of it, Peterborough might also be an option.

You would be close enough to London for your dc to embark on the same career as your DH if they so chose, and although it is a compromise location-wise for you, your health has to come first.

It was just an example. What have “we” established? Have you even bothered to look at property prices?

She doesn’t have to live in Leeds or Manchester or York or Sheffield - she could buy a manor in Barrow in Furness for all I care, but DH will have to agree.

Yes, but there are options to buy a much cheaper house within commuting distance of London. You have repeatedly stated that the commute would be too much on top of your current job. You don’t appear to have considered the idea of commuting to a more flexible, shorter hours, less pressure fewer days in the office London job?

But it sounds like he can't easily do that. He has to be in London. They can afford London if they move to the outer zones.

If it's the sort of thing I think it might be, then finding another one would be very tricky indeed.

OP if you re-read this thread it seems clear what you want to do. Leave your job. Get your health back. Have more time with the children. Find good schools for the long term. Be closer to family members. Maybe even have more time for yourself and to do the things that give you joy. You’ve worked incredibly hard, you no longer enjoy it, there is a viable alternative and now seems a good time for a change.

But as you say, it is you who will be pushing for this big life change, and doing it will involve risk, work, some guilt, a lot of adjustment and, crucially, courage. Your DP will come around if the outcomes for the rest of the family are demonstrably better, and you’ll find solutions.

You have the vision and you know you need to take action even if you don’t know the actual steps just yet.

So go for it. Carpe diem and good luck.

She has discussed this - that the jobs don’t exist in the commuter towns and the less pressured and long hours jobs in her industry come with much less pay.

She said a few posts ago that there were such jobs in London.
Less pay is fine because the house is cheaper, that is the point of moving!

Why would she need to work in the commuter town?

@HotCrossBunplease I do not want to live in a commuter town and then commute into London - I’ve said this about 100 times on the thread, and explained why, and it’s really the only thing I’m certain about.

How are you feeling about things now @ChickenChitty?

Has this thread helped you? Do you have an idea of your next steps?

Have you spoken with your DH?

It has, it’s been a massive help @Bredaa.

DH and I had a bit of a chat about it last night - he’s open to moving and commuting from somewhere, including near where my family is. I’m also going to have a look at some other alternatives mentioned here (eg bath, bristol) in terms of jobs and schools in case some of those result in a better balance.

I actually just feel an immense sense of peace that I’ve decided in my own mind to leave my job. Thanks again for all the replies.

The reason that you gave for this was that commuting was incompatible with your current job.

I’m with you OP - I would rather live in another city than in a commuter town.

i also wonder if your DH is a ‘creative’ if he would feel better in a creative centre so has a preference for somewhere else? From what you’ve said he’s teaching but also the rest of the time he’s creating so moving somewhere he could add to the teaching could be helpful

He will just have to adapt his job? "Trailing spouses" do this all the time. He might not have the exact same type of work but the main breadwinner needs to take priority

If i were you OP I would move to Manchester (city centre).