Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

Sure. But afaik includes heating & hot water. And what would London commute + accommodation cost annually?

Service charges are a nightmare - finding £1k a month on top of the mortgage is prohibitive.
Yes you have costs when you own a house but you are in control of that

From what OP said it would be 30 nights in a travel lodge or with a friend and 30 return journeys from wherever - I think you’d struggle to get that to £10k

I think as well, the two aren't an equal comparison because you're generally tied into the massive service charge as long as you own the property. In order to be free of it, you need someone willing to take it off your hands and to go through an expensive process. That's not the case with a train and budget hotel.

I think this is a good time to relocate from London to a northern city - particularly if worried about costs

Work stress is so utterly pervasive, I can well imagine how it has driven you to the edge.

We moved from very central London to a commuter belt village. It’s lovely, but I absolutely wouldn’t recommend it in your circumstances, I totally see where you are coming from. My DH is out of the house 7am-7.30pm with just a standard office job. There is no way he could do 60+ hours plus the commute. Add to that a hugely unreliable train service. Moving to the burbs or commuter belt would just make your life much harder.

I do 60hrs a week and it is breaking me in all
sorts of ways. I can’t imagine doing 60hrs + being unwell + wanting to stop + having to move house for schools + being the main bread winner.

For us certain things come first above all others, excellent schooling is one and health + happiness is the other.

I would list your priorities and he can list his, and together I hope you can find a solution. In your circumstances I would move and he can commute + stay overnight. I’d do this for my DH if it was what’s needed

Two different things are being conflated here.

1. buying a flat as the family home instead of a house
2. Buying a flat as a pied à terre for the husband when working in London

I agree that buying a flat for the husband is not economically viable. But if a London flat were considered as the family home, service charge is not necessarily a deal-breaker when the lower cost of buying is factored in.

Absolutely, and I'm not saying it's a bad deal for those services either. If you can comfortably afford them, it may make sense.

However it's a very substantial and fixed cost, that involves turning over a lot of control. So it wouldn't just be about whether a household does have that 11k a year. But also whether they're comfortable enough to commit to spending it indefinitely, without scope to reduce it when there are lots of other options to purchase property at that price point where you've more control over the costs.

It may not have been clear as I didn't quote, but I was replying to the post just before mine about 30 x travel cost and budget hotel/mates rather than buying a small London place for the DH.

Well yes but then so is a mortgage.

Flat: 700k equity + 100k mortgage at £550 pm + 10k service charge = 16,600k pa. (Which covers heating, hot water + building insurance).

Current house: 700k equity + 600k* mortgage = £3500 pm = 42k pa.

Is there no way he could get a similar job in your home town, which I'm sure you've thought about? No way he could work from home or partly from home?

OP is talking about buying outright, ie no mortgage. A lifestyle change to a lower cost of living is what's desirable to her.

I disagree that doing it in stages is smart.
When you have a safety net you subconsciously make lesseffort to make a leap work

Terms are generally 30-32 weeks.

@ £80 night = £2500 + £3200 return travel = £5700 + food = £6000.

You can’t impose on friends indefinitely.

i know a few people who pay friends to stay with them one night a week in London.

I know. I was simply comparing current status quo in London with a flat option.

To buy a 600-700k house outright in Leeds would be small and on the outskirts.
An 800k house in Leeds, as we have seen, is no bigger in square footage than a flat for the same price in London. And it would still require a mortgage.

I think the property is a red herring

the more important factor is what jobs OP can do, where they are and what the work life balance is

I don't know Leeds well, but are you quite sure the only 700k houses available there are both small (ie presumably smaller than they're in now) and on the outskirts? OP has been clear it doesn't have to be a massive detached and that she'd be open to various northern areas anyway, so it may be moot, but this particular sentence interested me. I'm northern but not Leeds way.

Its ridiculous 😂 im looking on rightmove now and seeing loads of nice houses for 400 tops

Thing is, life can change, and if you move up north and get ill again, you are living off your husband's income, which is London based, and to do his job he has to shell out for train fares and overnight accommodation, which will take a huge chunk out of his income, plus being away from home.

It's risky. At least if you both live in London and one of you gets ill, the other will still have a relatively local job and no huge outgoings like the commuting and overnight stay costs.

But he doesn’t earn enough to sustain them in London or outside London - that’s the whole problem

OP specified large, detached and mortgage free. I’m not sure she will get that for 700k unless it’s on the outskirts and they’re not that big.

I don't think @ChickenChitty is looking for a mansion. What ticks her box is both families being local. Transport into the city. DS gets into Leeds for £7 a day on the train. It's very reliable. His partner's family are a short drive away. They're on the edge of the countryside. The primary schools are small and friendly. They have the best of both worlds IMO.

OP has also been clear that she cannot continue doing her current job and there are absolutely no other jobs in her industry in London that offer shorter hours, part time, fewer than 3/5 days in office or less pressure.

I think this is a great idea OP.

I have read all of your replies and think you’ve explained the juggling of priorities really well.

It makes absolute sense for you and your kids to get out of London for a better quality of life and a better work/life balance for you.

I also agree that moving to the commuter belt and then still working in London is not a solution in any way.

Put the problem to him and don’t try and fill the gaps/silence.

His response will tell you a lot about how much he’s willing to compromise and what is possible.