Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

Wishing you all the very best OP.
I don’t think me ranting further about male selfishness will add anything constructive to this thread.
But please do look after yourself. You sound like a loving and highly capable wife and mother. You deserve to carve out a life in which you also matter. Xx

He’s working in his chosen career and enjoying it and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that as long as I’ve been ok with it too, but I’m not really ok with the balance anymore and I do feel guilt about the impact of that on him.

He doesnt appear to feel particularly guilty about the impact your current set up is having on you though does he? As long as he is happy it doesnt sound like he gives you and your feelings a seconds thought.

I agree. I have said a few times to ask her DH to put HIS thinking cap on to resolve it.

I am also from a fatherless background with a mother who had significant MH issues. I had 5 younger siblings and now know I was ‘parentified’ - took on far to much responsibility as a child - and this is what we know to survive. We give everyone else our blood sweat and tears until we are wrung out. Usually in out 40s
at menopause when our mind and body can’t plate spin anymore.

Please look after yourself because the person closest to you is not caring for your mental and emotional wellbeing. Im probably projecting as I am older than you but I also had a husband I indulged. At the end of the day the relationship with your DCs is all that matters. You need to experience the joy of motherhood and the current set up doesn’t allow this. Your DCs need you to be rested, engaged, emotionally available, connected to them, happy and content for them to emotionally develop well. Do what suits you and your DCs. Current set up is not sustainable.

The more I read the more convinced I am this is a mindset problem as much as an unsustainable hours problem. Why do you care what other people have or what their wealth levels are? You sent a link to a house earlier that you said was similar to yours. If you genuinely think that’s a “shit house”, I don’t think there’s a reasonable conversation to be had because that perception is so skewed it’s on another planet. Plus your comment about DH being happy to live in a “hovel”. I suspect there’d be a gulf between your definition of a hovel vs the rest of the population’s. As you’ve proved to yourself by working 70 hour weeks and ending up in the physical and mental state you’re in, what outwardly looks like success to you is just an eternally hellish treadmill with no time to enjoy the house or the money. What’s the point of the material things if you end up hospitalised with stress-induced illness?

You’re between a rock and a hard place and I’m so sorry I have little advice as every option you mention really upsets every apple cart!
What I will say is I was heading for complete burnout in my forties (all career related not husband/family related).
It was so serious not only was it making me miserable but was also (which strangely was more worrying) affecting my physical health badly.
I finally realised that something had to change. I couldn’t do my job part-time/less hours etc but I was able to do a different job with much less hours and responsibility.
It literally felt like a huge physical weight was off my shoulders and I instantly felt like a new woman - even just handing my notice in was enough!! My boss tried to persuade me to stay but I knew I couldn’t.
Thank goodness I was able to have that choice - H totally supportive.
Hearing your story OP my first reaction is to say anything that gives YOU a chance NOT to burn out should be top of your list, but I realise it’s not as simple as that for you.

Utter bollocks. A huge proportion of women on MN do exactly what the DH is doing and don’t get castigated for it, they’re told their husbands should carry on toiling away risking a heart attack because their contribution was scaling back their career to raise the family (I don’t think OP should do this, to be clear!). Working in an industry with lower salaries than finance (or whatever OP does) isn’t a moral failing or egotistical, or do you feel the same away about the millions of female teachers, lecturers, creatives, nurses etc on here? She’s stated her DH is an equal partner in house chores and childcare. He would be happy, by the sounds of it, to significantly downsize so the financial burden isn’t all on OP, it’s her who doesn’t want to do that! You’re massively projecting here.

Is there any support for women in your workplace? Any role models who have managed to make it work - anyone on flexible working arrangements? Is there a gender equality network or a families/carers network?

I work in a senior comms role so am used to being “always on”. I’m thinking of changing to something where I can work compressed hours or part time but those roles are hard to find.

I recommend the book The Mother of All Jobs by Christine Armstrong for helping you think through these sorts of things, by the way. I found it really helpful when I went back to work after mat leave and when we moved out of London (I am now a commuter and don’t love it, but it’s only twice a week).

@thesealion I was responding to a poster who suggested that my self worth was tied up in my lifestyle and fancy house and the impression that made on my peer group. That was the only reason I explained that, compared to my peer group, it’s very much not fancy.

And my house has the same original footprint as the ones I linked to, (possibly smaller in sq ft terms) but it doesn’t have any of the extensions that they do (no side return) because we ran out of money to do that, so it’s got a teeny cheap and old kitchen that can only fit 4 so we can’t invite anyone round for a meal. It was a probate sale when we bought it and it’s been an absolute money pit.

DH genuinely doesn’t care about his surroundings, as long as he can do his work. He has said as much to me many times.

There are various posts that suggest that I’m doing this job because I’ve got some kind of obsession with status or prestige, but they’re so far wrong. I grew up in a working class family on benefits. Now, I live in a smaller house than the one I grew up in, we have one 8 year old car, the kids have never had a holiday abroad…I am not living it up! I’m terrified of not being able to give them a good life and not being financially independent myself so I’ve spent my money on (a) a nanny, (b) my pension, (c) the house and (d) savings. I literally do not give a shit about material possessions/status etc etc.

Sending strength and hugs OP, I've had burnout and it's absolutely so grim and real suffering when you're in the trenches with it. You're not alone.
I'd quit the job first if you can afford to stay where you live now for a few months - see how you feel after you've drawn a line under that part of your life. I felt better once I'd had a lot of time off, I'm not recovered yet, and plan to quit later in the year.

You're not unreasonable to want to leave London and your other half can't expect you to have this kind of pressure to enable his dream, no matter what other responsibilities he takes on around the house and with kids. Yes those things are valuable contributions but if you're still having to burn yourself out to cover costs, this isn't sustainable. He might actually find a new start in a different area inspiring.

After you've quit and with proper space to reflect, knowing you're not going back to that job, move on to your next big decision, where to live. One step at a time and alongside all this, therapy, self care, time for all the things you don't have time to enjoy with your current working hours. Wishing you all the best for your fresh start xx

I literally do not give a shit about material possessions/status etc etc.

OP, how about moving into an ex-council house in London? They could have more space and still be relatively centrally located near good schools.

@Bredaa thank you for your message, which really struck a chord. I had a lot of caring responsibilities for my younger siblings as a child, when my mum was unwell.

We moved back north for a better life style. I still technically work in London but mostly from
home to retain salary. I couldn’t do the London life with small kiddos and a small house.

State schools in London are, by and large, much better-funded than state schools out in the shires.

Some people seem to be offended by the OP saying she wants to leave London, as if her decision to leave is somehow a dig as those who have chosen to stay.

London aint all that to a lot of people you know!

I work for a company based in central London with employees posted regionally. Some of them live up north and stay in a budget hotel when they need to be down here for work.

Her husband needs to be in London for work - i think people are offering suggestions to make that work.

Agree, haha - I think it's a defence mechanism because they feel worn down and like things aren't adding up

Given your level of equity I think SE zone 3-ish could work really well

I do agree with this if roles were reversed

But there’s a difference between one partner having a high earning and stressful job and the other partner working an easier part time role and taking on the bulk of the child care/house

in this situation the DH is following a passion and doesn’t do much more than OP who ended up paying for a nanny anyway.

I would be interested to know what proportion of the household income OP brings in though

What would your ideal job and work/life balance look like, OP?

Just you, no guilt about DH, the DCs, your Mum.

Can you write it down, get things out of your head a bit?

Also, maybe think in chapters. Next 6 months, next year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. Things can change. What worked well enough in the past is evidently not working today. The solution you find for the next five years may no longer work in ten.

Then look at what's non-negotiable, important, nice to have, wishful thinking.

For example, your health and well-being and that of your family are the absolute priority and non-negotiable. This includes a healthy, loving relationship with yourself (less of this guilt), your dh (true respect and equality) and your dc (the only thing they need really) .

A safe place to live, with good enough schools for your children, a place where enough of everyone's needs are met.

Jobs (for you and dh) that pay the bills and allow you to enjoy life but don't lead to burnout. You not having to bear the financial burden in such an unbalanced and harmful way. Both of you accepting the implications of this and working together to find solutions that protect the non-negotiables.

Nice to have but not essential would be the particular type of house and neighbourhood. Your children staying close to their childhood friends. High-paying jobs. Top schools in pricey catchment neighbourhoods. Foreign holidays. Recent cars.

I can almost hear you saying "if only he earned more...", or "if only we lived in my hometown....it would all be OK". Wishful thinking would be wanting your DH to earn far more doing his creative job, or deciding to become an investment banker and taking on the role of main provider. Not going to happen.

Moving to your hometown, though, could be a valid solution. But it may not be the only one.

Again, I think you might benefit from some sessions with a therapist to talk things through and make these choices from a position of strength.

But there is no way to make it work.

They can only afford to stay in London if @ChickenChitty stays in a job that is causing her ill health and burn out. Her DH doesnt earn enough to cover their outgoings or the shortfall if she takes a lower paying job, so they either have to move away or he earns far far more, which doesnt sound likely. Are people seriously suggesting she should risk having a complete breakdown, rendering her unable to work at all, rather than expect her husband to compromise?

OP, it’s really not your fault that your husband’s work is poorly paid. As someone who does a difficult commute into London from the south, you cannot keep going at the rate you are and if my partner expected that of me to maintain our lifestyle when I’d become ill because of it, I’d be very resentful. I personally think you’ve done really well to keep going this long. This is on your husband to sort out for himself, you have carried all this for far too long.

Exactly!

The DH here is in no tangible way facilitating OP's career.

It sounds like she does far more than the typical high-earning spouse who barely sees their DC in the week while their other half takes on the running of the household.

@BeardySchnauzer I’ve just calculated it and he contributes about 15% of our total household income.

@EightSteps thank you for all your replies and suggestions - real food for thought and I will try thinking this through and writing it down.