Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

You need a reset then. That’s completely untenable

I think it's lovely that you have such respect for your DH's skills and vocation. But ultimately you are the breadwinner, and the person who became seriously ill from overwork, so your health and job prospects need to take priority.

Can't find the edit button!

Nice to have would also be your DH being able to continue earning very little doing his creative job.

Wishful thinking, on his part, would be expecting you to continue to subsidise this.

It must be evident to him that you have been doing this to the detriment of your health and well-being, surely?

I'm guessing he teaches at somewhere like RCM/Guildhall? Or maybe he's an artist so it's somewhere Goldsmiths? He could definitely just commute for one of those sorts of jobs and also for gigs/exhibtions. Lots of those places have tutors that live in different countries, let alone different cities.

Agree, very normal for academics/creatives/tutors without family money to live almost comically far away and commute in

if he’s earning so little then it’s not just he would live in a hovel but it would be a hovel far out

your set up only worked while you were happy in your role and in good health. Life changes unfortunately and he needs to take his head out the sand and be supportive as you have been of him

I think a serious health scare from overwork and burnout is a good reason to move the goalposts. It's a privilege to pursue a low-paid london-centric creative career whilst being bankrolle by another person. In this position I would personally move to a less desirable area of Zone 3 with equity - you don't get any more for your money in the commuter belt anyway, and the state schools will still be better than most of those out in the shires. This would also stand the OP in good stead to move sideways into a consult-y ex-city role when and if she is ready.

I would caution that being in ill health and traumatised can give you a very rose-tinted view of your hometown out in the sticks and can make it feel like the solution to every London-related problem. I moved back out to my (awful) hometown in a desperate state and I'm glad I didn't become tied to it and was able to leave again after a year.

All through this thread I’ve imagined it’s BRIT school!

Why would the children see you more unless you aren’t planning on working when you get to your home town.
If you are planning on working then What is the difference between doing a 9-5 job in London and living in a cheaper house as opposed to the same set up in your home town with the same mortgage

Apart from you will have less money bigger bills and a bigger house to clean and no husband for several days per week

I am in the position of seeing friends do exactly what you think you want and the results 20 years later.

I say this in earnest. Be very careful of what you wish for.

Have you ever worked out how much this 70 hour working week actually costs you

Coffees lunches and dinners at your desk, the Ubers and extra treats for you as you worked hard, or for dc because you haven’t been there all weekend

Take a year of those costs away from your years net pay and divide by 52 and then by 70
I bet the £/hour might be high but not as high as you thought.

I would be looking around for a house in London/Greater London/ Home Counties which you could buy with the equity from your place. Or buy with a small mortgage
Workout how much you need each month after dh’s basic job pay has been taken account of and look for jobs that cover this amount and you can work a 9-5 and have a day or 2 wfh and all your weekends off.

Or if you can find a job that is only 4 or 3 days per week.

I know people are saying you are paying for dh’s dream. But you knew his dream before you married him, you knew that he would never leave London. You knew how much he could earn.

People have been suggesting areas of London that would suit her budget. She is currently in zone 3 and could downsize in outer London.

The point OP made was that she would move to her home city and earn less but COL would also be significantly less and she would have a better home life balance

she can’t get that better home life balance job in London because it just wouldn’t pay enough

moving so her London commute is longer and staying in a 70 hour job while scrimping and saving is no way to live

i love London and wouldn’t want to leave but I grew up here - OP didn’t so there’s no reason to tie herself here just because her DH had a passion project he can’t afford to live off

This!

The problem with the creative industries is that no matter how excellent you are there is an ample supply of mysteriously funded people with massive family wealth who are very willing and able to do your job for a peppercorn salary.

Really? It sounded more high brow than Brit School to me, especially with the snobbery around the other very prestigious institutions in cities other than London.

I usully baulk at commuter towns as false economies but I do have a soft spot for Market Harborough. EMR is expensive and unreliable but the area is just about cheap enough and pleasant enough to make up for it.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I have read all the OP’s posts.

It seems to me that you need to make a list
of your priorities and the things you can live with.

What I’m getting from your posts in terms of your priorities:

• your health / working fewer hours
• getting your kids into a good school
• being home for bedtimes
• having support and community (whether that means staying in London or moving nearer family)

What’s not a priority:

• staying in London solely for your husband’s career
• staying in London for the sake of it
• staying near London for your current job
• your husband being at home 7 nights a week

To me, it’s a no brainer. Why WOULDN’T you go with the plan to move up north? You get everything in your priority list and the added bonus of being able to support your mum. Your husband gets to stay in his job. All you lose is him commuting and needing to stay in London a couple of nights a week. Have I got that right?

If that’s true, all your plan means is that he needs to make some sacrifices to make family life work - just as you’ve been doing for 15 years.

I'm assuming RADA or similar. Can understand why OP can't be more specific but I'm bloody nosy and want to know more about what each of them does. I think OP is possibly a city lawyer looking at moving into a small high street practice up north. I imagine her DH as maybe a ballet teacher or similar.

My dh is the breadwinner. He loves his job (most days). If I saw him have a burn out I would tell him that he needs to step down- which means we would have to move/downsize. @ChickenChitty Why isn't he having your back? Why isn't he worried about you? He sounds utterly selfish tbh. You need to think about your health because your children need you. You owe it to them (and yourself).

In my head he is a musician of a classical instrument.

Thank you @CalliopeFosterBeauchamp youre spot on with the priorities and I really appreciate you taking the time to post.

Fully appreciate each and every one of the responses as it’s really helpful to get outside input and a sense of how it all comes across.

Can’t remember who asked but we’ve never made any promises to each other along the lines of we will never leave London/will never move up north - we actually didn’t ever discuss it. When we met we both lived here and so I think just assumed we would stay.

Yes, sex reversals that don't actually reverse the sexes are fucking tedious. In no way, shape or form do a huge proportion of women do exactly what DH is doing, because DH is not taking on the overwhelming share of the house/child stuff, and indeed his working hours appear to be more unsociable than OPs.

My first instinct was Jazz musician because of the prestigious institution but also the semi-regular trips away for work and not really earning much money. But plenty of world class jazz musicians happily teach at the other royal conservatoires in our country and many commute to teach in them from London, so now I'm not sure.

I wouldn't have thought he'd be a classical musician and be too bothered about moving near to Manchester because they Have RNCM, the Halle and the English National Opera is moving there.

Being an Actor and teaching at RADA is an equally good shout and I don't think there is any comparable institution to that else where in the country? Maybe he has his own touring theatre company or something as well?

Opera is another good suggestion.

It is but it really isn't fair to say that he can only do that in London. The Welsh National Opera is a really big deal for example. Appreciate that isn't in the north though, but it's not fair to say London is the only place for good opera.