Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

This (random pick from a town I have family in) is a (very nice) bog standard terrace. The ones you linked are worlds away. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/172983053#/?channel=RES_BUY

They’re not huge. They’ve been done up nicely and some have been extended, no doubt at great expense, but the design and footprint is bog standard - there are millions of houses like these up and down the country. My sister lives in one up north and she is a primary school teacher and her DH is an electrician, and it cost £375k.

I think you should go near your parents. Children need a healthy mum. Dad can go down to London a couple of nights a week in term time and rent a room (many people want mid week only lodgers) so he can keep the teaching job if he likes it that much. You’re the one whose body and health has taken a toll for all these years for the sake of the family, dads turn to do this now. Don’t waste your life and make yourself ill.

best to do before kids are teens or they won’t want to leave London

Crikey your DH has a good deal - you slog your guts out nearly killing yourself with a poor standard of living for both you and your children so he can faff about being creative in London?

I don't agree @thesealion I think she doesn't want to downgrade her life (and her children's) just to stay in London for her husband's passion career.
She can have the same quality of life near family elsewhere but her husband's job will be impacted.
There will be many career opportunities for both outside of London but he will need to compromise.

Tbh he has had it easy (I know, I have) as he has been able to follow his passion whilst having a nice lifestyle funded by his wife - perhaps it is her turn?

Actually I agree. My brother’s in-laws including BIL (who relocated with his wife and child from Hackney) and family are all in Bath. The trains are quite speedy. Bristol is also good. I’ve known 2 people move there from London with families and single and are all very happy. Bath is creative, Bristol film tv. Close to Wales if you need to be there for some reason. DB’s in-laws (parents in law) moved there from Dorset years ago.

Personally I would be move mortgage free , good schools , close to family , a less stressed Mum seems great for the kids.

We moved to be closer to family , and whilst they aren't the type to babysit all the time . My children are with grandparents all the times , uncles etc it's wonderful they feel so loved .

We live in Liverpool not sure where you are thinking, but my DP goes into London with work once a week and travel in frequently some Northern places are quite easy commute, could be stay over once a week in London giving two full days ?

Here’s a couple more if you went up to £1mil and a couple of decent ones where you could be almost mortgage free and they aren’t crap

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90431883

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90948015

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90573951

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90831219

The problem with creatives living in London is the sensible ones I know (architects, graphic designers, tv) all bought years ago so can afford to stay in London and still work. Either for a company or start their own or self employed. A couple of guys I know have married rich women and had children but one of them moved out Hertfordshire way from Hackney. OP’s DH has been very lucky living on Easy Street and being creative and presumably in reasonably good health. Whilst his poor wife is slogging her guts out and almost dying. Serious imbalance there. I would be furious if I were her that there’s seemingly no give and take on his part.

On a more serious side,
DB’s FIL worked in a very stressful job (headmaster of a secondary school). He suffered a stroke at 50, almost died, and had to medically retire. He’s also got cerebral palsy but was managing well including driving before the stroke. He still has a life now but also has a temper and mood swings due to the stroke. His family are involved in caring for him. His wife is very stressed (still working at almost 80, her choice) and does get respite but it’s rare.

I disagree about the moving close to your family thing ‘if ‘ it doesn’t fit in all other ways - the idea they are suddenly going to be really helpful and always on hand doesn’t always pan out . It can do , but it’s not guaranteed - really depends too I think on the amount of suitable work in those areas or whether you get remote jobs or are prepared to do loads of overnighters away etc and that starts to add up especially if needing to stay in London.

I disagree about the moving close to your family thing ‘if ‘ it doesn’t fit in all other ways - the idea they are suddenly going to be really helpful and always on hand doesn’t always pan out . It can do , but it’s not guaranteed - really depends too I think on the amount of suitable work in those areas or whether you get remote jobs or are prepared to do loads of overnighters away etc and that starts to add up especially if needing to stay in London.

I disagree about the moving close to your family thing ‘if ‘ it doesn’t fit in all other ways - the idea they are suddenly going to be really helpful and always on hand doesn’t always pan out . It can do , but it’s not guaranteed - really depends too I think on the amount of suitable work in those areas or whether you get remote jobs or are prepared to do loads of overnighters away etc and that starts to add up especially if needing to stay in London.

Some nice houses there. OP if she bought on cheaper side could maybe invest in air b n bs. Relative who’s retired just outside Bath does that with a cottage just outside Bath and a flat in Bath and makes a good income. Minimal stress too.

I disagree about the moving close to your family thing ‘if ‘ it doesn’t fit in all other ways - the idea they are suddenly going to be really helpful and always on hand doesn’t always pan out . It can do , but it’s not guaranteed - really depends too I think on the amount of suitable work in those areas or whether you get remote jobs or are prepared to do loads of overnighters away etc and that starts to add up especially if needing to stay in London.

I disagree about the moving close to your family thing ‘if ‘ it doesn’t fit in all other ways - the idea they are suddenly going to be really helpful and always on hand doesn’t always pan out . It can do , but it’s not guaranteed - really depends too I think on the amount of suitable work in those areas or whether you get remote jobs or are prepared to do loads of overnighters away etc and that starts to add up especially if needing to stay in London.

Apologies for the multiple posts- I think it’s the wifi in this building today!!

Have you considered and done the maths for if you could potentially move up north to for example a three bed semi with a garden and you could also buy a studio flat in somewhere like Reading that is only an hour's commute from London so that your DH could stay there maybe two or three nights a week to continue with his passion, whilst you get a less stressful job up north? Alternatively, could he rent a studio flat in London or somewhere within an easy commute, to lessen the number of days he would need to travel?

At the end of the day if continuing in your present role is going to cause you to have a breakdown, you need to leave the job and he will need to suggest a solution.

I think you need to decide what you and your husband are willing to compromise on. Currently you want
*To not continue with your very stressful job
*Not to have a lengthy commute into London (or elsewhere)
*Have access to excellent state secondary schools
*Have a house that is a similar standard or better thanyour current one. You don’t want a downgrade
*Enable your husband to continue his niche job in central London, that does not provide sufficient income for your preferred London areas

While these are understandable preferences, you simply can’t have all of them and something has to give. Your preference is to move somewhere far from London close to family. Your husband and you would give up your jobs, but I’m not sure what you envisage happening in the medium term. What jobs would you see you and your husband getting in this new location? Are you planning to continue not working for several years? Are less demanding roles available in your industry in this area? How easy would it be for your husband to get a new role? Most areas of HE are making cuts.
To me moving to an area that is a reasonable commute to London for your husband could be an option. How many days/week does he need to come in? Would you taking a lower paid part-time role maybe shifting sectors would be possible in a town or city in reach of London. If you don’t want a commute I would be looking at larger towns and cities within a couple of hours of London. Or move into cheaper accommodation in London, ex council flat etc. Either would mean compromises on houses and schools, but kids do fine in good not just excellent secondaries. I would imagine they want you healthy, present and less stressed more than a big house or a high flying secondary. They will have to make new friends wherever you move.
Your suggestion means your husband gives up his job and you both need to find new ones in an uncertain job market. It seems a risky option to me.

I don’t think all this disdain towards the DH is fair. Yes, obviously OP can’t keep working those ridiculous hours but it doesn’t sound like he’s in a man shed painting and insisting he’s an artist, he has a job, his industry doesn’t offer banker-level salaries. I don’t think OP should continue as she is but I also can’t help feeling DH wouldn’t be getting so many jibes about his ego and his silly creative job if this was a more traditional setup with the sexes reversed. I also don’t think it’s fair to say his whole lifestyle is entirely funded by her - presumably, they were both in, or working towards, their respective careers before they met - OP chose to go into this high intensity finance career partially, it sounds, to afford the standard of living she wants, and knew what DH’s financial situation was when she married him. Presumably he also financially contributes to the household and for all we know he might be very happy not living in a giant beautiful period terrace.

That is my other suggestion too -

I agree. You're both open to a move north whilst he commutes to London, so I'd start there.

We live in Herts and it's fabulous.
You can get a standard semi for 700-750k. It's 30 min by train to London.
State schools are great and there are many excellent grammar schools.
Check out Watford/St Albans and surrounding villages. It's also much safer than London, lots of green areas and parks.
BTW it works for us, because we mostly work from home. In most families we know, one parent works in the City and the other one usually works part-time locally, so it could be stressful for you, if both of you really have to be in London every day. However, school parents here are amazing and help each other. It's a great community.

It will still be a downgrade for the children though as they’ll be leaving all their friends, I doubt they’ll feel like a huge house up north makes up for not having their mates around them

Yep, it’s very possible H is on a £45 to £60k a year job that he loves - we earn about £120k ( work together) not all creative jobs are fannying around earning peanuts - as this poster says- just rarely banker salaries unless top end TV or radio presenter etc .

If roles were reversed and wife was the lower earner loved her job I can’t help but think comments would be different