Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

So he's living his dream. What's his plan for financing it? Where would you live if you took a job similar in pay to his?

If he doesn't have a solution, he can't afford to live his dream.

You're not being unfair at all. He must see that the current situation is not sustainable for you - lovely for him, sure, but when it's affecting you adversely to this extent (and it's bound to) then he has to accept that change is needed. A move north is a big step, but commuting is not unusual and your family would adjust - plus your DC would also have 2 happy parents, a better standard of living, and be closer to your extended family. Sounds ideal 😊

I would give it a bit more time. You are probably still in shock from your horrific medical incident. Given you have to be the breadwinner, what would you do if you moved?

I think a change has to be made otherwise you really will burn out. Are all jobs in your profession so demanding, or could you switch companies to something a bit easier?

Does your DH really understand the impact on you? It sounds like he’s a bit ostrich about it ..,

Could you maybe take a sabbatical? Some
Time to think and process what you’ve been through.
I was in your shoes, earning 3-4x my ex husband’s income while he pursued his dream. I also did 90% of the house and childcare stuff. Resentment built up and we’re now divorced. He needs to think very seriously about what he’s asking of you.

What job do you want to do and where do you want to do it going forward? Or would you essentially be giving up completely to retrain etc? Even if you can buy the house getting kids through uni is punishing.

Does your DH need to commute back to London or does he just want to?

Why wouldn’t something outside London, so closer to your family and cheaper but still commutable on occasion for him work?

You're not responsible for funding HIS dream life.

I empathise with the feeling of ‘what’s the point of this’ - a high salary doesn’t deliver the kind of lifestyle you’d expect while working flat out.

Become a top 1% earner and you can… afford a small terraced house with a vast 30 year mortgage and work 60 hour weeks!! Feels a bit pointless.

What industry is he in? Is there some middle ground location in which he can still pursue his creative passions, but you can still afford a decent house and go live on a smaller salary?

im imagining a northern city where there are still a variety of opportunities in both professional and creative careers.

Sacrificing your health, sanity, time etc… it’s not worth it if you aren’t enjoying it.

Compromise is the solution. Yes, he shouldn't expect you to fund his dream but equally you can't unilaterally decide to move just because you earn more.

His commuting idea sounds like the best compromise. He may find once he's there that he can build his creative career in the north as well.

OP your thinking is a bit black and white.

You can leave your job and find something else that will give you a healthy work life balance and still stay in or close to London.

I don't see how this would affect your children negatively and be a 'much worse outcome'.

He sounds extremely selfish OP.

Make the move before you cannot reclaim your health.

We made this move two years ago but the work landscape up where we are is appalling, DH had his job for a year before being made redundant leaving us floundering for income. I really thought it was the answer but it wasn’t for us in the end. Good luck with whatever you decide. But really be sure of the jobs market if you move.

If you can buy a large house up North with your equity you must be able to get "something" in or near London, even if it means a lifestyle shift,

What are you plans for work if not what you do now?

Some time out might be better, or reduced hours?

Most low paid jobs can be mind and body draining too.

I can’t though, without massively downsizing the house and area - that’s what I mean would be a worse outcome. Our mortgage is massive and funded by me, so if I took a pay cut we’d have to uproot the kids from their school, to move somewhere smaller and less nice and still far from family. And we’d be further out so likely DH and I would have longer commutes, which may mean that my overall time away from the kids isn’t that much different (at the moment I live close to the office so can make it home for bedtime, and then I work into the night once they’re asleep).

Would he need to commute to London long term though? Couldn't he find opportunities closer by, or is what he does very specialised? (We're nearish Manchester & close to Nottingham & Sheffield, loads of creative stuff going on) - what's his field? (I absolutely think you should move)

Can his career only be pursued in London, or are there other suitable areas elsewhere in the country where he could work?

It seems at the moment that he is relying on your income to fund his passion and that is all well and good, but you've now hit the buffers and it has become unsustainable. He needs to acknowledge that things cannot continue the same way, however much he would like it to.

I don’t especially want to say what he does as it would be recognisable to people who know us. He is a creative professional (self-employed) and also teaches at a specialist elite institution that trains others who want to do the same job. That institution is in London and anywhere else would be a big downgrade for him. He finds it immensely rewarding and there aren’t really equivalents elsewhere.

Is there a way to make your job less full on without giving it up altogether? Could you go part-time, go in-house, start contracting 6 months on/6 months off? Does your income level have to stay as it is now?

We left a tiny flat in London for a five bed house about an hour's commute from London (granted we got it cheap because it needed some work but nothing major).

I can't tell you how much I love having space, spare rooms, a proper garden. No kids yet but when we do have them they will be able to walk to school instead of trekking halfway across South London on buses like I did as a child. We are two minutes' walk from an area of outstanding natural beauty, and there are open fields and countryside all around our little town.

Sorry if this all sounds like bragging - we were so lucky to be able to do what we did. But yes, I would look seriously at leaving London if that's what you want to do. It really has made me happier and it sounds like it might make you happier too.

Part time and contracting work, reduced hours doesn’t exist - in my industry at the level I’m at - it’s full time or nothing.

I could “downgrade” to a smaller company but would involve a pay cut and so much is dependent on my income. I could afford to be paid a bit less, but not enough less that the difference in working hours/expectations would really help my quality of life, if that makes sense.

So what are your plans? Presumably wherever you live you still need to bring in something?

There are still creative jobs up north. I used to work for an architects practice who had a successful office in Leeds. Another architect friend I know lives in midlands and works for an architects nearby and used to work in London.

Considering you almost died and are burned out I think he’s being selfish not to think about moving back to your home town. Sounds a lot of positives from my end here for you all.

The above is the case if we stayed in London, but I could get a job somewhere smaller outside of London and work life balance would be completely different. Yes it would pay less but we’d have a much smaller mortgage.

Think working as an investment banker in London vs working in a high street bank in Leeds. I can’t work in a high street bank in London as couldn’t afford our mortgage.

Ah. If it is what I think it might be, I see what you mean and it pretty much does have to be London, doesn't it?

A compromise must be made though, and maybe the only solution is to move to the dreaded commuterland, where although the commuting will be a nuisance, at least you won't have the same level of pressure.

He has lots of opportunities if he thinks sideways, I know a lot of creatives who have moved out from London and eg in Devon, Bristol, Manchester all have found other creative jobs. One friend of mine who was an artistic director in tv for years found a creative job in a local school in east Devon where she lives with her family. She used to live in London but moved when kids were quite small. Her husband still works in film and tv as a cameraman but he can travel anywhere and they bought a pied a terre in London so he can work there too.