Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

Oh OP, I feel for you. I’m afraid I don’t have any bright ideas, but I’ve felt similar frustration.

London is such a trap. I live in zone 2 and love being so close to everything. My DC are settled in school and have great circle of friends locally.

but I’m a single parent and work my backside off in a stressful role to basically live in a tiny, cramped place and having to count the pennies for the privilege. Like you, I would have a big detached house mortgage free if I made the move.

I agree that commuting from a town near London is worst of both worlds. The nicest areas are almost as expensive as London, and you don’t have the same amenities.

I agree that moving to a northern city would be great.

could you afford a small studio flat in London, and a not so huge house up north? Or instead of mortgage free - have a relatively small mortgage on your big house up north and buy a small place in London. Would allow FH to work a couple of days in London and you could air bnb it the rest of the time.

i Also think you need to step back from this decision for a bit. Not forever - just give yourself 2 months of not stressing about it, and see if anything shifts.

I’d be pretty pissed at my DH if he couldn’t see I wanted a change. 60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too sorry but this sounds absolutely grim - what a waste of a life.

You need to take some
time to consider this carefully. I know people who left London as circumstances were tricky at that moment who regret it now, literal hours a day driving kids to school and activities and limited work and social options are factors . Others made the move and it’s worked for them. We stayed in london and I’m glad we did. It has been good for the kids, the proximity of friends, community, transport, opportunity as they get older have been valuable.
There isn’t a right or wrong answer, but take time to recover from your illness and weigh up what is best for your family.
Just to add, don’t discount the existence of lots of lovely neighbourhoods in zone 3/4 London with nice sized houses excellent schools and 30’min commutes. The way you describe it you are very central, so the edge bits could be more affordable for you on a lower salary - as a compromise option. If you want to gonnorth do, but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

OP I think you're doing the typical thing of "I hate my job I must change everything about it" when actually you probably just need to keep what you're doing, same level, and change companies to somewhere with a better work-life balance.

I work in a competitive industry in London. I moved from a toxic workplace to a better, more prestigious place where I clock off at 5pm every day and make a third more money. You don't need to downgrade your seniority or role - just move to a better job that treats you better!

Also a lot of commuter towns have excellent schools, and a 20min train commute door to door. You can get more for your money by moving further out and it won't necessarily mean a longer commute (it hasn't in my case!)

This is even worse though. As it is, his creative job means you’re also primary parent as well as big job. My resentment would be killing me, I couldn’t do my job without dh pulling his weight.

Have you told him flat out I cannot continue this job, interested to hear your suggestions?

and look for other jobs both near your parents and closer to where you are now, speak to a recruiter to get a view of the landscape. Your dh may need to take some time off or cancel some travel to be the support at home for you to fit this in.

OP said she lives in Zone 3 already!