Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

What were your original plans for secondary school for the children? Were you planning on private?

Are you really really sure that you’d be cut out for (the equivalent of) working in a high street bank after a career in investment banking? Have you actually looked properly into such jobs, do you even know if you could get one? Don’t underestimate the value of a fulfilling career from a mental health perspective.
Have you spoken to recruiters about alternative London jobs that still pay enough to cover your mortgage?

So what his solution to this?

It's lovely that he's living his dreams OP - but you shouldn't have to kill yourself to enable it. What about your dreams? Or your happiness?

He needs to either find a way to contribute more so you can work less - or it's time for him to put his dreams aside for awhile for your happiness.

Why are his dreams prioritised?

I know couples like this where one of them is a musician and it’s hard. Not only is London where the work is, if you’re finishing late after concerts you don’t want a long drive (after paying for extortionate parking).

The only thing I would say, is have a serious think about how to live cheaply in London. That’s only possible if you have equity, but if it’s !London or bust then the trade off is moving to a cheaper house (flat) where you aren’t working yourself into an early grave to pay for it.

Could you take a year’s sabbatical, rent your house out and rent something in the place you are thinking of moving to. He could continue to work in London and try out the commute and then you are not completely committed to the move?

Move North. I was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue last year and, frankly, life is too short to work yourself to death. At the end of the day, once you've covered the basics, money isn't important.

If you choose somewhere with a good, fast train to London your DH can perhaps carry on teaching. If he's not prepared to do this for you, he's very selfish.

I think in your position I would definitely lose the massive mortgage. Either:

• change areas and or manage with a smaller flat/ maisonette. Cheap areas still often have good schools. And a lot of large families in other European cities do manage with flats etc; or
• move to somewhere outside of London, probably north, where you have a longer commute but then try to get a different job with shorter hours/ more flexibility to WFH. Not all commuter towns are really expensive and if you look outside the “hot spots” like St Albans, Harpenden, Amersham etc and you don’t insist on a vicarage with stables (!) you can still get some really good value houses. Plus you’d be closer to your family, kids would have more space and if you do your homework you won’t have to pay private school fees for secondary (which BTW is the next financial millstone about to be tied around your neck). I’d be looking in Bedfordshire, Bucks (but not the super trendy bits) and maybe South Northamptonshire in your position.

What's the equity you've got available?

Honestly i'd tell him to get a grip because youre moving and just buy your lovely house up north

You almost died and here he is whinging - tell him to start providing for you all then.

@HotCrossBunplease @Heronwatcher we can’t afford private school for the kids, crazy as it may sound. The schools aren’t great where we are so this is also a huge factor in my desire to move.

@Imaribenaberry I really wouldn’t want to move my kids away from their home and school (where they are very happy) just for a year. Also our eldest is going into year 4 so it would take us very close to the secondary transition/school decision point - I think it’s too risky, much as it might make sense to give it a try.

How many days a week does your DH work? Could he rent somewhere during the week?

Your body has given you a big wake up call (a friend of mine also had a ruptured appendix during a hugely stressful period of work). I agree with other posters suggesting at the very least you need a sabbatical.

How does your DH feel about your health troubles and the fact you feel close to burnout? How can he be happy living his dream when it comes at such a cost to you

I had a panic attack due to work stress (it had never happened before, I found myself on the floor in front of a close friend I worked with and couldn’t breathe or move). It was also a city job. My friend read me the riot act. Her mum had a nervous breakdown when my friend was a teenager and never really recovered. She said “if you ignore this it’s not a case burning out here and finding another job, it’s a case of whether you can work another job at all.” I did ignore it and about a year after had a shocking turn of health events involving 7 months off work (gut infection that was also negligently treated and then I had a liver injury from the treatment). Combined with a joint condition and sudden adult onset asthma?!

I’m ok now but I’m not working! Still managing the joint issues but nowhere near what it was

He's got to have a long commute, then there's no choice

Basically, you are funding his career choices and that isn't feasible going forward

Everyone has a contribution to make, but they can't ask someone to make massive sacrifices to make it - you can't sacrifice your health

@Ineffable23 600-700k depending on house value (difficult to estimate precisely)

Yes, I would do it, as long as you can get a good job up there and a good school for the kids. And let your DH commute in to London and find a solution for that. It will be great for your kids to be near family too. It is not worth burning yourself out in London for the sake of it. You did it and built up enough equity. Soon peri will hit and then you will be shattered. Also, the kids need to settle into their secondary school community as those are the years they really remember and benefit from having a good social life. So I would go close to family but not anywhere too remote and somewhere you can still get a good job.

Ok well in that case you just have to move, the question is where. And I would go sooner rather than later so that your eldest gets a chance to settle in before they move to secondary school, it’s a bad enough transition as is.

What I would do is start looking at areas an hour/ 1.5 hours away from London and see if you like them. Think about whether you want a small town or village. See what you can get for your money and look at secondary options. Consider if you’d be prepared to tutor for the 11 plus.

I made a similar move from SE London and now love it, my kids are happy at great schools, lovely house, really nice small town and yet I still get the benefits of London for hobbies/ drinks/ friends. I still work full time but compressed hours and do 2 days in the office a week which is totally manageable as long as the trains ar ok!

If you can get the sort of place you want and you can see yourself/ your family living there, go for the commute option and make it work. But if in your gut it feels wrong then I think you move north asap and leave your DH to make a plan about his own job/ travel.

Have you checked out cheaper areas in London to buy/rent, such as in zone 3/4? They may be smaller and/or south of the river but still very pleasant.

I think it is better for you to move from the front office in investment banking to say the middle office in London than to a provincial bank in Leeds.

I think you should look harder for ways to stay in London and keep the family together/

I would move out of London. I think, though, that you need to be totally sure that you’d find the lower maintenance job satisfying (assume you are at a law or accounting firm). Then I would let your DH commute - he could do Sunday evening to Tuesday or Wednesday evening. Yes, it would be hard in a different way, but family life can be hard.

you could, as a compromise, rent your house if you can make it work financially, so that there is a route back in the longer term if you want it.

I know it's slightly off-topic, but are you pursuing a medical negligence claim? The payout may ultimately help.

Working 60-70 hours plus weekends & holidays sounds awful. Presumably you are very high earner? Have you got financial slack?

Does it have to be near your family? Does DH get on with your family? Would they be overbearing?

I understand the issue that you need to move way out of London to have cheap enough housing to afford a massively reduced salary, but could you rethink and look along intercity train lines for maximum 90 minute connections to London. Presumably from the way you described your husband's wprk he wouldn't need to be in London every day for his teaching?

Moving to your spouse's home town is a massive deal if there's a likelihood of living in your in-laws' pockets. I can very much imagine that if that's the only option on the table moving looks like a really unattractive prospect, where being more flexible about where you move to might allow you both to find something that works.

Also don't assume your parents and siblings will help with the kids - my mum told my sister she wished she could help so often that sister believed her and moved from fpur hours away back to a village near my parents when they were newly retired. Did they help her with her kids? Well I think you can guess! A few times in the first few weeks when it was all new, but after that it was more the other way around, with my parents asking my sister to help with their garden, their pets, do the bins and have the dogs and check in on the cat while they went on holiday, and fairly soon my mum preferred to ask my sister for lifts as she was starting not to like to drive...

If I’m reading this right, you are in a “small terraced house” right now so can’t go any smaller. You have a mortgage that can’t be paid by your husband’s job alone.

The aspirational move north gives you a “Massive” house. Is that a cash buy, a mortgage payable by your husband or a mortgage that needs you to work in a “high street” job?

Where is the closest to London you could go to live in a house that is (a) the same size as your current one and (b) with a mortgage that is affordable on your husband’s salary only?

@ActuallyComfortable it doesn’t have to be near my family - I’d be equally happy moving near DH’s, though the schools are much better near mine, which is an additional reason. I wouldn’t expect any help - if anything I’d like to be closer so I could be on hand more to help my mum as she gets older. We’ve never had any help from anyone in our families on either side - neither parents have given us any money, and neither have ever so much as babysat the kids.

@blueshoes we live in zone 3! Also relevant to @CeramicRoses and @Crushed23 and others suggesting we move to a cheaper area in London - the problem is that good state schools don’t tend to be in cheap areas. The state secondaries I’ve got on my list are all in much more expensive areas than where we live atm.

If you have that much in equity you could afford a mortgage free house somewhere an hour or so from London without difficulty, if you wanted. You could then afford to go for a lower key job but without your husband being unable to work in London?

E.g. 1hr 10 to Liverpool Street,

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/72292815/?search_identifier=for-sale

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/72829803/?search_identifier=for-sale

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/70565443/?search_identifier=for-sale

This, I think a commute mid week or your DH even staying in London during the week would be manageable for you all in the end once you’d adjusted to the move and change in family situation. I think after your health episode you are right to reevaluate and I knew several people who have faced the same as you right now and ultimately moved out of London for better quality of life. Hope it works out for you OP x

Having moved out of London to a 1 hour commute and seen what you can buy elsewhere for a house in London…

I’d say that there are lots of different options. iME it’s often worth exploring, seeing houses, doing the sums - even if you then don’t do it it’s still worth doing as you then know you’ve excluded the alternatives. In reality lots of affordable places are commutable for London - and if up north is in the equation perhaps look at Warwickshire or Oxford.

We are 1 hour south of London and very happy as we can commute - but not daily.

your kids will adapt.

I'm in creative industries- if your DH is commutable that could work- plus he might then make connections out of London as well.