Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

I’ve done this move! Left investment banking to find my peace and I’ve truly never been happier :) Neither of you should be defined by your job, you’ll both be able to reinvent yourselves! You’ve done your bit in terms of sacrifice, it’s your husband’s turn now. Nothing trumps family time and your health! Good luck with your decision :)

@PyongyangKipperbang "He needs to decide what he loves more, his career or his wife"

I agree with you wholeheartedly except he doesn't even have to give up his career though, he'd have to commute a couple of times a week with an overnight stay.

That's my reading of it anyway.

What about taking a lower paid less stressful job within London? That is effectively what you will do if you move away by the sound of it, except you uproot everyone. I understand you get the benefit of bigger house etc which is great, but that isn’t the only alternative to living or working in London.

what does your DH actually think?

OP, I’m interested as I am also the breadwinner with a DP in a much less stressful, PT role, though I don’t think I earn as much as you. And haven’t had such acute health issues though I feel I am approaching burnout. From this perspective it strikes me that it seems only fair for your DP bow to have a somewhat less good deal, as you’ve had the tough deal up til now. And it seems you’re curiously reluctant to put that pressure on him, though it’s been ok to put the pressure on yourself? If this rings true at all is it worth asking yourself what this stems from?

Yes @Arregaithel (and others I think @minipie) I think DH would be open to commuting. I’m certainly not opposed or concerned about being the primary carer for the kids - he’s regularly gone for up to a week at a time as it is (mostly 1-2 nights at a time). I suppose it’s just whether it’s really unreasonable for me to ask him to do that week in week out, on top of his other (sporadic) travel, meaning he sees the kids less.

Ultimately I’m going to have to be the one who pushes through a move and it will be a big change for everyone and I’m worried that it will backfire and be my fault. In an ideal world (from my perspective!) we would both jointly want to make the move, but it won’t be like that - he’s very happy with the way things are atm.

I agree with this

I meant get a different type of job in the City.

If your DH is open to commuting, and if you’re pretty used to managing without him for 1-2 days a week already, then I don’t think you need to feel guilty about asking him to do that.

He hasn’t felt guilty about asking you to support the family financially despite it meaning long hours and stress for you.

You need to reframe this to yourself as essential for your health OP. Not a nice to have because you don’t fancy the long hours any more.

I really recommend some therapy for you to work through your recent health trauma and where this need to push yourself really comes from.

It's as clear as day...move! Any partner who can see the other is suffering needs to support and look at other options. Xx

Yes, apologies if I haven’t been clear, but I also thought that you’d said earlier in the thread you could downsize your London job if you didn’t have a massive mortgage to pay. Is this not a possibility?

Quite a few people I know who moved “out”
(i.e. an hour or slightly more away) either went part time, moved to a smaller “version” of the firm they worked for, or moved into the public sector from
the private sector.

I agree that doing an hour + commute if you’re in the office 5 days a week would be miserable, but (e.g) 2 days is absolutely fine. From where I am I can do the school drop off and still be in the office comfortably by 10 (which is fine). Ditto I can leave the office at 4 on other days and be at after school club by 5.15. So it’s not always leave the house at 5am and back in at 9pm.

@ChickenChitty "he’s very happy with the way things are atm"

Ofc he is, he has the best of all worlds, meanwhile you are drowning!

He will still be following his passion albeit a change in travel and you won't be decimating your mental health trying to keep the family afloat.

Your decision should be effortless as long as he is now willing to support your need for change.

You've done your bit and deserve to make the move and be mortgage free, and ideally factor in a break from work too or do something very part time to recover for a bit. Let him do the commute now, it's only fair. He might find opportunities nearer to your new place in the long term.

This!

I would be very happy with someone else funding my life so I could follow my creative dream. But frankly for most of us, that aint happening!

He absolutely needs to realise that something has to change. Either he ups his income so you can change down your career, or you move somewhere cheaper.

He is being very selfish with his "Well I am happy, so keep paying for me to be happy".

Have you looked into Sidcup/Eltham/blackheath? Some very good schools and a 30/40 min commute into London Bridge. Sorry you are feeling so burnt out and trapped. Absolutely awful feeling and my heart goes out to you.

We made the move out of one of the above mentioned areas to Gloucester 2 years ago and got a beautiful detached home for less than what we would have paid for a terraced in the old area. Commute into Paddington is also around 1hr 40 mins, so possibly somewhere to look!

Can you move up North to near an airport - buy a smaller house but keep a studio flat in London so he can work and stay in London during the week and fly up home for the weekends?

What is it with MN that so many people cannot imagine having a lucrative career outside the M25?!

"oh but London!!! You could still work there if......."

If you move out of London to a commuter area and buy cash, cant he still commute in.

You then have the flexibility to look for a lower paid more flexible type of role still with access to more varied job market.

You would still be mortgage free so less financial overheads.

Or is this tied more to the trauma of the last month's and deep down you just want closer access to extended family and much less responsibility?

I think actually this has been helpful for me to articulate a lot of the mess that is in my own head.

The timing of the school move for DC1 is making me feel like I’m running out of time and so don’t have the option of eg trying a new job within London, or renting somewhere to see what it’s like. Even if we do stay in London, we really need to move house by next summer so we can be in the secondary school catchment for beginning of year 5, which means house on the market after Christmas - not that long away.

I don’t want to mess things up for the kids - it feels like a big turning point - but I also feel like I can’t carry on like this. Thanks for all the responses as it has really helped!

As a previous poster has said, there are plenty of place within an hour of London where you could be mortgage free on 600-700k. How much income do you then need between you? Work that out and maybe your husband can commute and you can find a local job.

You seem to think that your DH's wishes and dreams take precedence over yours. You've internalised the patriarchy, there.

Your DH's life is great. He has his dream job. He gets financially supported by you to live in the city where his work is. Of course he doesn't want things to change.

But in order to have that life, he is forcing you to live a life where you are stressed, overwhelmed and unhappy.

Your recent health scare has understandably traumatised you and it is absolutely your body's response to stress. You can't go on like this.

Your current lifestyle is making you ill. The ruptured appendix could have killed you. Your DH needs to recognise this. He could have been left bringing up your kids alone if the worst had happened. He wouldn't have been able to continue with his dream career then, I'm sure.

The most sensible solution here is that you move up North near your family, upsize for less money, and take some time out of work to consider your options. Meanwhile DH can commute to London and stay in a Premier Inn or whatever once a week if he really can't bear to change his job. You'd have family support around you for childcare, and him being away from the kids a couple of nights a week is not really that big a deal.

You can try and move to another area of London and get a different job in the same field etc etc but the core problems won't change. You'll still be mortgaged up to the hilt, still need to commute, and still be working in a stressful job because the mortgage isn't going to be coming down to enable you to take a pay cut. If you hate your work and the mortgage is like an albatross around your neck, then whatever change needs to happen needs to tackle both of those things in a meaningful way, otherwise you won't benefit from it at all.

So downsize to somewhere in zone 4, certain places will have you in the city in 45 mins if there’s a direct fast train to London Bridge. You don’t have to live centrally with a huge mortgage and an insane job to have a good life in London.

There are areas of London that would buy you a terraced house outright with some left over

What I was saying is that you can find less pressured job which still pays well and have an affordable mortgage even while staying in london. What are you going to do up north? What if you hate your job there and there are much less opportunities to change it? What about your husband then?
you don’t want him to commute to london, you know he’s going to step down if he had to go for local roles,,, how is that going to work? All for some break to relax you’ll still then have to go back to work and are you sure you’ll actually have a pool of options to choose from?

sorry you seem to have a very tunnel vision right now. You need to be less hasty and weigh all possible options more carefully before uprooting everyone including two adults whose best career opportunities are in london. You may well move north but you need to think it through a lot more.

next it is odd that you are killing yourself and your husband doesn’t fully understand how terrible you are feeling. Even though you married him knowing that he won’t be an earner it doesn’t mean that you now have to forever uphold your end of the bargain to the detriment of your health and potentially your life. You need to be talking to him a lot more and less about a single solution (move up north) and more about your burnout, stress and also guilt that you seem to have.

Honestly it’s not that big of a deal if your DC will have to move secondary schools. People manage. Don’t kill yourself with extra pressure to solve this all in a year’s time.

btw market isn’t great now so