Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

I got the impression the DH is fine with having a long commute, it’s OP that isn’t keen on this “solution”. Entirely understandably IMO.

Honestly I don’t know. None of this is his fault either - I chose to go into this line of work; he chose to pursue his passion. He is world-class at it, and it’s not really fair that my much more mediocre skills can command so much more pay. I feel honestly like I’ve let everyone done by now failing to sustain a life that the kids and DH are perfectly happy with.

At least if we go to where my family are the kids will have that benefit, and also the good schools and nicer house, an actual garden, to make up for the fact that they’ll have to leave all their friends and the only home they’ve ever had.

I also don’t understand why the only choice seems to be moving back to your parents. If they were not there would you even consider this Northern city? Assuming you are a solicitor, partner in a big 4, banking, consulting or similar there are hundreds of options in between magic circle partner (for example) vs high street firm in the North. Even if you take a 50% pay cut to do an in house, civil service or whatever type job and move to a commuter suburb your hours and work life balance will be significantly better even with the commute (no weekends, holidays etc) so your argument you’d be spending less time with the kids doesn’t really hold up. So many people in those industries do this, which you must know. It sounds like you just want to move back home, understandably, but at least own it rather than trying to justify it based on a big house and better schools, given the impact it will have on your husband’s job. At the end of the day as the high earner it probably should be your call but it’s a big call to make.

If your husband would have a relatively easy commute back into London to continue doing what he loves, then, surely that would be the best option for the whole family rather than you killing yourself with stress @ChickenChitty

It sounds as if you've had, at least, a tentative discussion and he'd not be averse to the travel?

You certainly cannot continue in your current position and if London no longer offers the quality of life, for all of you, then going "home" and having family around must be a serious consideration.

Hopefully, he's a reasonable person and can see there are greater benefits for a work/life balance, by moving.

Good luck @ChickenChitty

I don't think your DH job should keep you in London whilst making you ill. You owe it to your children to take care of yourself.

However is a job outside London realistic? I would start applying and see what options actually exist. If your DH commuted would it be financially worth it?

@coffeemeatsbagel id consider any northern city. I really - and cannot say this any more times - do not want to live outside of London and commute in. This is always suggested as the solution to the downsides of living in London but for me it’s really the worst of all worlds.

If you stay as you are you'll probably come to resent your husband, get divorced and then move up north without him, he wouldn't be able to afford to live in London so might have to leave his dream job anyway (which i think I've guessed what it is).
Surely him commuting to London and an overnight stay would be worth you getting your weekends back. He's had lots of time with the children up to now so now its only fair if you get that now.

You could easily live mortgage free in a 3/4 bedroom detached house somewhere in Kent which is 30/45 mins commute to London and has excellent state schools. Take some time out to re-evaluate your career. You can then get a part-time or WFH or hybrid role that would mean you see the DC a lot more than you do now and have a much better work-life balance.

The kids really won't care that you go on holiday in the UK/shop at Lidl/drive an old car. They need parents who are not stressed out, have a balanced work life and are happy. You don't need a big income to achieve that.

@ChickenChittyhave you had any counselling since your bad health episode? It sounds like you are blaming yourself for how all this has turned out and feeling like you’re not good enough. There’s a reason burnout is common - jobs like these are just not sustainable for the long term - your health is the most important thing. Your DC need you to take this wake up call seriously - they need their mother. Alive. Living with them.

i agree a commute doesn’t solve much but what about cheaper parts of London.

I think commuting from the outskirts of London is the worst of both worlds. You still generally have rubbish state schools, high commute costs and a lengthy commute and high house prices. Moving to somewhere like Kent or Essex the commute time can be the same or better, good schools with grammar options, much lower house prices and IMO better quality of life. Lovely communities where you actually know your neighbours.

@ChickenChitty

So you are saying "I cant do this anymore, it is literally killing me" and he is saying "I am happy, so you need to keep killing yourself"?

Is that right?

@Doggodoggowhy do you think outer boroughs have rubbish state schools?!

I wouldn't want to commute in either. Long and very expensive commute. I can see how that only adds to your woes. How about changing jobs/employer? You could try that first and see if you feel any better.

It might be for you but-

• you could downsize your job and not commute in every day;
• you could probably get rid of your mortgage or significantly reduce it;
• your DH could carry on working whilst still seeing his kids;
• your kids would still get a bigger house, garden etc;
• you wouldn’t have to shell out on private schools;
• you still have access to a much more more varied job market;
• your kids would, when they are older, be able to work or study in London and live at home (this has happened to 4/5 families I know with kids living back at home post-uni).

So whilst you do seem to be set against it, what does your DH think? Which option do you think might work for your kids? Some of the highest quality of living figures for young people and kids are from areas in the Home Counties/ SE.

What part of @ChickenChitty saying "I dont want to" is failing to compute for you?

He was obviously really concerned for me when my appendix ruptured and looked after me really well in the immediate aftermath, but it’s easy to dismiss it as a one off unfortunate event, not necessarily linked to my job, and then ever since when I’ve said I’m struggling he says I’m just still recovering physically and mentally (which is true), and shouldn’t make any hasty decisions.

I can’t and don’t blame him for not wanting to change the status quo, especially because for now the kids are happy in a lovely school, but the secondary decision is forcing the issue.

You mentioned in your OP that if you move near your family, your DH would want to continue to do some work in London, which would involve overnight stays. Why not just let him do that? Even if he spent a night or two in London each week during teaching periods so he could teach over 2 days, that doesn’t really sound like a big issue. You mention the disruption to family life but I can’t imagine you have a huge amount of family life working 70hr weeks including holidays and weekends. Is it that it sounds daunting to have to be the primary carer for a couple of days each week? Ideally having your family around would help, as would having a less stressful role!
I agree with you that other suggestions around just moving to a random location on the commuter belt isn’t a great option, but it seems like you might be putting up barriers to better options, such as moving near your family. Your DH spending some time away for work isn’t a big deal. Just let him and crack on, so you can stop running yourself into the ground at work.

Whatever you do, don’t move to a commuter town. Worst of all worlds. You would pay over the odds to be on a decent train line into town and have a longer commute.

If I were you, I would try a job move before uprooting the family. Not all companies work you to the bone, even at the top. I’ve had burnout from previous executive roles. Now I work for an amazing company where we’ve created an extremely balanced work/life culture.

Barnet, Richmond, Sutton, Kingston, Bromley have some of the best state schools in the country….

All very expensive areas of London though.

I’m just trying to understand the logic because when you’re thinking about moving a family, and possibly asking your DH to either give up a job he loves or live apart from his kids for a chunk of the week, you have to think about all the options, not just dismiss one which a lot of people have suggested because “I don’t want to”. Also having done this myself for very similar reasons and with a really positive outcome in my case I think I have some perspective/ thoughts to offer.

This is harsh but.......

He doesnt earn enough to get to put his foot down over this. He has been able to live his dream life because you have paid for it, and now you are saying "Nope, not going to keep doing that", which is fair, he has a choice. Either accept the change or earn a lot more, it really is that simple.

He needs to decide what he loves more, his career or his wife.

It’s not just a blanket “I don’t want to” - I’ve explained my reasons at a high level a few times on this thread and it’s something I’ve thought long and hard about. Day to day, in the 4-5 days out of 7 that I’d have to be in the office, it would make things harder, and more stressful, and it wouldn’t save enough money to make that additional stress worth it for me.

@ChickenChittyobviously it depends on your budget but Sutton & Kingston definitely have cheaper areas