Beat myself up for not every moment being magical

[O980215]

Mum of 2. 4 year old and 2 year old. The mum guilt has just amplified since DS2 as I especially feel guilty for my eldest as youngest is very clingy and high needs. Always wants just me.

I always feel guilty too as I felt like I was a better mum when I was a mum of 1. I did more had more patience etc as it was just 1 child who required all of me.

Anyway, I find myself at the end of each day questioning myself. Did I do enough, did I make core memories, did I do a planned educational activity somewhere?

My 2 attend nursery part time but the days I dont work they go to nursery so they do have other child exposure and some education (im not qualified i try to help learning whilst letting them know homes a relaxing destinulating environment etc)

But im now beating myself up for every mundane or bad day. For example. Today I crashed my car. Not major. I had just left my foot on accelerate when id meant to switch to brake when I was speaking to ds parking on our drive. The result is I need to pay £500 paint work repairs and whatever it'll cost to replace the small bit of fence I damaged 🤦‍♀️

Now I was upset. I cried. (I am due on my period) but a factor to mention is i have adhd. I am trying to manage it without medication. But a big factor of this had been spending. I got to a good level money wise. Minimal debt (mortgage, phone bill, under 100 on a credit card and a household appliance I had on a pay monthly) and now I was dipping into savings i had for a trip later this year to fix a stupid silly mistake I made

I apologised to my kids as I had a litrle cry and said I felt sad over the car

My eldest just said "you dont need to say sorry" and "you dont normally cry" which made me feel a bit better haha.

But now here I am. Both in bed feeling like a shit mum because I couldn't contain my emotion and I cried in front of them and then went to grandma's (my mum) as she helped the rest of this afternoon

Why is there this pressure that we need a themed tuff tray every morning and to make core memories every day etc??? Does anyone else feel it??? Or am I soft

Where has all this guff come from that kids need to be centred to the degree that it causes this sort of angst and distress

Its ridiculous OP, you mustnt buy into this, you've got to reframe what being a parent is. No need to create 'core memories' or every second has to be some educational or fun thing. We damage children by doing this, children grow up much more anxious than previous generations by so much focus on them.

There's no pressure to do a tuff tray, but knowing which pedal to use is important. You're focusing on the wrong things.

You don't need to make every moment magic, I think doing that would be bad for them.

Just from your child's reaction to the incident it sounds like you are doing a great job.

I worry that I aren't doing enough with my five year old, but there is only so much playing Barbie, reading books and tickle fights you can do!

Stop reading whatever social media you are read that is pedalling this guff. Behind all of this nonsense about "making memories" is, probably, a marketing campaign to encourage you to spend money.

Stay off Instagram FFS

I literally have no idea why parents put themselves under this ridiculous amount of pressure these days. My parents made sure we were fed, clothed, educated - and we had a lovely childhood. If they had money worries (and they must have done) we never knew about it. They made sure never to argue in front of us. Isn't that the sort of thing kids need?

My dad didn't believe in holidays so we only started going abroad when he passed. I was in my 20s before I got on a plane for the first time. Now parents cry if their child hasn't visited every continent by age 5.

I was the same with my son, born in the mid 90s. I was able to give him more than my parents did with us, as my poor, lovely parents didn't have much money. But I never put myself under pressure. Then again I have never had social media. 🤷🏻.

The thing is, if every day is exciting and magical then it becomes normal and very not magical. Undoubtedly the stuff they remember is not what you imagine - it's always the free toy at the petrol station rather than the exciting trip.

We all make mistakes - some cost more than others. No one was hurt, this one just costs money. I think it's pretty healthy for them to see you have emotions sometimes. And btw did you see how empathetic your boy is? That's the sign that you're doing a good job!

Gently, I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I’m mother to a 2yr old and due second later this year. I have never felt like I needed to do themes trays or magical play. He goes to nursery almost full time as we both work, we do one or two foreign holidays a year usually with family and we fill our weekends visiting family and friends doing things like dog walks or going to a play park. Sometimes we might go somewhere special or rent a row boat but mostly we grab a coffee and cake and walk around a lake. Evenings after nursery are dinner and a bit of TV before bed. Id have cried if I crashed my car too, there’s nothing wrong with your kids seeing youre human and have emotions - its healthy for them!

Right …. Please feel much better!!

Magical for a 2 and 4 yr old is every moment of their life. The joy of a flower, a pebble , a bee , running around the garden, a cuddle, lying on the sofa eating a strawberry, bubbles

the bar for joy from such little ones is VERY low.

Needy 2yr olds are hard work but they honestly honestly grow up

Stay away from showy families and try and most of very basic stuff. If all else fails get everyone in the bath.

This is madness OP, start treating yourself with some of the kindness you're obsessed with raining down on your kids. Your life should be good too.

The whole point of magical moments is that they are rare. If you try to make every day magical and do 'making memories' stuff all the time, it will be so ordinary and commonplace to them it won't be magical will it?

I think you are worrying far too much about this.

OP I can’t tell you how glad I am that I raised my kids before social media and this current trend for obsessing about every waking moment of a child’s life. Because it’s not healthy. And I would probably have been as stressed as you are.

As it was I drew on the best parts of my own childhood and tried to do better than the bits I thought could have been improved on. I read some books and talked to my friends and then I muddled on through like everyone else. Some days were great and some days were awful. Lots were just ok..particularly when I had a baby and a toddler. My children grew up in a home with a mum and dad who also loved them and each other very much which I hope gave them a great start but still, some days were just about survival. I think that’s fairly normal. I was a SAHM until the youngest went to school and it worked for our family but the days were not filled with endless entertainment and magical moments. There were days of just playing at home with their toys. Sometimes I joined in and sometimes they had to play by themselves if I had things to do. There were days when they watched a bit too much TV and days when we were all a bit grumpy. At other times there were lovely walks in the countryside and fun in the sandpit and so on but it was a mixed bag. My kids are in their late twenties now and are wonderful independent adults with good mental health and excellent relationships. They are both doing well in their careers and are happy and settled. We are friends as well as parents now.

Children don’t need their lives curating to the degree you seem to think. They need love, attention and the security of knowing you support them when life isn’t perfect. Much of life is quite mundane and ordinary and it’s ok for children to experience that from a young age. Children discover their own creativity when they get a bit bored and when their adults are otherwise occupied. It’s good for them. And I think you might enjoy it all a bit more if you give yourself a break from constantly trying to create core memories!

Good luck!

A themed tough tray? At home? I am qualified and there is no way I do this. My kids are similar ages, slightly younger, it’s chaotic and my eldest watches tv while I wrangle the youngest/chase my tail. They do plenty of playing inside and outside the house. The most direct ‘teaching’ I do is play ‘sound out the word’ or eye-spy with letter sound games while my husband is driving us all. Of course they do craft, play dough etc and go to parks/ playgroups…We read books and sing songs too - these things are learning for little ones. They also go to nursery where it’s a bit more ‘educational’ stuff, but I’m not counting… the most important thing is connection/love/ fun!

wtf is a tuff tray?

Frankly, the sooner children learn that every moment is not going to be magical the better.

If you are this strung out over themed tuff trays then frankly you run the risk that your DCs main core memories are going to be of tiptoeing on egg shells wondering what on earth is going to set you off next. With two little ones, getting everyone out of the house each morning breakfasted and all with clean pants on is as good as it needs to be.

This is not meant to be unkind, but I have a friend who is like this. She is in her 60s now and I've never met anyone who is so consistently and perpetually unhappy. Please, don't do this to yourself.

I've managed to raise three lovely DC to adulthood and I've got no idea what you're talking about, give yourself a break.

If they're happy, safe and fed at bedtime then you've done enough.

I know this sounds simplistic but a useful film to watch is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Which kid was happiest? Charlie, who knew 100% he had a family that loved him. All the others were not happy despite having many things they wanted.

Your kids just want a hug and a home. There is no memory on earth as valuable as just feeling secure.

Is this tray just another thing for mothers to make more work for themselves for, while someone, somewhere is coining it in?

If your aim was to make me feel a bit. Better it has worked

The pressure i have on myself is insane and when I sit and analyse it

My kids love going in the garden. Little paddling pool full, mini water guns playing. Bug hunting then when they find one? They build it a den. With leaves and grass etc

My kids love the simplest things the most. They dont ask me for a themed tuff tray all the time it really is just the little things they want

Yes I did make this post after viewing some Instagram reels. Need to view different theme ones and change my algorithm!

So sorry about your day. OP. It sounds like a shocker. I'm not sure why you are worried about crying in front of the children following a car crash. Who wouldn't? They sound lovely and their reaction makes me think you are doing a marvellous job as a mother.

I am an early years teacher by trade so am 'qualified' I suppose but I certainly didn't feel some urge to teach my daughter how to do things in a particular way and I have never given 'core memories' a moment's thought. Kids need time, attention and fun. It's great if you can read to them, talk to them and let them learn to do stuff for themselves, in my book.

It would be a very strange upbringing if children didn't see emotions in their parents. I think it's really positive when adults articulate feelings and how they will deal with them in a practical way. Something shocking happened, you cried, nobody was hurt and your DC dealt with it admirably and then you showed them that when things get tough you guys also have Grandma to lean on. I think you've kicked a massive goal with today's life lessons.

Be kind to yourself, OP. You sound like you are holding yourself to unachievable and unnecessary standards (I don't think I gave any of them a thought when my DC was little) and feeling like a failure. The problem is not you but these things you feel you need to do to be good enough. You don't. If everyone is mostly still smiling by bedtime and you can recall a few joyous moments from the day, you're doing brilliantly.

I have three young adults and we did lots of cool things during their childhoods. At least half they don’t seem to remember or didn’t have much impact. The day they do talk about was when we all had colds and spent an entire day on the sofa watching The Sarah Jane Adventures.
Also, it’s not so much particular experiences that are important it’s about the love and support you’re giving them in loads of little ways to let them grow into the people they will be and none of that is visible via Instagram.

Ah OP, I completely get this. Just know, you’re the best mum purely because you’re thinking you’re the worst over things like this.

Good grief, where the fuck have you got all this from?! Seriously, stay off social media, if not for your own sanity then for the sake of your children.

This pressure you’re placing on yourself to conform to some bizarre notion of ‘perfect parenting’ - and your panic and distress and disappointment when you think you’ve fallen short - will transmit to them. Children are happy with very little, but the most important thing is that the adults around them are steady, consistent and relaxed - not jumping through hoops to make daily fucking tuff trays (which I just had to google btw, and I don’t think my kids suffered from never having encountered even one during their childhoods).

Also, please let go of the notion of ‘creating core memories’. It’s quite literally not possible. The entire ‘making memories’ BS is a social media construct that plays into all this performative nonsense. You cannot possibly predict which events or activities in the daily lives of your children will be the ones locked into their long term memories.

They will completely forget a great deal of the stuff you’re tying yourself in knots to provide for them. When they come to you at age 20 and tell you in specific detail about something that remains with them, it’ll be something you said or did that was so minor and inconsequential you’ll have zero memory of it yourself. It’ll be something you just did naturally as their mum.

You sound like a lovely, caring, conscientious mum. And that’s enough. Take a breath and give yourself (and your kids) a day off. You’ll all feel relief and be much happier for it.

Was just going to stay the same - what on earth is a tiff tray? You can go to massive effort to plan elaborate stuff, only to find you kids prefer to spend the time banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan or scrubbing on paper with crayons. They have structured activities at nursery. Don’t believe the nonsense you see on social media - largely posted by people who are too busy posting about how amazing they are at motherhood to actually spend time with their kids once they take the show-off photo!

Of course the car accident rattled you. Really sorry about that. My DF gave me some great advice about driving with babies and little kids in the car when DC1 was born. He said even if DC1 was screaming his head off in the car, the only way he would come to any serious harm was if I let that distract me into crashing the car. As the driver, my job was to ignore the screaming and concentrate on driving to somewhere where I could safely pull over and then sort out the dropped toy / dirty nappy / need for a feed, etc.

I think the reason I am a happy person is that I don’t expect my life to be magical. I expect to be contented and there to be some magical
moment and some shit moments. Pass that onto your children with lots of love OP.