Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I have a slightly younger dd, she and i were talking today about how she cant do some things at uni due to cost. Some of her 1st year housemates were from very wealthy backgrounds and parents were giving 200 on top of minimum loan a week. We couldnt do more than 80 and she's on mimimum loan. She gets this and has a job next year and is working over summer. Flat mates next year are more " normal" . TBH if she spoke to me like that i would be stopping all support other than room and food over summer. Time I think for a very frank disussion with your dd. She is an adult so needs tonact and be treated like one

What side is that?

This isnt about the OP whose daughter called her missy. It was a response to the other poster who has sent her daughter to live elsewhere in response to thing like ‘waking them up for a lift. The OP is trying to navigate her situation… I presume because she’d also consider throwing her child out an over reaction!

but to answer your question - yes my mum would have been very cross if I called her missy, but I doubt she’d have thrown me out!

I wouldn’t give that rude, spoiled brat another penny above your official contribution. I didn’t give my DC any money when they were at uni as I couldn’t afford to. They found jobs and became expert at feeding themselves cheaply!

Even if that is true, the OP can live how she wants and the daughter can leave if hates it. I would also be concerned that your other children are aware of her financial support and so it is it vital that you treat them the same if they go to uni . And yes she needs to try to get a job. Now would be z good time to apply in her uni area as last year's students will be giving up their jobs.

It sounds like she has absolutely 0 respect for you. She clearly doesn’t appreciate anything your doing to help her out financially, I would stop the money until she can change her ways.

If you are giving her money to live due to not getting max student loan. Then how on earth has she afforded to go on holiday for 2 weeks??
Whilst coming back, insulting your/her home and laughing because you can’t afford a new hoover??
Something has to give!
You have to scale back on what you give her.
it’s simply not working!

Every 16-21 year old I know has a job! I work with a lot of people who have children this age and my younger family member. At the moment these jobs are varying from McDonald’s, Amazon, Greggs, hotels, care/support worker, bank HCAs, twilight shifts at the HMRC/NHS BSA, cafes, restaurants, pubs. Apart from one who ‘can’t’ find a job but she is bone idle and is still 24 with no job and ‘thinking about applying for masters THIS year’.

I agree that some of these jobs require unsociable hours and especially the 4-5 twilight shifts are eating into days due to commitment but their parents (even though their children aren’t getting the full student loan) simply cannot afford to fully fund them and they need a job!

There is a lot in the news about the struggle of young people not being able to get jobs at the moment. But from what you’ve said OP she tried at 18 and then nothing since.

I think you need to have a frank conversation her and dad and you.
I wouldn’t be giving any money in summer holidays. They need to work. It’s not good for anyone to have months going nothing and expecting to be financially subsidised. They will struggle to get a job post uni without work on cv.
My dd is 20 and has 4 months off. She’s working abroad this summer and did same last year. They are already recruiting for summer 27. She doesn’t cost me anything over summer.
I’d agree what you can afford to top up. The government suggested amount from min to max can’t be enforced. If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. I wouldn’t be funding luxuries for her like holidays.

I think honestly if an adult child is being disrespectful and borderline abusive it is okay to ask them to leave.

Yeah I think that’s true, although if she does have genuine concerns about hoarding, she might be concerned about her younger siblings. I might be completely off the mark as I said and I don’t have any reason to disbelieve the OP when they say aren’t a hoarder, but it might be worth being curious about why the daughter made that very specific accusation was my only thought.

Sounds like a lot more to it than just being spoilt - she sounds hypervigilant to your moods and reacts if you're not 100% OK, perhaps sees you as fed up/downtrodden (you mention things like hoarding, cant get your hair done). Maybe she is worried about you but unhelpfully doesnt know how to deal with it but to react/jibe you in an immature way.

Stop paying her money during the holiday . She can go and look for work. If she doesn’t want to work then that is her problem , not yours. She has a roof over her head and presumably you are feeding her. Not looking for work because you couldn’t find work at eighteen is an attitude that needs nipping in the bud.

if nothing else you are demonstrating to your other two children that freeloaders aren’t welcome if they bring attitude and rudeness to the table as well as laziness.

They have grants and most Uni people do work to get money. She is quite happy enjoying herself with money coming from you both and even paying for a holiday for her too. The money must stop and she must face reality. You deserve some things for yourself and your home you work for you two and your home not her

Yes, the original post made me wonder if the daughter might be worried about her mum and handling it badly because she’s very young and too close to the situation to be calm about it!

It sounds like your daughter has spoken to you in ways that are hurtful, and that’s not OK. Nobody should be told they’ll be spoken to “however I want” or have personal things weaponised in an argument.

That said, one thing really stood out to me from your post. You repeatedly mention the money you give her, the holiday cash, the monthly support, the kitchen you can’t replace, the hoover held together with tape, and the things your family goes without because you’re funding her.

To me, that suggests there’s a lot of resentment about financially supporting her. That’s understandable if it’s genuinely putting your family under strain, but it’s worth being honest with yourself about it. If every argument ends up circling back to how much she costs, that resentment will inevitably seep into your interactions, even if you don’t mean it to.

If you no longer want, or can no longer afford, to fund her, that’s a perfectly reasonable boundary to set. What’s less healthy is continuing to provide the money while also making it part of the emotional backdrop of the relationship. She’ll likely feel judged or guilty, and you’ll feel unappreciated.

I’d separate the two issues. One is that she needs to speak to you with respect. The other is whether you can realistically keep giving her this level of financial support. Both deserve an honest conversation, but they aren’t the same problem.

Oh I agree with you if anyone is being abusive it’s ok to ask them to leave. We might have some evidence of abusive behaviour from the daughter of the original poster, but there isn’t really evidence of abuse towards the poster I’m responding to. They just said breaking some house rules like calling for lifts late. Again, this particular post that I was expressing a bit of shock about wasn’t from the OP. Of course if the other poster was abused by their child and that’s why they asked them to leave, that will be very different!

I mean you say you and your DH give money to her separately - why? Do you know the full amount of what she is getting from both of you? Is it your DH not agreeing to house expenses? Kitchen refurbs are expensive but hoovers are not.

She sounds very spoilt to be honest. Maybe cut the amount of money you are both giving her and remind her of the importance of getting a summer job. Gently let her know that she needs to contribute to the household during the time she is with you. Money is tight for everyone these days and she's not realising that. It's your house and you can absolutely speak how you like esp if your daughter is being obnoxious toward you. Respect works both ways.

Daughter needs to get a job now.
OP needs to tell her daughter to stfu and if she doesn't like it she can pay her own schooling , support herself and she knows where the door is.

The OP lets her daughter treat her like shit.

You’ve spoilt her and now she’s a brat. It’s hardly a surprise. She needs to pay her own way or earn her keep through chores.

Tell the lippy workshy mare to get a job when you all come back from holiday. How dare she criticise the family home and the condition of things when she’s the reason you’re skint.
Some basic rules and courtesy are not unreasonable and let her know that she will have to take out more of a student loan come October if she’s not worked/saved. It’s not unusual for students to think they know it all and we’re just a bunch of dimwits but I regularly reminded my DD that I’d probably forgotten more than she knows! She sounds awful and is spoiling the summer for her siblings.

I don’t give mine any money this holiday- I’m buying her food, drink , toiletries, providing accommodation etc. Any expenses like going out or holidays she is buying herself. She got a job and we’re all happy! When she’s at uni I pay her rent.

She sounds absolutely awful. I'd have been out on my ear.

It is often a really hard dynamic when adult students come home for the holidays, expect to be treated like adults but still behave like children. These kind of rows aren't uncommon at all, I remember having similar with my parents. Can you have a sit down chat at a time when everyone's calm and set some expectations and ground rules? She'll hate it in the moment but it will be smoother in the long run.

I don't think it has to be all or nothing when it comes to finances. Buy a new hoover. Take that money off her allowance, either a little for a few months or all at once. If she mentions the difference and brings it up, tell her why.

Tell her you're getting a new kitchen once she graduates, since paying for students is expensive. You do need to put her in her place a bit.

She shouldn't be lounging round all summer doing nothing if she can't get a job (although ideally she should get a job if possible). She needs to be getting some work experience or volunteering experience. It's a highly competitive job market out there. Or just volunteering at a festival in exchange for a ticket etc. If she's home, she can bloody well help round the house. And she doesn't need as much money over the summer if you're feeding her. Tough love. Otherwise what's the incentive to move out and get a job after uni?

I hope you’re not still giving her money and paying for treats while she’s home for the holiday @Missparentmisery If you are then please stop that immediately- she’s got a roof over her head, is being fed and has access to home comforts including showers and broadband.
Then you and your DH need to speak to her together, perhaps after the holiday when emotions have cooled.
However, if this continues, then some tough love may be required, which would start with a reduction in funding from you both.