Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

DS has just finished first year uni and doesn’t have a job. He’s bloody lazy but not rude. He’s just managed to get something that starts next week… I started giving him jobs and telling him he needed to cook the family dinner (as he wasn’t doing anything else…). Fingers crossed the job will work out. At times I have downed tool and said I’m not going to get dinner…. She does sound awful and needs a few home truths.

“watch your tone missy”

... and she's still breathing? 😡

Seriously though, she's stepped over a line. Does she work? My kid worked all through Uni, including the holidays. He had no choice. Your daughter sounds spoiled rotten. It's time for a reality check. No more cash from either of you until her attitude changes. You need to stick to your guns and most importantly, present a united front.

All 3x of mine got jobs when they went off to uni. The youngest is still doing it while she completes her masters. She works hard and puts the hours in, for both work and study. She's up to her eyes in student debt, but she pays all her bills, rents a flat, and maintains her car. None of them have been afraid of hard work.

There’s absolutely no excuse for her to not get a job.

Give her until a set date to get a pt job and tell her on that date you’ll be scaling back what you give her. Only privileged kids get to go to uni and not have a pt job imo.

So the unemployed madam gets 2 holidays over the summer, while your hoover is taped together and the house is falling apart?

I can almost see why she has no respect for you and your skewed priorities, even though that shitty behaviour wouldn't be tolerated in any house I'm paying for.

Is she generally spoiled and pandered to? She was disrespectful before she went off to uni. How were you dealing with that then? Why is she going on holiday with you, when she has no respect for you? Why are you funding her holidays with friends?
I don't understand she cannot find a job, but your only responsibility is to keep her sheltered and fed. Anything else is extra, usually reserved for the nicely behaved and appreciative.

FWIW OP I went to uni as a single parent with absolutely no support.

I managed to get a PT on top.
I used to take my DC to my evening and weekend cleaning job and did my assignments at night when they were asleep.

If I can afford to help my DC out at uni then I absolutely would but I would be reminding them how fortunate they are and how they need to get a job to help themselves too.

Surely part of uni is about growing up and how to be a responsible adult.

Being spoilt and not appreciative is one thing, but being down right rude is not acceptable.

a bit playful? who do you play with?

yeas and the food doesn't have to be amazing either

Good on you! I am dreading this exact situation.

I think you have made life too easy for her, at a cost to yourself. She’s not showing any initiative and you and DH just keep
subsidising her. Deep down it’s probably affecting her self esteem but rather than do anything about it, she attacks you. It’s time to withdraw all the financial help. Just offer her the basics, a roof and food during the Holidays but for the rest she’s going to have to pull her finger out. Don’t bother arguing, silent treatment etc just stay calm and let her know it’s all you can reasonably manage now. I also wonder if you like to keep her tied in with the money and dramas? You might also need to look at what you are getting out of the current arrangements. Good luck.

My daughter, also at uni, can't get a job anywhere and she applies for everything on Indeed. Her friends with jobs have 'known' someone so no not easy to just get a job.

This is good advice,
I wish I could use this advice myself. It's so hard not to rise to the bait. They have various ways of trying to get a reaction from you.

It's also true about what might be going on at university.

It would be good if she could find a
part -time job to keep busy. There are so many options available for students.
Even if she was to offer some tuition in her strongest subject, she could earn a decent amount.
Try not to react to any outbursts, its just the way life is nowadays for so many people, myself included and everyone is so stressed.
( unfortunately thats easier said than done.)

I sympathise, OP. Unfortunately DD is probably mixing with some arrogant people at uni. I have heard similar stories from other mums in your situation. I don’t think all daughters appreciate their mums at that age. It’s all about them and their dramas.

Not going to comment on your DD getting a job etc. because I don’t know if she’s tried and failed, but laughing about the hoover would be a step too far for me. I would quietly buy a new vacuum cleaner and take the price of it off the contribution you make to her during the next academic year.

Wow what a brat you have raised.

When my dd went to uni it didn't cost me a penny. She had a part time job at 15 and saved some for uni. Then got a bar job along side studies.

This made me chuckle, but is so true. I just can't be dealing with these entitled folks 😞.

She sounds awful. Tell her in future she needs to have a job in the holidays and don't give her any more money. She sounds spoilt and entitled.

No they can't!

Why are you putting up with your dds rude entitled behaviour, stop paying a penny to her and lay the household rules down to the selfish madam. Damn dured if I'd put up with my DD being so rude and speaking to me like I was a piece of shit. Your dd needs a short sharp shock like her clothes on the doorstep unless she can be civil and quit acting like a spilt entitled brat. She needs to go out and not come back until she's found some kind of job.
Why on earth are you allowing her behaviour to continue, she needs a good dose of reality.
Bloody Hell what's going to happen to the Country when selfish little darlings are allowed to behave like your little diamond

Yes thank you. It's called pulling your finger out. Plenty of part time jobs going.

She sounds v entitled. Who does she think she is? You and your husband are doing a lot for her. To appreciate money better, she needs to get a job and pay her way or at least part of it.

Go on your well-earned holiday and enjoy it! Assuming she isn't going

Why not?

WTAF.
She’s done you a favour pointing out she lives in better conditions than you. Wake up time OP.
Only give her enough to live at uni, not holiday money or for other luxuries.
She gets a job, treats you with respect or learns to stand on her own two feet.

Well, I live in the back of beyond and they all seem to manage it.

It might not be a great job with great hours but they'll be able to get something, even if it's washing dishes or stacking shelves.

You need a DBS and they are not going to pay for that for somone with no experience who will be gone on September. Also most toyng people can't drive/have access to a car so can't do homecare. Some care homes are miles away , not on a bus route.