Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Then you’re enabling the situation. Why are you acting like a doormat. Time for a few home truths. You can’t afford to support her through uni because it’s breaking your finances. She needs an attitude change and a job.

Most recent graduate in our family has worked since she was 16 in a variety of jobs. Graduated recently with 1:1 and her last student job paved the way for a graduate position.

This 💯

If you’re subsidising her to the extent that you can’t buy a new hoover then you have to scale that back. She’ll either have to subsist on less or make more effort to get a job. I can see why your patience is being tested.

What kind of jobs have they worked?

Tell her to piss off and get a job. If she speaks to you like shit she can fund her own way through uni. I just wouldn’t stand for that crap in my own home. Is she aware of the sacrifices you are making for her benefit. In fact not just her parents but her siblings too? Ungrateful little cow. Her feet wouldn’t touch the floor on the way out of my house.

She could still work, even just vacations if course is very intense. Dd has worked summers to fund extra expenses and holidays, we pay accommodation. How will you manage similar for your other dc?

You absolutely don’t. My step daughter put herself through uni doing care work. They took her on and trained her on the job. Not sure I’d subject those in care to someone like OP’s DD with that attitude though.

Playful ?
bloody rude.

Yes totally agree

You need to cut the money you’re giving her and she needs to get a job.
it doesn’t sound like she has any understanding of money and budgeting when she’s mocking things around the house

There are definitely jobs around. All the uni students I know work as well as attend uni, bar one who is studying medicine and genuinely doesn’t have time because she’s pulling double shifts in A&E.

This. She needs to get a part time job to have something to put on her CV. The grad job market is brutal at the moment, having an empty CV is a big problem for her future.

If you can help her out financially, that's wonderful. But it mustn't be to the detriment of the rest of the family, that just isn't fair or sustainable. There are various solutions to this - means assessed student loans, part-time work or holiday jobs (lot's of holiday clubs require seasonal staff).

She shouldn't have spoken to you like that and needs to learn not to be so rude. But equally, respect goes both ways and having grown up in a house where I was regularly snapped at, I have to say I admire her for being brave enough to call you out on it - I just put up and shut up because I was scared of the inevitable row if I stuck up for myself and pointed out that an elder's tone was unacceptable.

Sit down together and have a grown up conversation about how to move forwards - be open about your finances, if she doesn't know then you can't really blame her that you are disproportionately funding her.

I have a 20 yo dd and she has worked since she was 16yo 🤷‍♀️

I think you reap what you sow, she sounds completely spoilt and you’ve enabled this behaviour.

Put some boundaries and consequences in place.

Why the hell are you paying for her to go on holiday. Sure she gets her basics paid, food, accommodation etc but if she wants holidays then she gets a job. Our DS had exactly this so at 17 went and got himself a restaurant job. He hated it but stuck with it because it allowed him to go to gigs and a holiday at the end of sixth form which we would never have been able to afford. Then during his uni years he worked over Christmas and summer breaks in retail, if he didn't then he would never have been able to pay for the driving lesson and pass his test and would not have the job which includes a company car that he has now. She needs to stop being such a spoiled lazy brat imo

Would you want the op's daughter caring for your father given the way she treats her own mum. I certainly wouldn't.

OP, it sounds like you need to sit her down and layout how you are going to move forward, just because she's at uni doesn't give her the carte blanche to treat you with disrespect.

There are loads here and they employ 16 year olds with no qualifications at all. They train them for about a week.

Entitled 20 year old at university would be scooped up. @Missparentmisery Stop with the extra money, work out the minimum you need pay and not a penny more. She can find a job like any other student who needs to pay their way.

How come you’re not categorically forcing her to look for a PT job OP?
From all the dozens of pals I met at uni and went to school with, genuinely no one didn’t work. Full time during breaks and PT during term time.
My mum told me when I was 15 if I wanted anything going forward - new trainers, an outfit for a disco etc I should get a job and that I did. She did me a favour - I had a great work ethic from that age and was out their hair learning life skills.

Do you have any idea what the job market is like these days for youngsters?

Sympathy OP. My oldest also tends to goad me.

I'd try to take a step back, try not to rise to the bait (easier said than done, I know). Focus away from her, on her siblings, the sights, the food, everything that's nice about a holiday.

And as someone said, try to probe (or maybe your husband can) whether there's something she's not coping well with at uni. Clearly she hasn't made good enough friends to be spending her holiday with them rather than you...

But above all, protect yourself. You clearly feel under-appreciated and taken advantage of, and that happens to a lot of mothers of teens and young adults. Not without reason. We ARE often taken for granted.

If it's compatible with uni work, I'd indeed encourage her to get a job, if part time care or catering work can be found.

Would imagine her attitude is different at uni or she'd have been kicked out for speaking to staff like that.

It sound really tough for all of you, especially your other children. Sending lots of sympathy!

She does seem to have some quite specific concerns - for example, accusing you of being a hoarder. Do you have any sense of why she thinks you’re a hoarder? Is there any chance that having lived elsewhere, she can see something you can’t and is finding it distressing?

I may be well of the mark there of course, so apologies if so! I remember early twenties being really difficult, so I’d respond with curiosity wherever you can!

What about your other two daughters? Are they going without because of their older sister? They are certainly being upset by all the rows. I would threaten to cut off her money and let her struggle.

Well stop giving her money! She needs to get off her butt and earn. I don’t give my DD anything - she dues get almost full maintenance but that doesn’t cover her rent, she worked last summer and that covers all her other expenses. It’s ridiculous her going on two holidays if you can’t even afford a new vacuum cleaner!
But I don’t agree you can use any tone you want in your own home. It works both ways.