Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

You have raised an entitled bitchy child. Sorry to say.

Probably a bit late now but you should put clear boundaries and consequences in place.

Speaking to you like that, acting like that has direct immediate financial consequences.

Well the OPs daughter certainly doesn’t! At a minimum, she should at least be attempting to get a job. But in, she’s not even tried.
And OP making excuses for her and pandering is definitely not helping

thats not a lovely girl's behaviour. It's an entitled arseholes behaviour.

I also got the minimum loans and no grants due to my parents wage. I wouldn't have been able to live if I didn't work! I didn't get anything from my parents, nor did I expect it. Your daughter sounds like a spoilt little brat.

I wouldn't wish this person with her attitude to be caring for my loved ones!

Does she have a uni house she can stay at over the summer holidays? If so I would suggest she moves there and tries to get a job over the holidays. Not having a job during uni holidays wasn't an option for me!

I'm not going to lie: she sounds obnoxious BUT I expect there is probably something deeper going on as well.

A certain degree of loathing of one's parents and homelife is actually quite a normal developmental stage in breaking free. She has been off at uni, putting on an act (they all do, to a degree) and then is home with Mum looking and sounding like an older, tired version of herself and a hoover sellotaped together. It is a collision of two worlds and two realities.

Add to that the fact that, unless she is extremely obtuse, deep down she must feel an element of guilt about the extent to which you are funding her, and seeing the reality of the impact is uncomfortable.

That doesn't make her behaviour right, or even excusable, but she is probably struggling with things too OP. I think it is reasonable to pull her up on this, but do it in a way that recognises this is likely a stage -just one you don't want to become her normal.

I had a friend at uni who was honestly vile to her parents when she went home. Home was stable but unglamorous and very different to the image she cultivated at uni. She used to say "it's just sooooo depressing." She needed calling out on it, but it isn't totally unusual imo.

I would tackle her on it though.

She sounds spoilt.

Why not when she laughed at the Hoover did you not tell her that you can’t afford a new one because you’re giving money to her.

If she wants to act like this big, mature adult then she needs to be treated like one.

Does she speak to her dad like this?

Sit her down tonight and tell her that she needs to grow up now that she’s 20 and at uni.
You and your DH don’t speak to each other like this, so why does she think it’s acceptable to act like a stroppy teen.

You and your DH need to have it out with her tonight, tell her that it’s done and tomorrow is a fresh day.

I think you were quite rude to her tbh and I think she’s probably got her own side of this story but her behaviour is completely unacceptable and it would be good to hash it out and move on from it.

She is a cheeky madam who shows no respect. Difficult to know how to deal with her. You can't just chuck her out though that's what I would feel like doing.

She sounds incredibly controlling and unstable. I’d be asking her to leave

My daughter is currently working at a summer camp, at some posh boarding school in Surrey. A month, all food and board, and she clears a little over £2k. Too late for that now, but something to think about for next summer?

Do the holiday. When you get back, tell.her she needs to find work to fund from when she goes back. You can't afford it and it sounds like she needs a taste of the real world.

If you keep coddling her she won't grow up. Let her kick off and do her silent treatment. It might be peaceful.

You’ve raised an absolute madam and she is going to have a very hard time of it in the real world if you keep letting her behave this way and rewarding her by covering her spends all the time.

Time for her to grow up a bit (a lot).

Also remind her that as your first born she has a special place in your heart. And if she ever feels like you’re too hard on her etc it’s because you have a special bond.

Is there a large gap between her and her siblings?
Do they have the same dad?

Stop giving her money. She needs to get a part time job in a pub and stop being a brat. You’re enabling this. She’s not a child.

She sounds a right bloody madam! Tell her to get off her arse and get a job. And stop giving her handouts, the BOTH of you!

A bit playful??? Wtf...bloody rude and disrespectful..entitled little madam
Stop giving her money and tell her to get a job. What do your other children think of her behaviour?

She really should be looking for a job, not only to boost her finances and improve yours, but to increase her future employability.

She sounds like a complete brat. If you can’t afford the money stop paying it and tell her to get a job. If she has no income she’ll soon find something. Why any parent puts up being spoken to like this while funding their child is completely beyond me. Stop being weak and be a parent.

Stop giving her money, both of you. She can get a student loan and a job, end of. Let her know that all the things she's moaned about will now be fixed, now you're not putting her first as she doesn't deserve it.

This is, sadly, so true. In all the many years I have worked with undergraduates, I have not seen one that lands a proper job after uni if they have not worked at all beforehand.

Obviously, there are society activities or sports that may help develop employability skills as much as flipping burgers or doing a year in industry but if they have not worked at all, they are not even articulate or streetwise enough to survive an interview.

If she’s never had a job she’s going to know herself when she finally has to get one.
There is a tipping point here and you are her parent. You sit her down and say right, we are getting a new Hoover, you’re right.
To get the things we need you will get X less.
So start looking for something to do.
She is totally entitled.

All the "young people" I know have jobs - some work in local businesses, some in pubs, some in fast food, some do life guarding or work as sports coaches. A 20 year old at university can easily get a job in a supermarket or bar.

Skip the next holiday payment and buy yourself a new Hoover.

We have just told my 19 year old uni student to leave (a week ago). She came back on an agreement on some very basic rules and hasn’t kept to a single one. Walking us up for lifts at 2 am etc and no planning and a massive sense of entitlement that we were a free hotel with room service. Things came to a head and she was asked to leave which she did and went to stay with a friend. We haven’t seen her since or heard from her she told one of her friends mum that she wanted us to cry and beg her to come home to teach us a lesson 😂not happening she can sulk it out