Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

16 hrs @ 12.71 is not much when tax and NI get deducted then workplace pension too, so maybe around £50ish without a calculator and that's a week

Not surprised to see so many people making every excuse under the Sun for this privileged, spoiled, rude, ungrateful and snobbish young woman.
As an ex teacher, I am astonished at how no one seems to be able to make the connection between "gentle parenting" and bad behaviour and poor discipline among some young people.
Fashions don't help either. 20 years ago every one was "gluten and lactose intolerant", then it was ADHD, Dylexia and now it's "Neurodivergent" or "Trans". Absolute b*llocks. Someone needs to be an adult. Children need and actually function better with rules and boundaries. Otherwise they grow up thinking they are "special". As I used to say to my son (Now a teacher himself, married with 2 sons) you are special to me, but the rest of the world may not think so. Be a good person".
The original poster has sacrificed so much for her daughter and the disrespect and derision she has received in return, IS HURTING HER.
STOP MAKING EXCUSES OR IT WILL HURT YOU AND OTHER PEOPLE.

I hope this is sarcastic.

This is not new behaviour though. She was like this before she went to uni. It should have been nipped in the bud years ago.

The "missy" comment seems to be something she has picked up, maybe from someone at uni. Its not a normal way to talk to your mother.

Yes, it should. However, “should have” is not especially helpful at this point.

As someone with two daughters with asd diagnoses (plus a whole lot more - they are adopted and it could be early trauma), i would say that you don't just make excuses or leave them to it but you use strategies that work with people with neuro divergence. You come at it from a place of helping them overcome their difficulties, not from a place of punishing or scolding them for rudeness.

Anyone else reading this and thinking their parents would have torn them a new one if they spoke like this, especially the "why should I" response which blew my mind! Jesus my parents could kill with a look
I know! It would never have OCCURRED to me to speak to my parents like that, regardless of if it was after I'd gone to uni.

I think this lady has compromised too much; “ cutting back “ is not even remotely in the equation. The daughter’s behaviour IS.

If you stop the flow of funding, she will soon realise that she is on her own, financially. Her behaviour is not acceptable, under any circumstances. You and your DH need to combine forces and present a united front to her ad set consistent boundaries around money. She will never grow up if she continues to use both of you as her personal bank. Tough love now, or all of you will be worse off in the long run. No arguments, no negotiation .. if she starts 'mouthing off' at you - walk away and ignore her until she recognises that respect is a two-way street.

Agreed, Anna Nirvana.

Agreed.

Its easy to say that she is behaving quite badly and important that you take the time to react without getting angry again. Pushing her out is a questionable idea, she might go anywhere and do anything. This may have lifelong implications.

You are providing home (rent and food) Perhaps all the "extras" such as holidays ect. she should work for? Our experience wasnt as bad as yours but using national minimum wage as a guide we told ours to do the chores around the house and paid her to provide her "extras". If she is reluctant do it with the younger daughters (word them up first) and let the money be seen changing hands.
Lastly it can be very hard to come home having been away. My parents really couldn't have me home at all when I went to uni they couldn't have another mouth to feed so I had to sleep at mates till I got a temp labouring job. (some of this was not good life experience and brought me far to close to criminality for me to stay in the job) When I eventually did stop at home it was hard for my parents to realise I was not their "child" anymore.

@Cheese55

mothers are human too. They cannot be all nicey nice all the time, especially when they’re being pestered about what’s for a dinner after a long day at work.

Just cut off the cash until her behaviour improves. simple...

They always come out with this rubbish because they are manipulative themselves. If she does one less drama in ops life. She'll be someone else's problem.

Tell her you heard her loud & clear about the kitchen & hoover therefore you'll not be giving her any further money so you can save up to buy a new vacuum cleaner & look in to replacing the kitchen in the near future. She may regret criticising you & your home. Remind her that she has digs at Uni so if she's not happy living with you she can always stay in her flat during Uni holidays. Offer to help her look for part time work while Uni is closed & ask friends & family if there's anything she can be helping them with for a bit of cash in hand.

I still can't believe a 20 year old woman is pestering her mother as to what's for dinner. Granted she is at uni with no job so won't be expected to do a weeks food shopping. She should be offering when at home to share in meal preparation for the family and the cooking.

It’s exhausting constantly picking her up on her rudeness. I can’t cut off her money she needs it for uni, I won’t chuck her out, she’s my daughter, so realistically what else can I say or do to stop her treating me so badly?
Can you sit down with her and have a really honest, open, calm conversation about it all? Tell her the things you've said here, like sometimes you are tired/talked out after work, and it would be lovely to have her offer to make dinner rather than ask you again and again what you're making?

A good response to boring questions that fellow adults really shouldn't need to be asking is, 'I don't know.'

Even the term gentle parenting causes me anxiety. I have well adjusted, polite, hard working adult children. They are successful in relationships & although there were periods during puberty we had to pull them into line I couldn't be prouder of them. DH & I when they were under 18 ruled the roost & they knew it. They were loved & cared for & praised when praise was due. We were never physical with them but one look & often a stern voice was enough to make them toe the line. Happy days 😊

Not everyone will look at your daughter's with the same glasses as you. How do you prepare them for those knock backs because not everyone will be as patient as you or as tolerant. How do you prepare them for reality and the outside world?

This! If you can't afford it and you've got 2 other kids who I assume are younger then she needs to get a job and make do with loans and less from you. I certainly wouldn't be paying for an adult child to go on holiday unless it was a family one. If she wants to go away with her mates she should be saving up.

Sorry you're dealing with this OP, university holidays are so long when they are just hanging about the house making a mess and not contributing. Don't let her get away with bullying you, where is your DH in all this? has he got your back or are you getting the brunt of the agression?

"You are special to me...but..." is very good advice.

True in many ways. But I have experience if similar behaviour towards parents,but one who is popular and can hold down a job successfully. After being nagged into getting one.
I feel entitlement is apparant here and maybe narcisstic traits.
It does not necessarily mean drugs or bad influencesMaybe indulged as a child.

I know right! No way would I be cooking dinner every night tor a twenty year old woman!