Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I feel for you, you love her and you dont like to think of her struggling yet her entitled behaviour leaves you feeling at a loss. My dd can criticise me and how I respond to her...so I hear you. Wouldn't it be nice if we were rich like other parents but she has the ability to make her own riches. Its tough but I think you need to pull back...she may realise you're on her verbal punching bag or her bank

You are too nice, that is the problem. Your daughter is not the problem, you are. You are far too nice.

Haha what you’re being told reminds me of a colleague at work- he always said that “home life is a constant battle with the kids to ensure that your will prevails.”

kids will do what she’s doing. Even if she’s an adult. Takes some of them longer to grow up, I’m sure you’ve loved her, I’m sure your home is a good home. You’ve had a fight, that’s all. Ensure your will prevails, she will apologise and everything can be put right because you love her, if she’s sorry you’ll probably forgive her and it will be all over. Kids need to learn limits, even with their own parents. That’s life.

It sounds as if money could be the problem here. We had the same thing when our youngest son was at school and uni. We wanted him to have the same opportunities as his siblings - private school and uni. Unfortunately money was tight for all of us. I'm glad to say that he actually did very well eventually, but it was tough at the time.

Sometimes I found going out for a coffee one on one with DD, meant we could have more of an adult discussion about what was expected at home, whether that was contributing more, being more considerate of the other people in the house. It worked well for us as it was a calm exchange.

Honestly, a classic spoilt brat. Please tell me you are not going to reward her bad behaviour towards you by giving her more money? You're behaving like a doormat, so she is treating you as such. Say what you want about 'traditional' parenting, but if I spoke to either of my parents that way, I certainly would never do it again. And I'm glad it's that way. My parents have probably given me less than £100 in financial help since I was 18, and I don't expect it from them, and I still speak to them with respect. You cannot buy respect; especially not from your own kids.

Buy a new hoover, get your kitchen done. Tell her she's not receiving more money, and like you, and everyone else in the world, she has to work for it to earn it herself, instead. You're doing her no favours by subsidising her bank of mum and dad bubble, honestly.

"Watch your tone missy" from my barely adult daughter, after insulting my home and belongings, and rinsing me for all my spare money, would have me catching a charge.

Yes you can!

I hope it has all blown over now and good relations restored. Parents and children - especially mothers and daughters - are often like that but it doesn't last and things change as the child gets older.

I'm 76 and can remember my mother being fed up with me, I was lazy, disrespectful, untidy, offhand, only wanted her for what money she gave me, etc, etc. I said to her, "What else would I want you for?". I also accused her of only have me as an accessory.

We became the best of friends and I remember her with great affection. She also came to think I was pretty marvellous :-), a bit hyperbolic but she did, and would do anything for me and mine as I would for her.

You will be OK.

Dear God, the sanctimonious tone of some of the posters on here just beggar belief. When someone is behaving like a princess, then giving it attitude, they deserve to be spoken to in a way that should freeze their vitals. Less pussyfooting and more consequences - she needs to think how she is acting and speaking to promote this reaction in you - who has been at work......
Good luck OP xx

Don't be ridiculous. She could come back as soon as she was prepared to be a reasonable housemate.

She should be telling her daughter to pull her weight and help around the house. Put some dinner on. I don't think pandering to her will improve the situation. Poor op will end up as a skivvy obeying her daughter's every demand.

Jesus H,

You have created a bit of a monster here. It is expected that parents will top up loans to full amount, but if you can't afford to then don't but it should have been clearly explained to her and a year out to prepare financially would have been a good idea . I have posted about my youngest daughter previously and this is her experience and future plan. She had her first job at fourteen in a local family restaurant, and went to another one when her original employers retired. Two years ago i paid for her to train as a pool lifeguard. With this job she's gained promotion to relief Duty Manager and is due to train to be a swimming teacher very soon. Her Dad, myself and my Mum covered the cost of getting her a second hand motorbike for her sixteenth. She has paid for the greatest proportion of learning to drive and buying and insuring her first car. She has achieved this as well as completing her studies with good grades and still maintaining extra curricular dance lessons.
She's planning to defer University for a year as she's worried about money. She is aiming to save 10k in this time. I have supported her by being her back up transport and will only ask for a small amount of housekeeping money from here as I am a disabled lone parent.
We live quite rurally with insufficient buses and are not well off financially.
Whilst at university she plans on continuing to save in her Lifetime ISA ( Paramedic degree)so that her and her Boyfriend can buy a house when she gets her first job. She intends to study from home and use her NHS bursary wisely
it can be done with a little bit of for thought and planning.
And yes, I'm bloody proud of here and what she's achieved.

She’s an adult. Couple of generations back she would have been working full time, I worked my vacations when I was a student in the 70’s and I had a grant. You clearly love her dearly but you need to spell out your financial situation very clearly. Don’t be hard on yourself, life’s not easy but she needs a life lesson

I do not think your being unreasonable at all. You cannot let your 20 year old that your still paying out of pocket talk to you like that.

Fair enough if you want her to have a good education. Is this her choice or yours? Are you paying or is she? If you are paying she should be more grateful but then that can be thrown in your face as in "well you want me to have a good job" ect you get the gist.

Your 20 year old is still very naive and childish if she "still" thinks she has ever been able to talk to you the way she wants and doesn't expect you to be upset about it? She is fully grown now and knows what she is doing. She is NO longer a child you have to "pamper". It would be ok if you had the money, maybe? But they should still make their own. You do things you can afford and in your own way. If she doesn't appreciate it then don't bother trying anymore. It will exhaust you.

Your foot needs to go down and it needs to go down now! if she is still acting this way whilst in uni and 20 years old.

You need to stop giving her spending money and she needs to go out and get a job!

When I turned 18 my mum stopped doing my dinner, she stopped washing my clothes and stopped buying my stuff I wanted as in expensive trainers, gadgets ect. (By the way my mum will still do my laundry when its nice out and I'm at work and i would do the same for her ♥️)

I had a job just before I turned 18. I am 32 now and still working ever since. I had my own spending money, paid bills since I had a job. It gets you ready for life on your own.

You are spoiling her too much and it is like she is used to you giving her money. Why does she need her own money/job when "mummy and daddy" pay for her?(Excuse the tone ❤️).

I hope you had a good holiday and you have managed to sort things out. But it sounds like both of you need to change.

Ok. Personally I think it’s safest to help young women in particular feel they can contact you if they’re stuck out alone at night without a lift, so I wouldn’t really want a daughter to worry a late call might lead to being kicked out if she was ever in a risky situation, but we all have different priorities.

Maybe that poster will find that letting her kid know she doesn’t have security with them and her parents MIGHT reject her, and that she might be subject to weird silent treatment after the fact, will do wonders for their relationship. But I, and most people with a passing interest in child / young adult development, would be extremely suprised. I was a bit shocked the poster found throwing her kid out was something to be shared with a laughing emoji, as opposed to a fairly catastrophic break. But good luck to all involved!

The university holidays are a short time to tolerate, versus the years ahead of building a healthy adult relationship. I think not dealing with the situation at home is… well a bit weak and defeatist really, even if it might feel like a show of strength. Keeping your kid or young adult safe is a minimum parenting requirement in my opinion, and leaving them to couch surf is not that.

Anyway, none of this discussion is helping the OP who, unlike the poster I was replying to here, has been clear she isn’t about to throw her child out, because she WANTS the relationship to improve.

In my opinion your daughter should be tested for ADHD/Autism. Also has she had an issue with you in general, her whole life. I have experience of this and I know how awful it can get. If I call that person out I'm told in no uncertain terms that I caused their problems when they were young. That person was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 38.

Not just parent / child. I think it’s a good starting point generally - if you want to change a situation, then considering your own role in what’s happening (e.g. could you do anything differently to de-escalate a row as it’s starting) is a place you can start. If you genuinely want a solution and a sustainable change of course!

She is 20. Stop Giving Her Money, stop it now.

I suggested this up thread - to me what she said to her mum is classic asd, using a turn of phrase which she's heard somewhere completely inappropriately. OP hasn't replied.

Other students work, she should be able to get a job on campus. She’s an adult so needs to step up and start earning for herself rather than be subsidised.

Your daughter should definitely get a holiday job. If she doesn’t have the skills just now she should volunteer in a charity shop to get some experience.
when she is not working she should be helping with the running of the household.

I think the only thing the parents are guilty of is not setting boundaries.

Is there any possibility that when she goes back to Uni in October you could take your other daughters and just move house?

Get off on holiday with a fresh start. Tell her, in private, that you want to enjoy a lovely, relaxing time together with your family, so everyone is to be respectful and kind to one another.

When you get back, say you can revisit your differences and debate them politely. You want to know what she is thinking and feeling. Tell her you would happy to share your thoughts too. A counsellor would be invaluable for you both.

One aspect you could discuss is her finances. Help her set up a budget and ways that she can increase her skills to provide for herself.

Be calm. Be curious and gentle as you invite her to discuss things. Don't respond with anger or irritation. Don't raise your voice or interrupt her. Try to remember that you love her, even if you don't like her behaviour.

Be determined to have a happy holiday!

Good luck!

Maybe. Just seems to me like there’s a bit more going on from the OPs posts, and it would be worth her responding with some curiosity.

Why does the daughter seem to be so alert to her mum’s moods / expressions / tones …. Why is she so anxious if her mum seems not happy? Is the long serious illness in the lead up to her a levels a clue about why she finds being at home hard? Etc!

I also think parenting young adults is different to young children, and you do have to model what you want to see. You can’t tell another adult that YOU can use any tone you like toward them, if you want them to consider their tone toward you etc. It’s a time of transition, and I think that’s why the parent needs to consider how they might need to change how they relate to their young adult child as part of that transition.