Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

She is lodging in the ops home if she don't like it then she should find a room. I made a choice and left home at 19. I wanted my own space, my own rules and my own life. You can't parent an adult all you can give them is rules to follow and then they can choose whether they want to follow them or not. As soon as she meets her man the op will be an after thought until when she has her first child and she needs her mummy to babysit. Then the fuckery begins again.

I worked 36 hours a week on top of being a full time university student. Stop giving her money and tell her to get a job. How is she going to learn how to look after herself if you continue to provide for her?

Firstly I would say it doesn’t matter where you are respects works both ways, but your daughter needs a reality check, Stop giving her money for non essential things and say she will need to get a job, sit down and have an adult conversation with her about how you feel

Sorry you were spoken too so horribly by your daughter. I think you’ve given her a very nice and comfortable life and you’ve sacrificed to do so. She hasn’t seen that side of it which on one hand is lovely and in the other hand it isn’t because she thinks money is easy to come by. I too would like a lovely new kitchen and new hoover - but I’m raising two teenagers. Also a higher rate tax payer and people seem to think you’re rolling in when the reality is very different.

I think you are right to stop the allowance while she’s on term break. She’s in your home being sheltered and fed. She should work while she’s off and save up for her next term and to pay for things she wants. Maybe she will be more appreciative of what you provide for her - which sounds like a very generous sum.

There's no excuse for talking to the op in her own home like a child. For what the op has done for her daughter up until now and she's still giving to her. Her daughter should be making dinner for her ungrateful brat.

Playful!!Don't minimize her behaviour.

One of mine spent 7 years on treatment for cancer, diagnosed aged 5 and still managed to be polite, and one recieved a life changing head injury. She completed her degree, with support and extra time, and despite the unplanned bilateral frontal lobe damage, doesn't treat her support network like that! Illness isn't an excuse for being unpleasant and manipulative.

This may be something you already know, so please excuse me. I would call her bluff; stop offering money and tell her you don’t have it. Ask her to get a job. If she can’t get a job, ask her to fill out a Uni Bursary fund form via Student Office for maintenance. If she goes to Student Welfare she can get added support. If she refuses all of this and she’s on her own, tell her to take out another loan on top of her student one - with interest. There will be financial advice in Student Services. We shall see how she manages once reality kicks in!
She’s exerting her authority and, appears to be getting away with it; she’s got an attitude problem, which is based I suspect on her need for attention and, feels insecure.
She definitely has no right to demean you, talk to you so disrespectfully and be condescending about your own parentage./ background.
I take it she’s not in trouble with the law? Has she had problems with peers, teachers or, friends ? Has she become isolated for some reason and is taking out her feeling of “ being different “ to others, on you?

There could be a hint here of being resentful of her background for some reason; is she testing the ground with you to find out more about her family history? Is she pushing boundaries with you as there is an element of doubt in her mind, about her authenticity? ( This has no reflection on you, none of course. It is her understanding and lack of maturity that is in question here ).
I suspect she needs a dose of school of hard knocks, and counselling in the long term may assist her in understanding her deep seated resentment and, overwhelming feeling of inadequacy ( if that is what she is displaying, and demonstrating by acting out ). Either way, you may have to sit her down, pin her down, and get the truth out of her and a solution, sought. She is not allowed to carry on this behaviour without a full explanation from her, and the reasons behind it, whether she can articulate it or not, there is a need to explore it immediately.
I recognise this from my own personal experience as a teacher and psychologist, and sometimes, drugs or, alcohol at part of behavioural problems but, she may be having influences around her of an unsavoury kind, older people even, and a sexual experience may have escalated this further? You know her behaviour more than most, but she may have also been undiagnosed with a condition; bi polar or, personally disorder etc
Sorry to sound so dictatorial in my opinion but, these traits sound so familiar and the solutions are there to recognise if I may say as an outsider? She’s acting up for a reason. I feel she’s really saying ‘ I need help ‘….but the sub text isn’t coming across to those around her, so out comes the odd exterior - she may be alienating her sibs, and friends too. If she gets a job, she’ll have to actually learn the art of socialisation, integration and, subordination to her superiors. Not a bad idea. Could be you’ve hit the jackpot there!
I tried most of these methods out in my own personal life whilst fostering; sometimes it actually, worked!

I’m afraid I don’t agree, entirely. This 20 yr old is no adult; she is unable to hold down a job, and needs to get in the world of work to face reality. She’s stalling. She appears highly immature and, underdeveloped.

could you cut back in some other way, OP to afford a new hoover and house stuff without compromising how much money you give to your daughter? Hair cuts for example you could just do yourself?

Being called ‘missy’ in my own home by someone who is financially dependent on me would not be well received.

Is be giving her the basics to pay rent and feed herself: the rest is up to her. Not a chance would the rest of the family go without while she went on holiday.

😱

I think there's a balance to be struck. Some parents seem more focused on shielding their children from any financial responsibility than teaching them how to earn their own money and become genuinely independent.

Quite a few posters have said they worked while studying and still did well at university, so it's clearly possible for many students. I do wonder whether the OP is worried that if she steps back, her daughter won't take the initiative. And once university is over, who's to say she'll suddenly start working if she's never had to before?

My cousin worked as a lifeguard before going to university so he wasn't completely reliant on his parents. My daughters are training to become personal trainers before they go to university because I want them to have skills they can fall back on and the confidence that they can earn their own money. To me, that's part of preparing them for adulthood, not just for university.

You have to give her tough love now! She isn't a child anymore and because she knows she will still get the money from both of you she thinks she can treat you like you are nothing! And talk to you like she is the mum, Tell her before she goes back to uni that you want to upgrade the house as you dont want anyone thinking it's worse than student accommodation! So she has to get a job and any job will do but you will not be funding her any longer, if your children are at an age where you do not need to fund them then let them know they are at the age where they need to pay for themselves and if you are able then you will help them xx

During or after your well-deserved holiday, sit down with DH and chalk out a financial plan, which includes your necessary expenses and that there are 2 younger siblings who will need support in the future. Once you have an amount for your uni studen, just send it on the 1st , clearly letting her know that everyone is on a budget. You can also set more boundaries by asking gently if she can help contribute to her younger siblings education ...

I was horrified that the poster thought the answer was for the op to cut her own hair so there'd be even more pennies for the student!! Surely you don't see that as a good way forward??

I was very taken aback by that poster’s suggestion as well. Completely ridiculous.

She is acting immature and biting the hand that feeds her. Stop the money and she will learn fast!

Does your husband speak to her about it at all? Maybe you could sit her down and have a proper adult talk with her. It might also be time she knew, properly knew, how stretched you are putting her through uni. I know you're reluctant to take drastic measures, but maybe consider cutting her down to what she absolutely has to have to get by.

She's learning nothing here, as you don't have any actions you're willing to apply. I absolutely get how difficult it can be. I have a son who has put me through hell off and on, but eventually you have to take some kind of action.

If appealing to her better self has no effect, then dad maybe needs to speak to her separately. You shouldn't need to deal with it on your own, either. Always present a united front.

Daughter may be trying to seek attention and get a rise out of you. You sound very burned out from your job, talking to people all day is very exhausting. I am an introvert and when l get home I have to have total silence and alone time for a couple of hours to unwind. You have to take care of yourself. Let your daughter know you need time alone to recoup from the day. This will be more beneficial instead of trying to engage with her when you have no reserves left to do so. Let her know you are not bored with her chatter, you are just exhausted from your day. Try a nap, protein drink, meditation etc. and don't engage until you are ready. Good luck. I hope this helps. If she continues in the same vain, when you are ready to talk, hold the peace as much as you can, and walk away. Tell her you will be happy to talk to her when she changes her attitude and you will not tolerate rudeness. When she sees her attention seeking is no longer working she will gradually stop.

My daughter was equally disinterested and disengaged with me at that age. I used to recall the advice that a few older friends gave me, in that she will come back to you, but not right now. It's deep breaths time and lots of zipping! She's trying out her own standards and boundaries, which doesn't leave much thought for you and your feelings, It's hard going at times, but hang on in there. Don't take crap all the time mind.

There really are young people with high anxiety and conditions which mean they can't do what everyone else does. Some have social communication problems which mean they say inappropriate things. Some have personality disorders, attachment problems which make being around them like walking on egg shells. Some are neuro divergent and operating in a different world.

You can't assume that this yp is simply a brat.

Sounds like you’re letting your resentment about giving her money you can’t afford cast a cloud over your relationship with her. And, yes, respect does work both ways, regardless of age. You sound a bit passive aggressive, which would get on my nerves too. Give her what you can afford and leave it at that.

The OP hasn't mentioned that their daughter has a disability, mental health condition, or is neurodivergent. That's an assumption that's been introduced into the discussion. While those conditions certainly exist and can affect behaviour, there's nothing in the OP to suggest they apply here. It's probably better to respond to the facts we've been given rather than speculate about diagnoses that haven't been mentioned.

That's true, but it's something some parents have to deal with and most parents with children with additional needs will have been accused over the years - by parents of perfectly able children - of being a push over, of being unable to set boundaries, of accepting behaviour they never would etc etc etc and I think it's important to remember that there can actually be more going on.

Women are often underdiagnosed so even if someone doesn’t have a diagnosis it's worth bearing in mind imo.