Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Maybe. Someone else on here seems to be delighted their kid is couch surfing.

But also - just do some parenting in your home. ‘Throw them out’ is pretty weak isn’t it, even if it feels like a big strong action.

And making someone unwelcome in the family home is a pretty nuclear option to be honest. It’s not something to be done lightly and would most likely affect their relationship for years to come. And as I’ve said many times, I don’t believe for a second this is just a horrible child who needs it punishing out of them anyway.

I don’t know why that’s controversial. I don’t know about your real life circles but in mine, parents aren’t throwing their kids out left right and centre. They’re just not. It’s some kind of weird mumsnet bravado.

If it were me, I’d be sitting her down with DH and setting some boundaries.

-she’s expected to help around the house while she’s here, she’s not on holiday
-she doesn’t receive allowance while she’s not at uni
-she’s to treat everyone wi to respect (and vice versa)
-she’s to find a job and pay her own way. If she can’t, then she can be paid for work around the house
-if she isn’t happy with your rules / boundaries, she is free to find somewhere else to live

put your foot down

Your 20 year old daughter needs to understanding money does not grow on trees. She needs to get a job to help support herself like millions of people in her position already do. You need to encourage her financial independence , especially at 20! Our two daughters worked in a sports shop from 16 years old, with rubbish pay, & our son worked at McDonalds, & it pushed them on to work hard at uni & get good jobs. Why this hasn't been dealt with already is a surprise to me. Even as children they earned their pocket money. No jobs done, no payment.
As for the rude way she speaks to you, respect is earned, both ways. You need to sit down & discuss what is acceptable & unacceptable in your home. House rules need to be in place. Good luck.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said about our kitchen and the hoover, you are completely correct and I will be saving for a new kitchen/hoover. I’m sorry I won’t be able to send you money anymore. I hope you manage to find a job you enjoy soon.”

Good point. I forgot about that part 😂

I'm on gap year so...a little different for me.

I'm on gap year so...a little different for me.

You should always speak to her in a kind loving and gentle way, no wonder she is upset! Poor girl. You need to think about how you can make it up to her but be aware….she may go no contact with you now.

It sounds like she needs a good dose of reality! Of course, this behaviour could be masking some depression or unhappiness in her own life. She sounds frustrated but is taking it out on you. Is there any way you could sit down and have a heart to heart? Is there something you both enjoy, that you could do together?
I suggest putting down some boundaries in a calm way. Decide how much you can give her so that your family finances are not too squeezed. It isn't acceptable that you aren't able to afford household items because you are financing her lifestyle. She also needs to be contributing by getting a job. I know that isn't easy, but it sounds like she isn't even looking. Once you cut her money, she will have to.

OP, you re being a doormat. I would throw my daughter out if she behaved in this way. Consequences are important.

Lots of resentment here and she just doesn’t get it, but unless she gets a job then she probably won’t.

i wonder how she’d feel in October if you sent her a note instead of money for living expenses - dear daughter went and purchased a hoover with your money this month, sure you won’t mind. Next month getting a new kitchen, so don’t expect any money then eotjer

I can hear how exhausted and hurt you sound, and regardless of what's underneath it, being spoken to like that isn't OK.
Reading your post though, I wondered if this has become less about this particular argument and more about the relationship you've both fallen into over time. You describe feeling as though you have to monitor your tone, your facial expressions and even whether you're tired just to avoid conflict, while your daughter seems very sensitive to those same cues. It sounds as though you're both reacting to each other rather than really hearing each other.
One thing that stood out to me was the money. You mention several times the sacrifices you and your husband make to support her financially. I wonder whether some resentment has understandably built up because you're giving more than you can comfortably afford. That doesn't make her behaviour acceptable, but it might mean there are boundaries that need looking at, quite separately from the arguments.
I also found myself wondering what your daughter would say if she wrote the same post. Not because your experience isn't valid, but because relationships like this are often maintained by a pattern rather than one person. She may describe feeling criticised or rejected; you describe feeling disrespected and as though you're walking on eggshells. Neither of those experiences cancels the other out.
If I were in your position, I wouldn't focus on trying to get her to admit she's wrong. I'd focus on what you can control. That might mean setting clearer financial boundaries, refusing to continue conversations when either of you is being disrespectful, and stepping out of the cycle rather than trying to win it.
It sounds as though you both end up feeling hurt, but neither of you gets to say that because the conversation moves so quickly into criticism and defensiveness.

I suspect she is mingling with people at uni who impress her. Who perhaps have parents who are very different either financially or class. And she is responding in a very immature way ( and not very bright one either), by looking down her nose at her mother. Calling your mother ‘missy’ and telling her that her tone is not right and nor is her face is appalling. If she thinks her mother is depressed she should try to help.
But I think she is hanging out with people who have turned her head. And she is ashamed of her mother.
She feels the OP’s house is downtrodden. And has no respect for her because of it.
She feels the OP hasn’t got a man who can provide feedback about her personality. That bit is very worrying. And that the OP’s tone is not good. Likewise I would say.

She needs to grow up emotionally and not value people by their possessions. Nor assess them by how they look, appear and the image they give to others. It is shallow.
She may be bright academically and have gone to a top university. She sounds arrogant though. Going to a top university does not make you right about everything. It doesn’t make you a nice person. It doesn’t give you emotional intelligence.
OP I would give as good as she dishes out to you. She has an over inflated opinion of her self importance.

You have a strange idea of 'playful'

She's rude and entitled and the OP needs to start adjusting her budget as there's other children to take into account

And the daughter needs to get a job

Sure you would.

PROPORTIONATE consequences are in important. Making your daughter homeless because she was a bit rude and didn’t get a summer job is unhinged.

OP reports persistent rudeness and entitlement. It would never have gotten that far in my house in the first place.

Don't let people bait you OP.

Kids can be exhausting and everyone talks about toddlers. Personally I find teens much harder work!!

A bit playful? She is abusive!

Maybe next year , think about a scheme such as Camp America- 8 weeks of summer in USA on a childrens camp working in various capacities. She would be abroad in an exciting way, not ruining your holiday, earning some money, having the opportunity to travel on afterwards etc. You need to apply around Xmas time. My daughter absolutely loved it, made lifelong international friends and has the chance to stay free now all over the world. There are similar schemes with different names in the UK and abroad.
I remember hating the long uni holidays - the contrast between uni life and home in a rural village was huge and I missed the stimulation of 24 hour access to friends and fun. But she does need to get a job, however boring ( I cleaned hospital toilets, picked pears, did a post round , worked ins shop etc) and that income will then be her own to use however she wants and take up some of the day out of your hair!

My daughter is 31, an only child. She still acts like a teenager. And yes, I say things the wrong way and portray the wrong facial expressions. She still lives at home, rent free, has a boyfriend she only sees about once every 3 weeks, has a good job in pensions - she's got more money than me. In mitigation she cooks a lot, buys things for the home - airfryer, handheld vacuum, fan, security cameras, a lot of kitchen equipment and insures the dog so she does kinda pay her way. I sometimes think that although I love her, I don't really like her. Her father and I had a messy divorce when she was 11. Initially she hated my new partner but now she buys him Father's Day cards. He gifted her his car when he replaced it, a nice little Polo and they bond over F1 and football (major tournaments). She does suffer hugely with endometriosis and debilitating period pain but I do sometimes wonder if she may be on the autism scale. Her father is now 79 and has dementia and is in a home. She rarely sees him but he was a dreadful influence for her growing up and a borderline alcoholic. Oh I could go on but I won't. I think many mother/daughter relationships are fractious. And she can be lovely and thoughtful. I hope you can med bridges with your daughter and I really do sympathise.

If you read the OPs posts with any attention at all, you’d see it’s very clear there’s a lot more going on than that.

Anyway, I’m tired now of reading a bunch of grown ups repeatedly calling an unhappy young person a spoilt brat, entitled, a monster etc and grand standing about how they’d definitely make their own kids homeless before showing an ounce of curiosity about what’s going wrong.

I’m fairly new to mumsnet but I did expect people to be genuinely trying to help each other and engaging in good faith. The lack of reflection or curiosity is weird.

I’ll leave you all to go back to yelling THROW HER OUT at each other in peace.

How dare she use the loss of your dad against you. That must have hurt a great deal No one should ever do that, let alone someone you love very much and sacrifice for. I’m sorry she did that. You are obviously someone she feels very safe with so she can dump her bad moods on you

I have actually taught some kids who were thrown out of their home at much younger ages. Some were sleeping rough aged 16. One had his own car at 17/18. His parents threw him out and he was sleeping in his car. One slept at the bus station. Others moved in with friends or relatives. I felt sorry for them. There was often a step parent in the home.

OP is just feeling a bit grumpy. Which should be allowed fgs!! She is not an evil parent.

You are new to mumsnet. Try any post with a marriage or relationship issue. All posters post that they hate men and advise immediate divorce.

I was vilified for buying a puppy on one thread. Its a funny old world.

She’s 20 and not a kid. Younger Gen Xers and Older millennials in a bid not to be like their Boomer parents have somehow raised very entitled and rude kids. I am sorry but you need to put your foot down and cut her off if you have to. She can earn money if she can’t learn to respect her parents.
Rude kids who are no longer under 5yrs old are really a pet peeve of mine.