Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I hate to say this, but your daughter is treating you the way my mother treated me. You are trying so hard to do right by her, and you do not need her approval. You don't, really, you don't.
One of Mum's favourite lines as I tried desperately to gain independence was, "You'll need me before I need you!" and it seems that even if you only think it, and don't say it out loud, it may be useful to hold onto when you reduce her monthly allowance.
I'm not saying you can't treat her occasionally, but you cannot afford to subsidise her lifestyle. The rest of you are going without so that she...doesn't have to? That's not fair. You need to be financially secure for your other children to be secure. She's a student and an adult, enjoying the one time in her life when she's truly only responsible for herself so let her be responsible for her. In the long term, you'll be doing her a favour. In the short term, she's going to do whatever she thinks it takes to make you give in. Don't crumble. Stay firm. You need a boundary here for all of you, and your own well-being. It's going to be unpleasant, it's a hard lesson after all, but hold on tight and stick to your budget and your guns. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

They had an argument which they both played a part in. Nobody is a monster, and it won’t help the OP at all to move forwards healthily to think her daughter IS a monster. Life is not that black and white.

She's acting like a 14 year old spoilt brat and she's 20. I was home in the summer from uni working 2 jobs all summer. I know there aren't as many jobs available for young people these days but she needs a reality check - how long does she expect to be subsidised while acting so immaturely?

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, get a student loan and a job. Then she might grow up and treat you with more respect. She’s not working and just had a two week holiday and now she’s going on holiday with you! I wish I could have holidays without working!

OP, I think you might be a bit obtuse about your daughter's ability and effort to find a job. Are you possibly a bit narrow minded about the type of job and your daughter, too?
There's no excuse to not work somewhere.
Most students start looking and line something up before the semester is finished. Why didn't your daughter? Most uni's have job finder assistance and job listings for students. I think you are making excuses for her and she is for herself. FGS how is she managing to get through school if she can't manage research for a job? It's a bit of learned and enabled helplessness, I think.
Your comment about wishing you had looked at apprenticeships, didn't and here we are, is a bit snobbish, actually. You sound quite out of touch with anything outside your lane. I think your daughter might be as well.

Why are you allowing her to treat you like that? It's your home, and she's your child, not the other way around. If she can't treat you with respect and talk to you decently, then she finds somewhere else to live, and she finds her own money to do it with! No, it's not easy to find a job, but she needs to think about that before biting the hand that feeds her! And stop subsidising her at uni! Plenty of students fund themselves through uni, and it sounds like you simply don't have the money. The way the cost of living is right now, I'm not surprised either. You and the rest of your family should not have to suffer just to put one of your children through university! What's going to Happen when the other two go to uni? Are you and your husband going to starve and live in a caravan, or on the streets, so they don't have to face the realities of life? She's need a short, sharp, life lesson and she needs it now. I certainly wouldn't be taking her on holiday with me. I'd go with the rest of the family and she can stay at home, and use the time to find alternative accommodation and a holiday job!

This entitled attitude needs to end. Stop funding her and tell her to get a job. She needs to work 16 hrs a week minimum and then match 50% of her net income up to £348 a month like Universal Credit. No job, no supplement. You must get copies of her payslips before paying anything.she's entitled to a student maintenance loan from Student Finance and must make up the difference from her own labour.

Look on freecycle for free vacuum cleaners.

I have 5 kids. Youngest is about to start uni. The others had attitude adjusted when this was the ultimatum. Now they appreciate how hard money is to earn... and they are better people today for it.

Which tracks with her never having worked. She clearly does not understand how much work you have to do to get X amount of money.

I can't imagine having got to 20 with never working. I know it's not the nineties anymore, but seriously, I'd had at least four part-time jobs at that age around my schooling and uni.

My nieces and nephews are at uni and they've all managed to get jobs either there and/or in the hols. You just have to try a bit harder. They've done lifeguarding, cafes, shops, and restaurants. It is not impossible.

What do you mean, she needs to match 50 percent of her net income? You mean UC will match it?

this is very confusing. You accept your tone is not great. She doesn't want you to speak to her in a poor tone. Why don't you be a role model for her how you want her to speak to you? It can't be don't do as I do, just do as a I say.

And then refuse to give her money over summer if she does not respect you. You are understandably resenting her ... change the dynamic to stop the resentment as its affecting your relationship.

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. Take the other children on holiday and leave her at home. Tell her that you expect her to have found work before you get back because you will no longer be subsidising her.

Regardless of whether she does that or not, be sure to give her no more money. Ignore her tantrums. She needs to grow up.

Did you - like the OPs daughter - have a long and serious illness before you started a levels, when you had four jobs before you were 20?

She sounds exactly like my spoilt and ungrateful daughter. Don't let her get away with it. Your her parent dont let her forget that. Im sure you didnt speak to your parents like that. I wouldn't give her a penny until she changes her ways. You should go on holiday and have a good time. Smile think positive and lay down the boundaries. Lookup how to set boundaries. And stick to them. Make sure her dad's on board too.

I'm around a similar age to your daughter, I assume, and I've had rows with my mother too. Mostly they're over things like my mother snapped at me when she could have responded normally. Or when I just get irritated for no real reason. But I know she works hard and I'm trying to be better because I don't want arguments to be our life. As humans, we only have so long left. I also noticed that when I eased off on wheat and sugar, my moods improved and I got angry less easily, although I can still be a little touchy. But your daughter does sound like she's being unnecessarily rude, even from my standpoint. Maybe she needs space? Or she's a loner? It wouldn't excuse her behaviour, but I could understand it more. Still, maybe you need to have a serious talk with her and make a plan to improve your relationship together going forward. Without either of you shouting or getting upset. Just be truthful. Maybe also tell her she'll have to pay you back for university, or at least get her to have a part time job that will ease the load on you and give her a bit of responsibility, even if it's just a few hours a week. I have a part time job, even though I have trouble saving (I like comics too much!), and it definitely gives a new appreciation of what your parents are going through.

And I get it. As parents, you're tired and you don't want to have to force respect. But when my mom has a bad tone, I don't feel like listening because I'm hurt or upset. So I either blank out or snap. Sometimes, even when I don't respond, I get told off for not forgiving and forgetting. Obviously not the right response from me, but maybe that's a little bit of your daughter's reasoning too? And in a way, it's true. You have to model what you want to get back. When my mom has a kind tone and is friendly, it makes me feel lousy about being sharp or rude. So I improve naturally as a result.

Looking at jobs can be tough. Spoken as someone who goes on Indeed and other sites regularly. Especially if you lack the confidence or qualifications necessary. But there are some like call analyst or call centre remote worker that maybe your daughter can do. Even being a TA/SEN TA in an independent school wouldn't require too high qualifications if any. Maybe you have contacts that can connect and help. Even shop work. Asda I've heard second-hand is great about hiring younger people and paying well regardless of age.

If she enjoys crafts, Etsy is good and from home so less work. Ebay. Vinted is great for selling from home or reselling charity shop buys as long you keep up with algorithms. Online surveys can earn cash if you qualify. Oh, and maybe not related, but TOPCASHBACK.CO.UK is amazing for making money back on online and in-store shops so good if you're having financial troubles. E. G. If we go to Asda, we purchase a gift card online to use in-store, scan the barcode, and get from pennies to pounds off depending on how much we spent.

My mom and I also have a show we like to watch together, and since I know it won't happen if we argue, it gives me even more incentive to be kinder. And naturally, being forced to be calmer helps my personality change bit by bit. It's also seriously depressing to argue all the time so I have the want to stop in the first place. I'm sure your daughter wants there to be peace between you equally. If there's a genuine conversation, maybe even one where she lets out whatever she's feeling (you should maybe do the same. She needs to know what you're going through, too), maybe there's a root reason she's like this, even if it's only from her own perspective? Because crazy things happen when people misunderstand ecah other and don't get on for years as a result.

Yes, I was bed-ridden for all of them.

She is not a lovely girl
She is a 20-year-old spoiled adult who is verbally abusive and ungrateful
The money would stop and I would give her 30 days notice to get out of your house I would not put up with that at all

About your bored tone OP - I get that you’re tired after work, and that it can be mind-numbing to have to think about meals all the time, the same happens to me so I can relate - the thing is, if my bad mood leaks out at my DC as a bad tone, I know that it’s not their fault and don’t deserve that, so I would always apologise afterwards. Just because it’s my home doesn’t give me the right to be unpleasant to people, otherwise you could say that your DD has that same right.

To be a TA does require qualifications now and the work is term time so that wouldn't work for a student! They need people who work the whole school year and get to know pupils. Also she's only 20!

Ok.

Another person who would DEFINITELY in real life make their daughter homeless for being rude.

She presumably has a student flat.