Why won't my parents use a taxi?

[Birthdayfeel]

Both have become old and frail with limited mobility almost overnight, after being very sprightly well into their 80s.

Getting them to arrange the help they need in all areas is challenging, but this one is a mystery to me.

Mum is more capable than Dad and has always been someone who likes to be busy. Dad is happier just to sit.

They have always been careful with money, but are very well off.

The main things Mum wants to go to are the library, Supermarket and the Community Centre, all within 10mins walk when they were able.

I'm genuinely happy to drive them when I can, but when I can't they just don't go. Taxis are plentful here and they can easily afford the cost of the short trips, but they won't, despite Mum being very disappointed when she can't go to these things. It leaves me feeling rubbish for saying no, I need to work (albeit frrom home).

My mum went like this too. She could easily have afforded taxis to wherever she wanted. Turned out she became nervous and afraid of male taxi drivers. I think this was the start of dementia with anxiety as she was a bold outgoing person all her life until then, the sort that was afraid of nothing. She took herself on singles holidays all over the world before this.

They see it as a rip off. They’re adults, stop seeing their emotions as your responsibility. She has chosen not to get a taxi and go… that was fully her adult decision.

They see taxis as a luxury item and it will take them a while to change this mindset. Just keep saying it OP, "sorry I can't take you to that, why not ring the taxi firm". They need to get used to it but hopefully they'll get there eventually. My parents were the same but have now embraced the taxi thing!

My parents are the same its really infuriating

I think this is probably just a generational thing. Frustrating though that they won't just use them and make their own lives easier, as well as yours!

Some of that generation see taxis as akin to something the Royals would do. It blows my mind they sit in £1m houses with hundreds of thousands in the bank yet will ask busy daughter / daughter in law to take time out from work / kids to drive them places to save themselves £20 🙈

I think it's because some people of an older generation (not all) see taxis as "an extravagance" and "not for the likes of us". I have experienced similar with my elderly M. I put my foot down recently when she was determined to get across London by tube on a hot day (she's 84 and recovering from cancer). I paid for the taxi and she was rendered almost speechless by how simple it was to use and how little it cost compared to her expectations.

It is, as a PP said above, her choice as an adult, but the knowledge sometimes is not there, or the mindset against it is hard to overcome. And it is hard to see our older loved ones denying themselves things they would normally enjoy and retreating into increasing isolation because of a predetermined and false mindset.

Could you set up an account with a local taxi firm, if you are able or want to, so that your parents can just ring for a taxi and you settle their bill monthly? It's not ideal, but it might work?

Try not to feel rubbish when saying no (easier said than done, I know). You are not a bad or unloving daughter. But you cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm and your life and job can't be held hostage to the wants of others. x

My mum thinks they drive too fast. She gets scared

My MIL was like this - very comfortable financially, but hated using taxis for day to day things. She saw them as luxuries (she was born in 1931 so maybe a throwback to when they really were) and she also struggled to hear or understand the drivers if they had strong accents. I think she just lost her confidence, despite being a very confident (some might say overconfident...) woman until she was very elderly.

If they used to walk there, could a mobility scooter be the answer?

I know they can because I missed a call once when they were ready for the return trip earloer than expected, and by the time I called them back they were home.

DS has also set up and shown them how Uber works, and they seemed very impressed at the time. They do loadd of stuff online, so it's nnt that they're scared of technology either.

It's not that they don't know how.

Some people just seem to have an ingrained mental block when it comes to taxis. Perhaps they see it as an unwelcome sign of decreasing mobility, or just can't get past having to pay for something they would not have had to in the past. My SIL is like this with taxis. She's much younger (early sixties) and fully mobile but doesn't drive and never has. She lives in London so lots of public transport, good job, mortgage paid. But she simply will not pay for a taxi ever and will avoid buying bulky stuff because she "can't get it home on the bus" or will struggle on a crappy replacement bus service to avoid a ten minute cab ride. It's so weird.

Yes, of course it could! Does my frustration show? 🤣

Set up an uber account? You can book their trips and they will never know the costs.

My mother always saw taxis as a sign that your kids don’t think enough of you to give them a lift. Having to get a taxi is like public transport - it’s only for poor unloved people.

I don't think it's about the cost. Or at least when I challenge that, they'll say they spend on things they want.

I think a lot of munsnetters are in for a shock when they become elderly. You can all sit there and guess it is because they are tight or they just want their children running after them but you don't know how it feels to be them. And it will bite you on the arse one day. One day you will be them.

OP, have you asked her why?

I think it’s a lifetime of thinking of taxis as an absolute luxury and they now can’t change this thinking.
No amount of apps will help.
I think you have to accept it’s their choice, you’ve made uber/taxi suggestions and if they choose to stay in then that’s their decision .
It isn’t good for you to become an Uber service or feel guilty that you aren’t one.

But some of us know how it feels to look after them - so we see enough to know it's not fun.

MIL is a bit like this - she has thousands in the bank but her long-ago very working class and class conscious upbringing means things like taxis, paid-for hearing aids, drinks with ice in (because ice means you get less drink for your money) are Not For The Likes Of Her.

Nerves and unfamiliarity also play a part.

I do know how my MIL felt - because she told me. Many of us have conversations with our parents and in laws so we're well aware of how they feel about things.

Do the supermarket and community offer a free bus ride, they both do where I live

Do taxis make them feel l vulnerable and feel a lack of control? As I get nearer to my 70s I don't feel comfortable using taxis any more, the idea of being in a tin can on wheels with someone I don't know fills me full of dread and I would rather walk than use a taxi. I have no idea why because I didn't used to feel this way about them.

My mum’s line this there apparently expensive
but she will think nothing of spending £20 on her dinner out because by her own admission can’t be arsed to cook

I think it just goes back to the day where taxis were seen as extravagant and a luxury