People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

I don’t drive at the moment, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. 40 minutes each way is a long time with a stranger. Everyone needs some peaceful time in their week.

exactly this. And anyone complaining can also help with lifts. But at least do them once in a while. I Don’t know the level of her disability, she might be really struggling. Yes yes she chose to join and take the bus but that doesn’t mean it’s not really hard for her. Yes others need to chip in and offer lifts too.

Hopefully no one on the chat would offer you one. I certainly wouldn't.

The disabled woman clearly is capable of using and prepared to use the bus to get to the activity, or she wouldn’t have joined. It was cheeky of her, but worth a punt, to ask you for a lift when she found out you lived fairly close. She asked, and you told her that arrangement did not work for you. You did not even have to give your reasons. I agree with @Hatty65 , but would leave it without the reasons (which are not anyone else’s business). “It does not work for us” is enough.

Don’t use the words, sometimes, not always, love to help, give any reason, make anything up, A simple ‘it doesn’t work for me’ and then either stare or ignore. Add a ‘you’re welcome to do the pick ups’ and turn your back on them to end the conversation if it’s needed and they aren’t getting the message.

Thing is with going out of your way once or twice for someone is that they often take the proverbial. A bloke in my hobby group was going to the same destination as I was a few years ago and it is a 3 hour drive each way and asked if I would give him a lift. At the time I was only going overnight so not much 'stuff' to bring with me so kids shared the back of the car with the dog and he sat up front. All fine and said thanks and all well and good. We were going same place over xmas for a week and he asked about a lift and I said no because we have a lot more stuff to take and all kids xmas gifts and he had the actual audacity to say 'well sure leave some of the gifts at home and tell them santa only left half in the holiday home'. I actually was shocked at it. Anyway I wont get into specifics but he has not asked for a lift since and he won't be getting offered one. Asking me to take less stuff to make him comfortable really was taking the biscuit.

Lifts can get so contentious if it's someone your not close to. Our neighbours but one used to ask late at night via WhatsApp if I could take their 7 year old to school. I'd not see the message and just find her at my door when I got up. Conversely my dd has SEN so could be 'fun' at that age. They would never give dd a lift. Even when at the same club one evening and my car got a puncture. Had to phone dh collegue while she was already there. Going somewhere on route is always the answer.

People are too happy to take the piss then expect more kindness than they dole out. Besides at group events invariably someone wants leave leave promptly or late and I tend to faff. Or my car is untidy.

Yes, sometimes the so called ‘wronged’ party acts like they are the only ones who have the right to be upset.

Sometimes simply showing you’re upset too can be quite powerful.

Given her entitlement and relentless badgering, as well as making sure that the entire group has turned against her and badger her as well - no, OP should not offer this woman any lifts. Absolutely not. Lifts are for nice people, not people like this.

Oh I hate this, its the worst. I prefer solitude not awkward convo ha.
I had it recently where a lady just assumed I was taking her home ! She got an Uber to work, and I drove past the town she lived in a town I drove past. Not through....past.
She started the job before I did, its not my fault she doesnt drive.....! I just had to be honest and say I dont mind every now and then but I wont be doing it regularly. Takes me 10 mins out of my way etc etc.
(I have a disability and do not expect special treatment fyi!)

YANBU and I understand why you feel aggrieved but she’s set the narrative now and there’s nothing you can do about that. I’d genuinely start looking for another location or time-slot to do your hobby.

So? Let her be a wanker, then.

Agreed. You all go to the same group what once a week? What’s wrong with giving a neighbour a lift? Appreciate maybe you can’t every single time but I don’t understand tbh. Just feels very individualistic

Stay strong OP!

I can’t stand people like this, entitled, manipulative fuckers.

I always love the fictional names people come up with on these threads 😄

And women must never be individuals/ put themselves first/ enjoy doing what the hell they want to just because they want to. God forbid a woman should ever think ' actually no I'm not going to do that'

What’s this got to do with being a woman? This applies to anyone.

I know, right? There's no way I could drive past someone's house who I knew was getting the bus and not offer a lift.

I can see it's a hassle but long bus journeys are hideous and usually take longer than driving so I can see both sides. However, you are not obliged to take her and I wouldn't like the committment with someone who isn't a friend either. If it is your main chance to catch up with your dd then that time is important to you. Just tell her that you don't go straight home after- she won't even know if that's every week or occasionally as she isn't an immediate neighbour and won't see you pull in your driveway!

That’s what I think too. I feel like it’s being made into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

I have been stung in the past with giving people lifts out of kindness. I dont do it anymore except for family and very close friends. Anyone bitching about me would certainly not be getting in my car for a free lift home.
Get the ruddy bus!!

I feel and understand your dilemma OP, particularly if she is an annoying woman! But she is disabled and we all have to live in this world and act somewhat civilised. Why don't you offer her a lift occasionally, either to or from the venue but do not take any petrol money, this way you don't enter into any kind of official agreement and you remain free to simply tell her : that doesn't work for me this day/week but next week should be fine.

This is your issue
You dont need to keep explaining
She asked you said no

If mentioned " that doesnt work for me, Im not discussing it again"

But that’s you. Those are your preferences and wants. OP is perfectly entitled to have her own, different, preferences. Neither of you is wrong.

What is wrong, is when people try to impose their preferences on other people. Worse still, when people try to guilt others for feeling differently or put pressure on them. This is what is happening here.