People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

But she’s started a thread about it so it’s become a discussion, people are offering up their opinions not necessarily guilting the OP.

Though she replied to one of my responses with an eye roll, so I think they likely just want people to agree with her…

I don't think you should feel you have to leave. Whilst giving someone a lift is something I would probably be happy to do, I can see that in your case the driving seems to form part of the evening for you and your daughter, more so than it might other people, so you shouldn't feel pushed into it.

Both I and my husband are disabled, my husband for 30+ years, and over the years I have come to recognise that there is a certain type of disabled person that plays on other people’s discomfort around disability to take advantage in a very manipulative way. Just because someone is disabled doesn’t mean they can’t be an awful person. Stand your ground, and let the others know that you have said no for valid reasons. If they’re so concerned, let them give her a lift.

I think that sometimes, unfortunately, when people are put under pressure it can understandably make them feel uncomfortable and be made to feel that they are wrong. Hence just posting to gauge other people’s thoughts. It’s the sort of thing I’d do to be fair.

An eye roll I would find rude, but possibly this experience is making OP feel very defensive, which I get.

Just politely say no. I had a similar situation when my daughter did Saturday morning ballet. A new girl who lived near us joined and the mum immediately started to organise a lift rota between us and another girl. It made sense but I really valued our routine, the chats we had in the car, and often doing something else before going home. I had to say a number of firm nos. I could see it left her in a slightly awkward position with her own arrangements, but I didn't back down and I'm glad I didn't. Be brave, be firm, do what is right for you.

I disagree. If we are going to change how disabilities are viewed then we need to stop viewing disabled people as people who definitely need help and with pity. I say this as someone who has family with disabilities. I really dislike the “awww bless them” mentality. She was capable enough to sign up to the group and then get there via public transport so it’s out of want rather than necessity.

I would just be nice and give her a lift , . Find it strange ppl have suggested even going a different day. Surprised how people would even actively try to avoid helping someone.

I’d go mildly bemused/amused: ‘Why are people still going on about this? I’ve said no. Now, anyone for another biscuit?’

No, I think it’s rude. I understand the guaging overs opinions, but they don’t seem open to other points of view at all.

OP only said she 'has a disability' - we don't actually know the extent of her disability.

At any rate, 'disabled' doesn't mean 'helpless and completely unable to do anything for yourself'. Disability is a very wide spectrum (I am disabled too), but the way many people talk, you'd assume that everybody is either disabled and unable to ever do anything for themselves, or otherwise not disabled and thus has no issues, challenges or personal preferences whatsoever in their own lives.

The OP and her DD don't like her, and this before anything else happened.

All lift arrangements I have been involved in have an element of reciprocity - either a rota with other parents to get kids to sports or an unspoken agreement that I will take your kid to school a couple of mornings a week if you will cover mine if my train home is cancelled.

And this is 1h20 a week in the company of someone OP doesn’t like, with no reciprocity.

The main reason she seems like she doesn’t like her. is because of the whole lift situation. Either way they are not enemy’s , Shes’s disabled, she’s going the same way , she would be sitting in the back . I would be civil and do a nice thing .

Nice for who?

The OP who wants to spend that time with her daughter? No

The daughter who wants to spend that time with her mum? No

The woman who signed up for a class she is capable of getting to but now want the ease of another person picking her up and dropping her off? Yes

The other people in the group who have decided OP is wrong and want to organise OP's time to save them doing the pick up? Yes

Okay then 🙄"nice" for the people getting the benefit, but not "nice" for the actual people who would be putting themselves out

The worst thing is that they will probably try to persuade them to keep going... not because they care about them being there, but because they've assigned OP as their 'solution' to this other woman's transport preferences, and so if OP and her DD stop going, that leaves them with a new problem to solve - especially as that could then put the spotlight and regular task on to the one of them who lives the next closest to the woman.

OP did not say it was the lift situation that made them not like her:

Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman

But they are well within their rights anyway to dislike someone who has started attending an event they were enjoying and who has bitched about them to other participants, to the extent that they are thinking about leaving.

Me too. It makes people wary of me at times. The only person who gives me regular lifts is my other half and that’s every day stuff.
Other things I decide what I can do and what I can’t do.
I would never dream of going into a group and slagging off another woman in there for not giving me a lift. Personally, I love a bus if I can manage it. It is a bit of sightseeing and people-watching for me.
But I wouldn’t be doing one that probably takes an hour to get to a hobby, I’d find something nearer.
The only place where I’ve seen lifts as a regular thing is at my local church and I can see why. There is a rota and people join in and help out. But it’s only very short distances and it’s a church. It kind of goes with the hobby!
These threads always have a lift lodger. And then you give in and agree. They never offer a penny towards petrol. Then ask if they can go to the supermarket on the way home.

I would too , but would then be resentful at having to quit something I enjoyed .

You have 2 choices -
Quit / find another group
Stand your ground and explain to everyone your reasons (hoping they drop the issue )

"As I've already mentioned to Ophelia eleventy-billion times: the travel time here and back is PRECIOUS TO BOTH ME & DD so it's ABSOLUTELY NOT HAPPENING, DO NOT ASK US AGAIN"

(if the words in caps happen to come out as hysterical even better lol)

"but people keep suggesting we should help her" "Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t."

Like other PP, not sure I'd want to be in a group of gossipy women like that but equally I'd hate to be bullied out of a group.

I think if someone had the bare faced cheek to say that to my face, I would say something along the lines of "So lets get this cleared up once and for all. As previously explained, I will not sacrifice precious time with my daughter by giving Debbie a lift here/back. It seems you are offering my time to Debbie as though it is yours to throw around which it isn't. If you feel so strongly about it, perhaps you would offer your time to bring Debbie and drop her home? If this bullying continues, I'll have to speak to the group leader. I hope that's clear enough for you to stop the gossip".

Bit waffly but gets the point across. Say it civilly and politely with a smile...

what on earth is the hobby??

It's 'Being Kind' - a delightful group activity whereby one person is nominated to fulfil all of the great 'kindness' ideas that the rest of the group think up/deliberately introduce for them.

Then, after a decade or two, they consider possibly swapping and nominating somebody else to become the executor of the whims of all the others.

As I said that’s what I would do , 😁 nice to help a disabled hobby member and being a genuinely nice human being .

If you join a hobby group, then you also go for the social aspect. Otherwise you’d be doing the hobby at home with your daughter.

Like it or not, a social judgement has been made for refusing to help fellow group member.
Just as you have the freedom to say no and stick to it, others have the freedom to make a judgement. This is part of joining such a group. You will be seen as unsociable and unfriendly and they clearly don’t want that in their group. Ride it out, they’ll get over it eventually or if you can’t handle the heat, move to another group, make sure you don’t mention where you live to anyone to avoid future problems.

No, that is not what the OP says. It's an and, not a because.

maybe it’s good they leave as the group clearly isn’t for them. As they don’t like this woman and the other members don’t seem to like them that much. As I said I would personally offer a lift. Hopefully they will find something that suits them better and it doesn’t sound like they are enjoying it much .