People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Good for you op and I love the idea of mentioning the new rota others have set up to drop them in it! I can't stand cf who use their disabilities to manipulate people. Most disabled people absolutely wouldn't want to put anyone else out.

There is nothing worse than people who volunteer other peoples time to show how virtuous they are.

This in spades. Offering your own time, brilliant. Offering someone elses time, petrol, personal space up instead - cheekyfuckingbugery.

I agree it sounds planned with the reading out of the text messages. Cheeky fuckers. If it’s mentioned again, just keep saying the sooner they sort the rota the sooner they can help.

I would be very surprised if any of them helped. It’s easy when you’re volunteering others, it becomes much harder when these cheeky fuckers have to put themselves out.

Agreed. They simply aren’t friends and she doesn’t want to give anyone a lift as it changes the dynamics.

Playing the victim can give these crude, loudmouthed dominant bullies enormous amounts of power so they get to have their own way.
It's a basic manipulation tactic. I swear this lady is also naturally THE MOST TALENTED artist in the room, am I right?

I think we all struggle in the heat.
My disability is horrendous in the heat so this is what I do - quietly accept I can’t do things.
Of course it feels a bit sad, yes it would be nice to get a lift if it were possible, but to me that would be an occasional thing from someone really close to me.
What I wouldn’t be doing is creating drama like this.
The fact is she’s not going to bully OP into it so now she’s trying to turn the group against her.
Had she kept her cool, gradually got to know OP and actually shown kindness and been good company I reckon OP and her daughter might have thought, do you know what, why don’t we give Jean a lift she’s a lovely person and good fun?
No, Jean is giving Blanche from Corrie vibes. Mean-spirited.
And as someone who misses out on stuff all the time, I don’t want sympathy. It’s about accepting it and thinking how can I use this time wisely? What can I do that’s going to keep my spirits up at home?
Your disability should not define you, although it does affect your life, depending on what it is.

I also didn’t go to my hobby on Monday, even though it’s about a mile away and I can drive there. Because it was hot and I was knackered.

Who doesn’t think CF would have a grump if OP/DD decided to skip a week cos they felt a bit under the weather or overly busy, and thus weren’t going to class, if they had been so accommodating as to give in to her lift demands.

She The GOAT 😂

What gets me is that she didn't even ask for a lift to and from classes in the first place. She found out where OP and DD lived and then announced to them that they drove past her home on the way to the class so they could pick her up on the way. There was no asking involved, she told them that's what they should do.

Yep! This!!! ^ Again, had this happen too, several times, when I was much younger (20s and early 30s.) My mother did it a few times, and even my own DH. Often involved waiting on older people, or looking after other peoples children, or sitting with DH's mate's wife (who I didn't know very well) while he and his mate pissed around on the computer or went to play golf!

Pisses me right off, and it's nearly always women who are put upon, because #BeKind! I feel like girls are made to feel like they have to be nice and accommodating and 'helpful' and are more likely to have guilt trips laid upon them. Took me quite a while to say no, and even longer to not feel bad about it. (Early 50s before I stopped caring.) People don't seem to like me less/dislike me more, so I wish I had said no a lot more.

Both my mother and my DH could pull a stellar sulk for DAYS if I dared to say no though, and I couldn't stand the frost, the side-eyes, and the sighing and the atmosphere if I said no. It was just easier to say yes. I regret it now (also a people pleaser back then,) but I can't turn back time.

I have no problem saying no now, although I have to say people rarely ask me to do anything now. I have mastered a 'Generation X resting-bitchface!' 😆 I'm also a lot older and I don't think people put upon older women as much as younger women. (It happens of course, but I think younger women get used more - for other peoples childcare and looking after the elderly etc...)

I have a weekly hobby in a place approx. 20 mins drive from home. There are two other girls who live in my village, and we don't car share. Logistics are part of this; all of us work, and we only just get to the hobby on time, if you factor in a pick up or 2, even if its on the way, it still adds extra time

Also, the extra communication factor would quickly become a real pain "sorry Jane, I'm running a bit late, it will be nearer 6.40pm when I get to you" and/or if any of us want to call at the supermarket on the way home and/or we just don't feel like chatting on the journey.

Well done for standing firm OP, I completely get where you're coming from.

The manipulative minge! I am so glad you are standing firm, OP. Group pressure from do-gooders (none of whom are offering lifts) and being made out to be the bad guys is so unpleasant. How she imagines this will work in her favour is mindboggling. Must have played these games successfully many times to have her moves so honed, to pile the pressure on. Do not bend!

I hope her bus breaks down next week.

I am loving that!

This. Girls are conditioned to appease, even to their own detriment, to avoid anyone feeling any discomfort. I’m at at age where if people want to create an atmosphere of discomfort, I’ve realised it’s not my job to step in to alleviate the discomfort.

I hope her bus breaks down next week.
😂

I’ve someone at work like this , she tries to jump
in my car in the morning after my 12 hour nightshift . I drop another workmate of but she live en route to my house so not going out my way, this other cheeky fucker lives miles away and never offers a penny on petrol money . I’ve told her so many times I need to get home to take my little boy to school . As i really struggle for childcare . My dh leaves for work the second I step
in the door. People are so entitled

Yep, like a modern-day Britannia Music Club! We'll just send you the tape or CD that WE want to sell to you - then invoice and chase you threateningly for the money - but if, for some bizarre reason you don't want it, you have to let us know!

Blimey. I'd forgotten all about them!

Well done OP! I’m so glad you handled that manipulative situation with aplomb. That should be the wrist of it over and done with but be ready with a quick deflection if it starts up again next week.

And that @PetulaGordeno is why many many more people would offer you a lift rather than Mrs CF in this scenario xx

Stick to your guns - I love chatting to my kids when driving, it is quality time

Just keep repeating “we don’t go straight from home to class and we don’t go straight back. We do coffee, shopping, visit friends and relatives, go out for a meal”

Swiftly followed by “who would like to volunteer to be on a rota for picking up X?”

see the true olympian CF will just say "oh that's all right, I'll tag along.

Exactly! I’ve dealt with this breed of CF before, they have a way round any excuse you give them!

Yes, I worked with a woman like this who accompanied her colleagues on many an Asda shop en route to home when husbands picked them up!
They tried to avoid her but she was always out first and waiting by their car!