People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

I think I would leave the group! All so awkward! I definitely would have succumbed and offered Paula a lift, even if just on the way home. I must admit I would have felt bad driving past someone waiting at a bus stop if I passed their house.

I suppose some people think “ask and ye shall receive” or “people can only say no” but they have to accept a rebuff. If I asked for a lift/favour and it was declined I would die of embarrassment, not launch into a campaign to get them to say yes.

Well done OP.

This sort of CFery is partly why I am always vague or change the subject if anyone in a hobby group asks me where I live. Although I see in this case CF only found out because your daughter mentioned the gym she goes to. Really out of order for her to persist and to involve others but hopefully the rota suggestion has shut it down. If other people are stupid enough to go out of their way for someone who uses emotional blackmail and manipulation to get what they want, more fool them.

If they pressure you to join the rota because "it's only once every x weeks" shut that down too. I predict that there will be no rota though and the CF will either simmer down or leave.

@formigas we have a saying in NE Scotland"they'll disappear like sna aff a dyke"
The rota won't happen be a chorus of oh but..insert excuse.

why let other people drive your life?

@MaturingCheeseball this cf didn’t even ask, she just announced that OP and DD could give her a lift!

Yes, this is what is often overlooked: whether it's a child or an adult, they tend to take on automatic 'guest' status and so everything revolves around them and their comforts and preferences.

In reality, you're doing them a big favour, for which they should be grateful; but it doesn't seem to ever work out that way.

Lots of people are having to make adjustments because of the heat. Doesn't mean others have to change their routines to help.

Next time the lift issue is discussed and the CF is present, I would say 'as I mentioned I can't help unfortunately, but these guys have kindly offered to set up a rota for lifts.' Then see how they react.

Yes, this is what I don't understand in people's thinking. From the lift-giver's POV, they're doing an occasional favour; but from the CF's POV, they're actually proving that 'it works' and so it's a big foot in the door for them.

If it 'worked' last week, what possible reason could you have for not doing the same next week, and the week after that, and forever? What has changed?

My worst lift cf was old school friend. Df gave her a lift to school - detouring to her house - every day for six years. Plus, as her family were car-less, lifts to all sorts of other things too (parties, discos (!), etc).

Anyway, her dm passes her test and they get a car. Shortly afterwards our car breaks down and I ring and ask friend for a lift to a mutual sports thing. Friend replies that other people are ahead of me in the lift queue . My df was a very mild-mannered man but he was furious!!

Ironically if the lady had been accepting of your initial response you may have been more inclined to offer the occasional lift or joined a rota. The manipulating behaviour of both her and others in the group has only confirmed you need to keep firm boundaries.

Aside from all the OP's posts showing why this woman's behaviour and entitlement makes her very easy to dislike, why on earth does it automatically mean that you dislike somebody just because you don't put yourself out by doing them a favour that they might like, but don't even need?

If you go out to a restaurant, do you look outside to find a homeless person who might appreciate your meal instead of eating it yourself? Why not? Do you dislike poor people? Do you ever have spare seats in your car and drive past pedestrians without inviting them to hop in? Why not? Do you dislike strangers?

This. I would now be treating the rota as official now— next time Bus Lady mentions it… “Actually, (Lady Who Made Excuses 1) and (Lady Who Made Excuses 2) were actually discussing a rota last week—probably best to align with them directly.”

Time for them to get dropped in it/have the pressure put on them. See how they like it.

Giving anybody a lift doesn't work for us.

(Edited to remove 2 stupid stars that keep appearing)

The thing with this woman saying that she can't make the journey on the bus in the heatwave is that her feelings and reasonings may be completely justified. Waiting around for the bus; longer travel time; no aircon on the bus etc.

However, if she feels that she can only make the journey in a car... this is EXACTLY the entire raison d'etre of taxis - which are generally freely available in all but the most remote areas, especially if you pre-book them. I don't mean making mugs of people by guilting them into driving you for free; I mean actual commercial taxis, where the driver is actively out on a shift and seeking people whom he/she can take to their chosen destination.

Yes, two 40-minute taxi rides will probably cost quite a lot of money... but balanced against all of the costs that car owners have to pay over the year, for an occasional one-off in adverse circumstances, it's an absolute bargain.

Or does her disability somehow prevent her from travelling in cars unless she doesn't have to pay or even offer the driver any contribution for the journey...?

Or does her disability somehow prevent her from travelling in cars unless she doesn't have to pay or even offer the driver any contribution for the journey...?

100%

The 'disability' many people have of "short arms, long pockets"

I'm in awe at your ability to be firm in the face of such blatant manipulation! Well done to you and your daughter.

CF spied her arse, as they used to say in school in the 80s

Although I see in this case CF only found out because your daughter mentioned the gym she goes to.

I don't know this woman personally, but most CFs are extremely adept in manipulating conversations around to eliciting useful information that they can mentally store up and use against you for their benefit.

To a non-CF, it's just neutral small-talk; but you can almost hear the cogs working in their brains as they look for and engineer an 'in that they can exploit. To you, it's just throwaway trivia; but to them, it's a 'gotcha'.

"disliking someone for no reason" is not relevant. In this case it does sound like the woman is a CF but you don't have to dislike someone, or even have views about them at all, to decline to commit to doing something you don't want to do.

@DanceUnderStars WELL DONE! The reading out of the text? Well out of order, that was so preplanned to guilt trip you.

Why the hell they think you might reconsider after pulling that stunt?? Nasty.

I'll say it again - tenner says that CF claims every bit of mobility allowance going which she could choose to use if she doesn't want to get the bus.

And I'll also say this again - she signed up to an activity, she knew where it was and that she didn't drive!

This absolutely. Your pro level CF will enter a situation looking for options and vulnerabilities. This time she mistook her prime target. Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't try again with someone else in the class.

Yes, this. Even the ones who genuinely aren't trying to be CFs still don't seem to understand the practicalities for you - as all they have to do is get in at the start and then get out at the end.

They're used to getting buses or taxis, which drop them off and then immediately drive away, so finding somewhere to park and paying for it is completely off their radar. They might even suggest that you could 'just' drop them off and then you 'just' go off and find somewhere to park - and it doesn't even cross their minds that that works perfectly for them, but very much not for you.

Again, with their mindset of buses and taxis, it often doesn't even register to them the time you have to spend driving to them and then back again afterwards.

Airports are the worst for this. Not only are they few and far between - meaning that your 'local' airport could very easily be an hour or more's drive away, and the same back again; but even just to leave your engine running whilst they jump out often costs a very considerable 'drop-off fee. Naturally, because it's YOUR car that YOU need to park (whilst doing them a huge favour), it's always YOUR responsibility to sort out and pay for all that!

When (not if) it happens again - "Oh are you still not sorted with a lift? Your flying monkeys Joan and Doris said last week about a rota to pick you up, so KIND of them! Glad they can sort it"

If she raises it again I would feign surprise and say oh a few people were arranging a roster to help you didn’t that come off? It’s frustrating it’s divided the group but that’s not on you.

Well done for sticking to your guns op. Don’t give in.

This definitely.