People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Which is why MN is so fond of that particular phrase 'no is a complete sentence'.

The minute you start with the reasons, they see that as the opening of a negotiation. It's not a negotiation, the answer is 'no'.

I've also learned in my middle-age that no one actually appreciates a walkover. They take what they want and despise you into the bargain.

Ha ha we had this with Books for Children.
Inundated, we were.
ETA re Britannia Music Club post

and this is why "no" is a complete sentence.

Yes this - any kind of a reason and they twist their way around it. It really is better off with a firm 'No that does not work for me' and walk the fuck away. I have had decades of explaining MY life to people to get out of things and really wish I had told more of them just to fuck off instead.

And since all the group heard the conversation, if the topic comes up again, the OP can innocently say, loudly, "oh I think Susan was organising a rota with some of the others, it just isn't practical for my daughter and me".

I'm sure the percentage of disabled people wanting to put people out is exactly the same as the rest of the population 😉. CFs are available in all feathers.

I always say " No but thank you for the offer "
They stand there like
What just happened ?
Works everytime

Yes, this is true. You think you've given them a very valid, clear No; but they twist it into getting what they were always demanding plus a bonus coffee and cake, that they'll find some way of getting you to pay for as well!

They thrive on awkwardness (for you, not them) and they simply do not work to the same standard social rules that everybody else does.

😂
Yes I did this with a CF who was always trying to blag his way onto my boat: ‘Thank you! Really kind of you to offer but thanks can manage with the [non existent] crew I already have’

I love this and am stealing it.

And I would say “no you won’t!”

Or, “oh thank you - help with changing their nappies, clipping their toenails and giving them a bed bath would be great!”

How do people do it? WHY do they do it? Is there a special 'how to be a cheeky fucker and blag lifts off people' course that (some) non drivers and (some) people without cars do? Utterly shameless all of them!

its not just about blagging lifts. People do things like this for 2 reasons. One is of course to get things that they want....like any scammer or con merchant. the other thing is power and control...also i guess like scammers. . This thread is about blagging lifts because that's the issue here but there is also currently a thread about a woman who tried to blag her neighbour into caring for her cat. Some people just like to have a victim.

@AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · Today 15:30

Yep, like a modern-day Britannia Music Club! We'll just send you the tape or CD that WE want to sell to you - then invoice and chase you threateningly for the money - but if, for some bizarre reason you don't want it, you have to let us know!

Oh yeah I remember them LOL! Some companies (these days) that sell coins do the same. The TV ads say "buy this wonderful 'Queen Elizabeth the Second 100th birthday' gold plated silver coin for just £39.99, and have the pleasure of receiving one beautiful Pattingham Mint coin a month to examine - and keep if you decide."

And the other coins are £69 to £139 each, and they send one every month and the onus is on you to return it, or you have to pay for it. Every. Single. Month! I think it's for a full year. (May be longer!)

Thank you for this. yes, you're right.

Its a narcissistic trait
Disclaimer * Im not diagnosing anyone with NPD btw , thats an extremely rare diagnosis

They see themselves as entitled to everything they want full stop and only the best , they cannot be wrong or challenged
They will go to any lengths to get it, including lying, gaslighting, spreading gossip, tantrums and violence

Ive learned to speak up
I would ask them why they are standing by my car ?
Then no we are going to visit someone
'I will come too"
No thank you

I just dont care about high conflict people anymore
I just am like stone, they bounce off me

its a great thing when you can achieve that...seriously a great mental health protector.

They scour all the CF threads on MN, looking for tips and making notes - it's like night school for them.

Well done!

I'm willing to bet that now you've brought up the rota, which turns it around on them to have do make an effort, it won't come up again. It might be a bit awkward for a few weeks but it will settle and pass.

To be fair, being a non driver or carless are not prerequisites for lift blagging cheekyfuckery, just as having no money isn’t a requirement for round dodging cheekyfuckery in the pub.

It's astounding that this woman has maneuvered her minions into acting as accomplices in this sting operation.
What cunning plan will she come up with to deal with the rota? Will she start on them as a group, demanding to be chauffeured? Or will she single out the easiest mark?

I think it’s time to re-address the teacher and let them know that this is beyond a joke. I would explain to the teacher that neither you or your daughter like this woman because she is negative and gossips about other class members. Explain that when she enrolled she knew she would have to utilize public transport to and from these classes. Because she has learned that you live nearby, she now feels that you are obliged to provide this transport instead. She has weaponised her disability to create factions that are now rallying to her defence by gossiping about you, making pointed comments in class and you find it all uncomfortable and this needs to be addressed by the teacher.

Respectful but hard disagree
Do not go to the teacher
Op does not now need to go back to JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
This is how they keep you in the game they are playing
Op has said No, she needs to keep that boundary not explain or defend it
Just No

I completely agree. The OP and her daughter have dealt with it and regardless of the factual truth, its never going to be a good look to be saying "miss we don't like one of the other students and you have to side with us."
In my experience, the CF would purely love to see this escalate, its meat and drink to them.