People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

@TabbyM I think the OP in this thread, and the 99.9 per cent of posters, all of whom agree with her, are not representative of normal life. I dared to suggest, upthread, that OP could offer the odd lift, say once a month, and was pounced upon as if it were the biggest imposition in the world and how dare I suggest something so grotesque. "No is a complete sentence" etc, etc.

In real life, people aren't like this, so don't feel bad that you need an occasional lift. Most people are honestly happy to help, so long as it's not too long a drive out of their way. And most people understand that what goes around comes around.

Agreed…

You shouldn’t be worried by this thread TabbyM. Your case is different as you go to your club independently each week without expecting someone to give you a lift and being unpleasant when you don’t get one.

You are asking for a lift very occasionally, when you need to get somewhere further, and I’m sure you are very different in your approach than the person in OP’s thread.

The majority of posters here are a reflection of wider society - we are happy to help out someone on occasions but not to be forced into something by someone manipulative.

You don’t need to worry. X

It's got absolutely nothing to do with people offering - or even asking for on occasion - friends a lift.

It's people - mainly women - being expected and guilted into giving regular lifts to people who aren't even nice to them, when they've made it very clear that they don't want to and it doesn't work for them.

I think what you are describing is quite different to OPs situation where the woman can get a bus but wants a lift every week. You are happy to walk or get public transport when it is possible to. Thats different.

However, is there a reason you couldn’t get a taxi or uber when events are not on a public transport route? Or get public transport so far and then a taxi/uber. Then you wouldn’t be relying on others, feeling bad or having to make conversation that you don’t want to make.

The woman sounds awful OP. Who could blame you for not wanting to give her a lift? Your time with your daughter is also important and sounds lovely so stick to your guns and I hope tonight goes well.

This is all perfectly reasonable OP and understandable. I have teenagers and have found car drives the easiest way to get them to open up and chat. It’s definitely quality time!

Ignore the people telling you it’s not quality time - they’re being dicks. Just because it isn’t for them doesn’t mean their experience is universal and they don’t get to tell you or your daughter how you should spend time together

You're describing occasional lifts, which most drivers have given.

What's conspicuous by its absence in your post is that you've ever committed to giving someone lifts on a regular basis and which requires you and your family member to change your routine and no longer be able to stop for a coffee or shopping.

But the OP is not willing to give even an occasional lift.

No, they’re not. We’ve established that now.
I don’t know why OP made the point about it being about spending time with their daughter when they just don’t like the woman!

She doesn't like the woman. I don't inflict 80 minutes a week with someone I don't like, do you?

Do you have children, particularly teen or young adult children like OP does?

My kids are between 17 and 21 and at college and uni. Finding time and something that they’re interested in doing can be hard, and when you find it, you hold onto it. The time to chat in the car is great with all of mine. Its just us, no distractions and they talk about how they’re feeling about things, not just what they’re doing.

I remember when our kids were younger and me and my husband used to call each other from our cars on the way home from work as it would sometimes be the only way chance we got to talk without being interrupted by our children.

We connect with loved ones whenever and however we can and shouldn’t be made to feel it’s not good enough, or that we should give that up to be community minded to random people.

Agreed.
Once I gave a lift to a neighbours child to school for a week. My funny, chatty children went silent that whole week in the car. I had to refuse future lifts as it completely ruined the vibe. I spoke with the child and not my own!

The other thing is that men wouldn’t give lifts if they didn’t want to. That’s the point and other men wouldn’t shame them for not giving lifts. They wouldn’t see it as any of their business.

Im sure the Op would be quite happy to give the occasional lifts to her friends but that isn’t the situation here.

Because she wants time with her daughter AND this woman isn’t nice.

And the woman doesn’t actually need a lift, there is public transport.

So OP wants time alone with her daughter and the woman wants a lift. Why should this woman want trump OPs want?

But we’re not talking about an occasional life. That’s different. Op is being badgered to give a virtual stranger regular lifts, and despite explaining that she’s not going to proceed, is being bullied by new hobby-cf, plus other class members to acquiescence.

Because it’s both.

I’d hate this too. Good luck tonight, stick to your guns.

Of course- because why on earth would you give up quality time for someone you find obnoxious? 🙄

If this woman was pleasant and kind perhaps the OP would actually feel comfortable giving a lift occasionally because she’d feel comfortable enough to say sorry I’m getting coffee with my daughter on the journey this week. But since this woman is domineering and entitled it’s blatantly obvious she isn’t going to react well to that so the only option is a flat NOPE

Yes and psychologists and counsellors recommend this as a good way of connecting with younger people because of the lack of pressure to converse.

Strawman argument
Its not just a one off with this woman who will likely wheedle,create even more drama and be the "victim" of the Op when she says no to further lifts, the people up thread were correct to advise Op to steer clear

We have all done car shares/ odd lifts when our kids are doing clubs/ Brownies etc , no idea why saying No , politely to someone you dislike,because you prefer having 1:1 time with your teenage daughter is causing such a fuss.

Errr....because people can have more than one reason for a decision?

Also, the 'spending time with her DD' is a kinder reason to give to the lift-demander than 'you are loud and critical and obnoxious, so that's a no from me.'

I would give her a lift, Jesus wept. A disabled woman and child catching a bus to get to a place you’re already going to? I hope someone would offer in a situation like this, and it’s brave she asked. Not sure how she’s a cf. she might not have been bitching, maybe just mentioned it or someone said doesn’t x live by you?

There is no child catching the bus.