People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Well, I’m actually not like that but I can see what you mean. I do genuinely not see that as quality time, and I’d be a bit concerned if my mum considered that as quality time as well.

I think you've put this excessively generously. What I see is rampant misogyny - yes, there's that word again but it's used commonly because the phenomenon itself is tediously common.

It's women's time and labour constantly being volunteered for free, usually on the pretext of #BeKind. Men don't tend to have to navigte this BS at all. And women are, only too rightly, becoming sick of it and are now engaging in some long-overdue pushback.

Women are not under immediate obligation to give someone something just because they happen to ask for it.

I have male friends who give lifts to friends or people they know from football, so I’m not seeing the misogyny in this particular instance…

You'd be concerned that your Mum saw 40 minutes of uninterrupted 1to 1 time with you as quality time?

That surprises me, what about it makes it concerning?

I can’t drive for medical reasons, it’s a pain in the arse. It’s ok in the summer/when it’s light - I don’t mind getting public transport, when it’s dark I’m less keen so I get an Uber or DH meets me from the station.

Luckily I have good friends who often offer a lift - but I try not to ask as I don’t want to be a burden (and these sort of posts make me feel worse), but sometimes I do have to ask as people know I’m not a piss-taker.

Your hobby woman has gone about this the wrong way - maybe coming to a compromise of bringing her home when you’re not going out afterwards and her not bitching to the group would’ve been better in her part.

Of course you have a right to say no, but do think of us medically unfit non-drivers a bit more kindly (I drove for 25 years so am not ignorant of driving issues, obviously if someone takes the piss then I would stop the fsvour).

I just personally view quality time differently to a car ride I guess! I prefer to bond over other things and with different activities. Often the driver is focusing on the road, so I don’t see it as uninterrupted time.

Exactly. Being kind is seeing someone in need and voluntarily offering to help them. Not being pressganged into doing something you don't want to do against your will, saying no, and then being castigated for it.

It’s 80 mins in a car. I’d consider that a lovely time to catch up with my young adult daughter. There’s something about not facing each other that means they open up. Happy memories of her learning to drive and us pootling around each evening chatting while she practiced. We also go to big shopping centre hour each way sometimes and chatting in car is part of trip.
Stick to your guns.

That's so true, now you come to mention it. There's a lot of gender-based expectation in the mix with this kind of thing, as with so many other things. Depressing that this is still happening in 2026!

Luckily I have good friends who often offer a lift - but I try not to ask as I don’t want to be a burden (and these sort of posts make me feel worse), but sometimes I do have to ask as people know I’m not a piss-taker.

Don't worry - asking a favour now and again of friends is very very different to expectin/demanding an ongoing regular commitment from someone you barely know.

The car ride is on the way to an art class. They also stop for coffee / shopping.

What's wrong with a drive, art class and shopping/coffee as quality time?

You do understand that sometimes people have different ideas and opinions than you, don't you?

It doesn't automatically make you right and them wrong.

I think you're correct on this.
If it was a man at the group who had been asked for lifts to and from the activity and he had said "no can do"
there would be no repeat asking,no questioning why and no constant mutterings from the rest of the attendees of
"Oh what a shame about you not being able to pick up Marjorie, especially as you virtually pass her home"
Because he's a Man and Man has spoken.🙄

I do understand that. I was simply sharing my point of view.

Yes, in a manner that displayed utter incredulity that anyone could think such a thing.

Give the OP a break, she clearly feels bad enough about the situation!

Thank you and to everyone else who understands that this can be quality time.

We chat and catch up about everything mostly, but we also have an audiobook we listen to a little of each week. Once a month or so we will go and do some shopping or go and have coffee and some food somewhere before or after the class. We both enjoy that time as much as the class we do.

We also run together, so bond over than but there is not much chatting. We do other things together like watching films, cooking etc but the car time is probably the most time we get to chat just us. We are both busy, she lives at home but attends uni, we both work, we do things as a family, I spend time alone with my husband and son as well as does she, we all see friends and socialise with others. It’s not easy to find one on one time, so this is ours.

Yip. No is a complete sentence.

What life lesson do we teach our children (daughters in particular)?

Don't let other people manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

After reading op’s take on her, I can’t help wondering if this woman purposely started the class with a view to snagging a lift from another student at the earliest opportunity. apologies if this has been said before, I haven’t rtft.

Threads like these always make me feel bad - from the pother point of view I attend a local club that is walking distance from my house so usually no problems. Sometimes we have events elsewhere - if they are on a bus route, no issue but occasionally these will be in the back of beyond and I need to beg a lift. About 30% of us don't own cars, I don't expect to get lifts and always offer coffee/petrol money but it does make it awkward as a non-driver (which is usually no problem due to walking to work /reasonable buses / limited trains). I don't want to make conversation regularly with people I don't know well either! Nor do I want people to offer me a lift when I'm at a bus stop peacefully staring into space.

Definitely stick to your guns I would love to be able to have quality time like that with my mum I can recognise how precious that time would be for you. Its really unfair for anyone to expect you to give this lady a lift just because shes in quite close proximity to you if the others are so concerned for her they can give her a lift themselves its not your obligation especially if she isnt a very pleasant character.

I also don’t drive, I do use a lot of mini cabs and Ubers as well buses a few times a weeks. I sometimes get a taxi part of the way to nearest bus stop or visa versa if it’s an awkward venue.
I look on it as I don’t have the expense of running a car so am happy to spend on transport.
I attend an activity on Mondays and one of the regular participants lives about five or less minutes from me. I’ve deliberately never told her or anyone there I don’t drive as I wouldn’t want her to feel obliged to offer a lift or someone to make her feel uncomfortable.

You are completely in the right….

You're going to a hobby together and someone wants to muscle in and you wouldn't find that annoying?

It's not about expressing a view, you are just being sanctimonious. You'd never say to a friend in real life that they were weird to want to spend time with their offspring.

I used to be involved in something every summer home from Uni. It involved one day a week and my dad, semi-retired, used to take me. It was in the summer, always for a few hours at different venues at most an hour away.
He was so lovely he’d take himself off for those few hours. It was often in a seaside take place so many a time he’d be on a deckchair with his radio on.
The drives there and back are now some of my most precious memories. It’s a long time ago now but we’d listen to Steve Wright on R2 on the way home.
We created so many in-jokes, we’d spend a fair bit of time laughing about my mum (we couldn’t help ourselves!) or discuss the news, life, honestly those hours flew by.
My mum always used to say, your poor father he must be bored stiff ferrying you about. And I can just remember sitting on an old fashioned bench having an ice cream with him before we drove home.
He also told me more about his young life.
Sadly, he’s no longer with me but I can remember when he was poorly and he’d talk to me about those afternoons.
They would never have happened had someone else been in the car.