People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

@littlemousebigcheese there's no child involved, where did you get that from?

And the OP heard her complaining to other people in the art group.

You said...

I’d be a bit concerned if my mum considered that as quality time as well.

Which certainly implied that anyone feeling differently to you was a rightful cause for concern.

Have you even read the OPs posts? There is no child needing a lift

what on earth are you even going on about?!

There is no child getting the bus. The woman signed up for the class knowing where it was. Brave? Jesus wept indeed. 😭

Could you move house OP?

I’ve read your updates Op.
I have no idea why you lead with “quality time “when clearly the main issue is this women is a PITA .

The misogyny is not being able say “ I don’t think we get on well enough for me to give you a lift” and being able to cope with the reaction.

Be honest with us the woman and the group

A one off lift is one thing.

Committing to give occasional gifts removes the possibility of OP and her dd doing spontaneous fun things together.

Also, when you give one lift it becomes expected that you will keep giving lifts.

Absolutely NOT a strawman. Everyone is now telling @TabbyM not to worry because people don't mind giving an occasional lift. However, OP has stated repeatedly that she is unwilling to give her (annoying) disabled art classmate an occasional lift. When I suggested once a month, the suggestion was shouted down by the thread as intolerable.

Asking someone for an 80 minute lift each week is stunning and brave 🤣

Why is annoying in brackets - it makes the world of difference. I wouldn’t give a lift to someone annoying either? It makes a fundamental difference. If you’re rude and annoying, people won’t want to be around you. It doesn’t matter what you think you need.

Yea and I stand by that, that’s not how my mum and I choose to spend time together and that’s fine as well

I think the confusion is arising because of the difference between one off lifts and occasional lifts.

A pp suggested upthread that OP commit to an occasional lift on the first Sunday of every month.

What a ball ache of a mental load to remember!

Can you imagine asking a man to remember to pick you up on the first Sunday of every month to take you to an art class?! Wouldn’t happen,

what on earth has that got to do with anything? The OP finds that time useful so why is it remotely relevant that you do things differently

But the thread is not about you. No need to act superior about the way in which OP and her dd spend their 121 time.

Just to clear up what has actually happened in the group about giving this woman a lift.

The woman found out she lived not far from us because my daughter was talking about the gym she attends which is a few minutes from our house and the woman asked my daughter where exactly we lived. When she found that out, she said to us both “oh I live right on your route to here, you can give me a lift”. We laughed it off but she then said “it’s not out of your way, so will you pick me up and drop me as it would be easy for you”.

I said sorry but it’s the only real time we get together to talk properly and my daughter said that sometimes we go to the shop, for food etc before and after the class so it wouldn’t really work. Everyone was aware of this conversation.

That evening when leaving, she loudly made a point about having to get the bus home and how tired she was. We ignored it. She left and a few people asked us why we wouldn’t help her and said that it’s a shame for her getting the bus. We repeated our reasons and said that she knew where the class was when she signed up.

The next week there were a few comments from the woman about having to get the bus and some people sympathised. The following week similar.

Last week when when we walked in, (you walk into a room where you leave bags and get aprons, which then leads onto another room where we actually do the class), we were hanging our bags up and getting an apron and we could hear this woman in the next room saying how long it takes her on the bus and if only we would give her a lift it would be so much easier. A few other people were sympathising with her and one said she doesn’t see why we won’t and that maybe they can get us to change our minds. There were further comments to us last week and we just said it’s not possible and explained why again.

Some people in the group haven’t got involved, some have look at us in sympathy and some have sent me a message to say what a nightmare she is and not to give in.

We are leaving for the class soon so we’ll see how tonight goes. The thread has helped and we are feeling prepared! 💪😂

This is absolutely ridiculous isn’t it. 😂

Good luck OP! Stand firm. Some people are so entitled.

Keep strong!!

Stay strong, OP!

Some people in the group haven’t got involved, some have look at us in sympathy and some have sent me a message to say what a nightmare she is and not to give in.

Look to the people who messaged if you feel your resolve waver!!

I help family and friends with lifts whenever they ask and I can do it.

I have helped work colleagues and neighbours out with lifts as one offs and in emergencies.

I don’t know this woman very well, she is rude and wants to impose every single week even though she has another option available to her, which was the option she was using before she found out where we lived without any complaints that I heard. This isn’t for a one off because there is a problem with the bus. She hasn’t been polite in the group so even as a one off we wouldn’t do it now.

I note that the words "please" and "if it's not too much trouble" haven't featured in her 'request'...

Oh dear. I've been in your situation and learned the hard way! School mum wanting a lift to the gym - she lived literally next to the school, I lived about 4 miles away. Started asking for a lift to the gym after drop off which I foolishly agreed to thinking it was a one off (Having to take her back home out of my way). Then it was another ask and another ask until literally every time I saw her she would want to know if I was going to the gym or could I take her to the supermarket. And then one day I couldn't. I was going for coffee with a friend and then going to the gym. Why couldn't she come for coffee? etc. Nose firmly out of joint and moaning about me to another friend. So, of course I dug my heels in and refused any more lifts. Not sure there is anyone in that village who doesn't know what a horrible person I am now! 😂
Good luck tonight OP!

When she found that out, she said to us both “oh I live right on your route to here, you can give me a lift”. We laughed it off but she then said “it’s not out of your way, so will you pick me up and drop me as it would be easy for you”.

What a cheeky fucker 😂
What is she the boss of you?
I'd have it out with her. Tell her to stop badmouthing you. Complain to the group lead. Tell them she is bullying you.

Prime example of how one-off lifts quickly become the norm with CFs.