People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Say that you've taken everyone's comments on board - both in the class and on Mumsnet and are now driving two homeless people to and from a homeless shelter every evening.
You pick them up five mins down the road, so definitely have no room for Catherine. Say how good it makes you feel to be "giving back to the community" and that you hope someone else can take a leaf out of your book and give Catherine the lifts she's been asking for.

Or just carry on as you have been and enjoy time alone with your DD. Good luck this evening.

‘You too, can have the Helper’s High I’ve got, art friends! Simply drive Josie to and from class at her whim - make sure you get the right biscuits or she’ll kick off’

@DanceUnderStars you are under no obligation to offer lifts to someone you don't even like.

Your decision is made - so if someone keeps pestering you then I'd stop them in their tracks by breezily saying 'Brenda, you must have missed it when I said that I'm not giving the lifts. As you feel very strongly about this, I'll tell Doreen that you'll be happy to do them. Now - who wants a cup of tea?'

Yes, it wouldn't surprise me either. If she can't comprehend their perfectly reasonable wish for privacy to be able to talk together in the car, why would it make a difference that they're at a restaurant?

In fact, there's less privacy with the latter, as there is the hubbub of strangers from nearby tables, who could potentially overhear sensitive content; whereas a moving car with the windows closed is properly exclusively private.

I just love how many people say that they “would” do this sort of thing. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone post that they actually do this.

You get a few people saying how they give a friend or occassionally a colleague a lift, but it’s always for a short journey, a short time period, very sporadic etc and is never something that they didn’t want to do that they have made themselves do (or someone else has guilted them into doing) to “be kind”. The ones that fall under the latter category are all the lift share threads on Mumsnet with people saying they are unhappy with doing them!

I do give lifts from time to time, but only if it’s a friend/family member, or I happen to pass someone I know at a bus stop, etc.

I won’t commit to regular lifts because at some stage it becomes an expectation, and inevitably there will be times when it causes me inconvenience due to lack of flexibility.

Sometimes I simply don’t want someone else in the car with me.

It took a lot of time, trouble and expense for me to pass my test. and then having to meet the ongoing running costs of my car.

I didn’t do all that to become a convenience to someone else, although of course I’d help in an emergency.

I don’t see anything wrong with not offering lifts simply because I don’t want to.

OP needs to just say no. No reasons, no excuses. She doesn’t owe anyone any sort of explanation.

If others are bothered they can put themselves out, not take the easy option of trying to coerce OP to do it.

This!

Why does it matter ? Her disability doesn’t stop her from using public transport or she wouldn’t have signed up for a non essential activity a bus ride away. And if the woman uses her disability to manipulate others, won’t take no for an answer and engages others to pressure OP into giving her what she wants, she actually doesn’t sound particularly likeable.

I'm at an age where if I were in OP's position and was asked why I won't give her lifts I'd say "because I cannot abide her".

Somehow I knew you’d be a “But each to their own” type.

The thing is... why shouldn't this simply be enough for anybody?

Why is it completely overlooked how unpleasant, loud and overbearing this woman chooses to be - and not to consider anybody but herself... yet OP is somehow told that she's being a big meanie for self-sufficiently driving herself and her DD to their activity, before behaving well and respectfully during the activity, and not wanting that precious time each week to be destroyed by this woman riding roughshod over them?

I'd possibly understand the assumption a tiny bit more if she was a nice person; but she isn't - and as even young children can learn, choosing not to behave nicely and treat other people kindly will bring negative consequences for you.

Why is OP being brought to account and criticised for doing absolutely nothing wrong; whereas this woman is allowed to get away with whatever she likes in putting herself first and centre at all times?

You really don't understand the concept of people who enjoy quality time on their own or exclusively with loved ones? Even when that's the only time they get on their own together? Are you an arch-extrovert who doesn't like not being with others, or do you maybe just have a lot of spare time in your life?

Ignore the fact that they happen to be in a car together, as that's neither here nor there - most people do have limited opportunities for quality time and so they really treasure it when they get it.

Oh that's claptrap.
I was a driver and now because of a disability, I'm not.
So I know what its like to be a driver and a non-driver.

Given this woman's personality I suspect that some of them just want her to shut up about travel, and it seems easier to pressure you than to tell her to put a sock in it.

I'm a bit bolshy and would say "I have already given an answer and I won't be changing my mind. Your opinion on this matter is irrelevant to me so please don't mention it again."

Oh bore off.
OP has already answered ages ago why she doesn't like her. That was 50% of my question and its highly relevant.
You don't want a loud, annoying person in your car. End of story.
I am disabled and I wanted to know what was up with this woman, why it was mentioned and how it affects things. Not an unreasonable question thank you.

You are in an unfortunate position but that is not usually the case.

Because the level of her disability makes no difference, a higher level of disability does not equal any more bearing on the OP to help out

What does that mean exactly?

I don’t consider a 40 min drive with someone as quality time but each to their own.

Not sure where you have got the impression that anyone is interested in what your view of quality time is? 😂

The issue is (from her first post) how people would handle others wading in and feeling they can offer this woman the OP's freetime/car/ time with her daughter.

A bit judgemental. That 40 minute journey + class might be the only time OP has with her dd after work and other committments. What happened to "be kind"?

It’s what I frequently see people on MN say when they want to be as judgemental as possible whilst keeping up their own facade of “kindness”.

Irrelevant!!!
Could be any reason or no reason.
OP does not have to justify herself.

The issue is how best to deal with people who haven't taken no for an answer, getting them to listen, getting them to stop going on AND not have to leave the group hopefully.

I’ve seen you do this on other peoples threads. This is your style of posting on mumsnet. Go and get your attention elsewhere. I hope your life improves so that you no longer take your issues or whatever is going on with you out on people online, because it’s a sad use of your time.

Off topic but I LOVE your use/choice of names in your example scenario. Brilliant.

@DanceUnderStars just ignore. If anyone feels that strongly about it they can give all the lifts.

It's not bad to ask but it's really poor form to not accept a "no" with grace.

Lovely to know you like to analyse my other responses, maybe you could think up a better use of your own time? I certainly don’t do that.

You’ve posted a thread on a discussion board, and people are giving their responses. You’re going to get a variety of them on here.

You need to assert yourself with this woman, and if it keeps getting discussed amongst the group, maybe speak to the facilitator. If it doesn’t change or continues to make you feel uncomfortable, then you’re going to need to consider finding another group. I think that’s fair advice.