People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

You're being bullied. I think it would be enough to make me not go to the group anymore! You don't need to justify your choices, I would just keep saying no.

Why don’t you like her, op?

I will definitely suggest they sort out a roster, that doesn’t include us, if they persist with the asking and pressure.

I think your firm approach is correct. Nothing wishy washy. If you give an inch you’ll be stuck with her.
If someone brings it up again tonight I’d say we’ve already explained we can’t as we do other things, why don’t you offer Julie a lift. Turn it on them.

I wouldn't, because the lady sounds like the sort who will then expect it 100% leaving the OP in the same situation. You can't reason with people like that unfortunately.

Read her posts, explains it.

See her post 10.38. Loud, irritating, dominating, slags off others work and takes the best biscuits. I wouldn’t fancy 80 mins in car with someone like that each week.

She is awful, but even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t give up my time with my daughter. I don’t think I’m an unkind person, but I do prioritise my relationships with those close to me.

And most of us avoid turning into CF when we do.

Of course they know
No one comes out of the womb driving 😂

Same. Now I’m retired I have no obligation to see anyone I don’t want to and after 40 years of other people’s shit it’s bliss.

I don’t think there’s much you can do tbh, you’ve already explained your reasons. Clearly they think that you’re mean spirited, and you getting snippy with them isn’t going to change their opinion, it will just make them dislike you even more.

Who is right and wrong is kind of irrelevant - these just aren’t people you are compatible with. Presumably you attend the class to enjoy your hobby and spend time with your daughter, not to make friends, in which case just ignore it. Otherwise you will have to change to another class.

A huge yes to that. "Me time" when I'm driving alone is very important. It gives me time to think without distractions, time to enjoy music, etc. I've even done some of my best "thinking" time for clients' tax planning or business development when I've been sat driving, often recording memos/ideas on my dictaphone.

Not just that, though, it's also proved valuable to have some "us time" with my DS, especially when he's driving as it's one time when he's not playing with his phone, so we've had lots of really good long conversations on long journeys and it's a time when he really "opens up" as he knows there aren't going to be interruptions etc.

Is it okay to be a CF if you become disabled then? Do people just have to do what you want even if you’re rude and demanding?

You're describing occasional lifts, which most drivers have given.

What's conspicuous by its absence in your post is that you've ever committed to giving someone lifts on a regular basis and which requires you and your family member to change your routine and no longer be able to stop for a coffee or shopping.

The vitriolic language from PP was disproportionate keyboard warrior stuff.

I love a bit of time alone in my car. Even better when I get to share that time with one of my adult kids. I totally understand @DanceUnderStars don’t give this up for what seems like a person you don’t really like, and who is pretty entitled.

Disability or not, this person made a choice to start the class, in the full knowledge that transport wasn’t provided.

That’s not answering the question

The woman decided to do the activity knowing she'd have to get the bus.

She could have chosen to do something closer to home.

If it was 5 minutes and I didn't want to spend time with a relative/friend, I would.

But this is 40 minutes each way. The bus must take (a lot) longer, so why on earth did this woman even choose this activity?

So what’s the issue then? Just say you can’t do it. If they continue to be unpleasant then change groups. Also I don’t consider a 40 min drive with someone as quality time but each to their own.

She sounds pushy, won’t take no for an answer and uses her disability to manipulate. She’s also clearly talking to the other hobby members behind OP’s back. What’s to like ?

At the moment, they have an annoying woman moaning and angling after regular lifts - neither of which they like or want to do.

If they can guilt OP into transporting her there and back every single week - which will not trouble or cost THEM anything - they both stop her from moaning and they take the heat off themselves wrt being potentially expected to provide lifts or pay towards a taxi.

That's why they're pandering to her - or, more accurately, trying to make OP pander to her.