People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Oh gawd this is so awkward, because on paper there's no reason for you to not give this woman a lift, and it makes sense, and it seems like the decent thing to do, but also, it feels annoying, irritating, and irksome that it's expected. And she's not even a mate or a relative.

Can you possibly get a lift in for a few weeks @DanceUnderStars ? (Sorry if this has been suggested I haven't RTFT!) Say your car is off the road for a bit, and you can't possibly ask this person to ferry more people in too. Although it may look a bit obvious you are doing your best to avoid taking her. Then again, who cares?! The people at the group are well out of order commenting though, it's got fuck-all to do with them. As many posters have said, I would start looking for another hobby group.

You have no need to have your reasons approved of by the other members of the class.

It’s simple, when asked again, answer that you don’t like her, find her selfish, judgemental and unkind towards other members of the group, she has main character syndrome and you wouldn’t want to share a moment of conversation with her let alone a 30 minute drive in the same car.

And be prepared to make your own way to and from the class if for some reason your car isn’t available.

The group might regain respect for your opinion if you state it clearly, and determinedly.

on paper there's no reason for you to not give this woman a lift, and it makes sense, and it seems like the decent thing to do

I don't get this. I only do lift shares for my dc's closest friends not randomers. Even for friends it's not something I'd do on a regular basis. Everyone needs a break and sharing a car requires the children to be sociable when it might be the only time in the day where they can either switch off, read or chat with their parents. Time with family is precious I choose carefully who I invite into sharing time with my family. In Op's case it would never even be reciprocal so that she could get a break she'd simply be a taxi service. I will not inconvenience myself for the convenience of life's takers nor should OP.

Good luck tonight OP. It is absolutely fine to say no, no-one else has offered, which speaks for itself. Some people are entitled like this. Do not offer a life as a one-off because she will try to make it a regular thing. I agreed to give a lift once back from a French class and the person (it was the teacher!) started expecting a lift every week. It was quite a bit out of my way so after that I said no. Reading some of the replies has been helpful actually with the descriptions of main character syndrome etc. I eventually stopped the class because it was all about the teacher and her need for attention that it got tedious - she would randomly burst into song and expect us to applaud and changed class times to suit her other plans! People like this are best avoided unfortunately. Don't give in.

Stand firm.

That she has not only taken your refusal in bad part but is bitching about it to other class members shows how right you were to say no.

And I say that as a non-driving woman with a disability who is perfectly capable of sorting her own transportation out 😉

Not really the same situation though, I think we all do the occasional lift duty, which is absolutely no problems it's being put in a situation where you are expected to ferry someone to an activity every single time. I am sure if you had been in that situation you wouldn't feel the same.

Just say that after each class you and dd go somewhere for a meal to catch up one to one. Say it is the only real chance you get just the two of you, and that unfortunately it isn't anywhere near home.

@DanceUnderStars

But this wouldn’t take a car off the road. It’s not a car share; it’s giving someone without a car a lift.

If this woman is all about community, she can get a communal form of (public) transport.

I know the type. She is probably going to suggest that her dd won't mind tagging along to the restaurant and expect a free meal on top.

If this woman is all about community, she can get a communal form of (public) transport.
She could also suggest she'd drop Dd' daughter off every other week by bus.

Noone mentioned a commercial transaction, perhaps my use of the word taxi threw you? REGULAR lift giving is not what I'd call a "small act of kindness". You can look up 'freeloading, taking the piss, cheeky fucker, one-sided, something for nothing, unreasonable expectations, woe is me, entitled, presumptious'.

Forgot to say op, you could start it off , "Oh Vera sorry cannot give you a life this week, as me and dd are going for a meal, and it isn't near home." Then the next class, just say that you and dd enjoyed the one to one (emphasise just the two of you as she may be a CF and try invite herself), so will be doing it every week, sorry won't be able to do the lifts anymore.

That's why I said 'on paper' and not in reality. I mean it's understandable that some people may think 'why can she not just give this woman a lift if she's coming here anyway, and they live close to each other?' But the OP not wanting to is a good enough reason. I said that in the rest of my post, but you only cut a small bit out! The rest of that paragraph that you cherry picked from said ...

but also, it feels annoying, irritating, and irksome that it's expected. And she's not even a mate or a relative.

Then I went on to suggest a way she could get out of it!

.

I agree with most of the others; it's a cheek for her, and the rest of the group, to expect you to give her a lift. And you shouldn't be afraid to say so. But, if you don't want to have the conversation then I suggest you just simply aquiesce, and agree to pick her up the following week...then just 'forget'!! Once she realises you are unreliable you won't hear another thing :)

you can look up ‘helper’s high’

@meditated , I doubt the OP would get a helpers high for giving up an enjoyable time with her daughter in favour of giving a disagreeable woman prone to gossipping a regular lift. It would be tense at best and unpleasant at worst.

It's one thing to help out a friend or neighbour. It's another thing entirely to do without some much appreciated catch up time with your daughter for someone you don't like.

I would just say I can’t do it every single time but happy to offer you a lift home from time to time

Lol that’s a wild exaggeration

We are not happy to offer her a lift home from time to time though, that’s the difference, and we have good reasons for that, not that we need them.

If you would lose quality time with someone you wanted to spend time with for a stranger who is unpleasant, then that a very interesting and unusual choice.

But this woman and some of the group members are pushing back on the idea of OP (and co-driver DD) saying no at all.

If the vibe had been along the lines of, "hey, Dance, I'm happy to get the bus but would you and DD mind taking me home if the bus is ever cancelled?" then I doubt OP would have even posted.

ETA and if the woman was actually pleasant rather than loud and entitled!

I thoroughly agree with the approach of anyone who continues telling them that since they feel so strongly that someone should help her you'll let her know that they have volunteered.

it sounds like you have got a cohort of the "be kind" brigade in your class. Can i suggest that if you do leave, you privately tell the person who runs the group why you are leaving.

We have previously got on well with the ones who seem to have teamed up with this woman. There have never been any issues in the group until now. I think they’re just trying to appear helpful but aren’t thinking how it is for us.

They should start a roster of dates when each of them is driving her then.

People have explained over and over why this approach will NOT work with a domineering person who won’t respect other people’s boundaries! Good grief.

This person is demanding in the group and insists on having everything her way. If op were to do it “sometimes” she would end up being harassed and bullied to do it all the time.

If you feel so strongly about it I am sure you could donate some money via the OP for this person to get a taxi. I am sure the OP would be happy to pass on your details since you keep claiming it’s no big deal.

And when they say they are not going that way op can respond neither is she as they never go straight home after a class. It is ridiculous that no is never taken as a full answer.

I’d be inclined to give her the lift, atleast on the days I am going straight there tbh. Unless she’s really awful but I would overlook mild annoyance to help someone out. I would expect her to offer fuel money but I would obviously decline. I try to be kind, yoy could say I lack boundaries but that’s just who i am.