People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Being asked to give up 80 minutes of your special personal time every single week is not a 'small act of kindness'.

To most experienced drivers, the actual driving part comes instinctively and is no big deal. The driving is being treated as the main/only thing here, when (to me at least), the main thing would be the precious regular scheduled time together with a loved one (or a chance to listen to whatever music or audiobook I want to if I'm alone) that just happens to take place in a moving car.

To me, it would be the equivalent of some random (not especially nice) person expecting to sit with us in our iving room for 80 minutes one evening every week - maybe because it 'just' worked better for them not having to pay for heating or lighting in their own home for that period. The driving/travelling part is largely irrelevant.

Yep got that the wrong way round!

Life is more pressured nowadays, though, and for some of us our car journeys are actually the only time we get to have a bit of peace/time to think - or, conversely, a bit of quality time with loved ones. It can feel like a lot to sacrifice that, even if that does seem selfish.

But that is true too.

OP, I can't drive and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She is an adult with responsibility for getting herself to places. If other people started pressurising someone to give lifts on my behalf, I would be cringing and asking them to stop.

Try, this is getting boring we can't give a lift end of. And after that just boring.

You could try, lets all put a pound in the kitty every week so that xyz can take a taxi and doesn't have to use the bus if everyone is so worried about her.

This isn’t advice I would usually give, but if anyone starts on this, interrupt and cut them off. I hate people interrupting, but in a case like this it’s justified, as they don’t have a right to a say. Plus it makes it clear you’ve had enough.

“Look - we have HAD this conversation. This isn’t a debate or a majority vote. I’ve said no and that’s an end to it. Anyone else is welcome to offer Jane a lift, but leave me out of it.”

For the record, I did evening classes a few years ago and a fellow student very kindly offered me lifts to and from it when he realised his route took him right past my house. It was very much appreciated, but absolutely not expected, and I would never have asked. This woman must have had a plan to get there under her own steam when she joined the class. If it was doable then, it’s doable now.

Also lift-getters get comfortable. I used to drive a work colleague when she asked. I’d pick her up 5 mins out of my way. To begin with she was outside, then I’d need to call her, eventually I’d be waiting. one time she asked for a lift, didn’t answer when I called so after a few mins I drove off. 5 minutes later she called apologising and expects me to go back! I did, annoyingly. oh how we laughed. I no longer offer lifts!

Precisely. I'm guessing that the 'warm fuzzy' of having helped somebody comes largely from the sincere gratitude from a nice, friendly person who appreciated your unexpected kindness.

Not quite the same when it's somebody who is expecting/demanding it every singke week and bitching about you and dominating you in the meantime, even if you do do it.

Slightly off topic, but valid. When I did a parenting teenagers course, offered as a pilot, one of the things that was talked about was when teenagers decide to tell you things. In the car with the parent driving was often when they did this. It was put forward that this was a time when the teenager felt safe that they were not going to be interrupted and the parent also had to concentrate on the driving as well so couldn’t react too strongly. I am sure that many think this is a load of rubbish but the other parents and I on the course remembered things our teenagers had told us in the car.
Apart from this, many happy times talking to my kids of all ages when it is just 2 of us in the car.

Honestly just ignore it, everyone will forget about this in a few weeks time. It's YOUR car and time together with your daughter. Juts keep saying sorry but we often come straight from X so unable to pick her up etc.
It's really not a big deal

It requires no further explanation. You just carry on regardless and it'll all blow over. Even Jackie will get over it.

Well, I disagree. I don’t think they do.
The lady asking for a lift was not necessarily expecting one.

To me, it would be the equivalent of some random (not especially nice) person expecting to sit with us in our iving room for 80 minutes one evening every week - maybe because it 'just' worked better for them not having to pay for heating or lighting in their own home for that period. The driving/travelling part is largely irrelevant.

Exactly!

So why is she still complaining to others when OP said no?

Nothing you can do except not respond. Return awkward to sender, as they say. They're creating the awkward conversation, so let them feel it. Just say "mmm" or "yep" or "yeah, shame" and let it hang. Or say absolutely nothing at all, and then after a LONG pause comment on something else entirely. Make it painful. When they're the ones looking and feeling like twats, they'll stop doing it.

This. I think some people who regularly take lifts have convinced themselves for self-preservation reasons that it’s not a big ask, and they’re just some sort of benign addition in the back that has no effect whatsoever on the driver.

It’s a massive imposition, each and every time.

Occasionally offering a lift to friends, whose company you enjoy - else they wouldn't be your friends - is very different to being obliged to spend 1h 20 a week with someone you don't like, just because they happen to live near you. Not to mention that spending that time with them stops you spending it with someone you like very much i.e. your own DD.

I think this is a large part of it. Aside from all of the costs and practicalities in actually running the car, if you only ever use public transport, sharing with strangers - even if it's just a single taxi driver - is the norm for you.

If you're never in a vehicle on your own, you would naturally have no concept of why anybody would absolutely treasure that chance to be alone, with their own thoughts or audio choices (maybe singing along!), or only sharing it with carefully-chosen loved ones. For you, transport is nothing more than a necessity to get you from A to B, so the 'private personal space' aspect would naturally be completely lost on you.

The reason we don’t like this woman is because she is very loud, dominates the group and the teachers time and makes everything about her, from the class itself down to what biscuit she needs to have because she doesn’t like many. She has also made disparaging remarks about a member of the groups work, which the teacher did pull her up on.

She sounds a total nightmare. Overbearing. Selfish. Precious. Imperious. Unkind. Splitting the class into camps.
I bet some of the others would like to see her leave.
Ask the teacher if she holds another class you could attend or one she can recommend. You don’t need to give a reason. When CF’s left - she’ll tire of public transport - return to this hobby group.

If, at the end of the day, all else fails, then the OP could always fall back on the old standard, which I don't think anyone has mentioned so far.

OP - "No, I'm not going to give Jackie a lift."

Others - "But why? She's disabled, it's not out of your way, reasons, reasons, reasons."

OP - "Because I don't want to."

There really is no answer to that.

Their only understanding is that they don’t want to be without a car ! Not because they really know what it is like not be have one.

And? If you are a non-driver and have to plan your life to the nth degree around bus timetables, you cannot then moan about choosing to attend an art class which involves a complex journey. This art class is not compulsory, and you have chosen to attend while fully understanding the implications of the journey.

Have to admit I was in two minds about this at first - feeling that sometimes we have to grit our teeth and help our neighbours even if we don't like them that much, if we care about concepts like community etc.

Until I read OP's latest post, in which the lift-ee turns out to be an absolute PITA. As people who expect favours tend to be. Dominating the group, changing the vibe, constantly complaining, undermining others. OP had rather kindly held back from saying that!

So no,@DanceUnderStars, I'd give this person a wide berth / grey rock. Let others jump in if they want to get sucked into her network of helpers (I'm sure she has a few). And I hope she leaves the group soon, before the dynamic changes and it's not the fun it used to be.

They may well do that; but this woman will have a 'reminder' every single week that she has to get (and pay for) the bus when she would much prefer to get a free door-to-door ride in a car.

She might resign herself to accepting it; but I wouldn't be at all surprised if - as PP said - she starts making a big deal about it; especially if she's a loud, domineering sort:

"I may well be late in next week, as the only bus I can get doesn't always turn up."

"I'm going to have to get going now - sorry to abandon you before I've been able to finish properly, but I'm so restricted by the bus times and I really can't risk missing it."

"Ooh, I've been having a lot more pain than normal recently, what with my disability. Buses are so jerky and throw you around all the time - and that's if you can get a seat in the first place."

"Goodness, the nights are really drawing in early now, aren't they? I'm always frightened having to walk to the bus stop in the dark, as you never know who might be around and up to no good."

Don't let the CF drive you out. If she's so unpleasant why is the rest of the group pandering to her?

If I were your daughter I'd tell her to stop hassling my mother!