People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Wow, I can't believe the audacity of the other group members putting pressure on you to offer the woman a lift. Do none of them have children of their own and understand how precious some 1-2-1 time with your daughter can be? It's the perfect opportunity for you to catch up and chat, about good things and bad and no one can't storm off mid-chat!

It sounds like you have already but I would explain one more time to the woman who wants the lift that that car journey is your dedicated 1-2-1 time with your daughter each week, that it means a lot to both of you to have that dedicated time and that you are not willing to sacrifice it.

Honestly can't believe people not getting this! I'm infuriated on your behalf OP.

If you don’t drive then you really need to make sure you live somewhere with good public transport.

Absolutely.

While bus routes change and prices go up where we lived has needed to be walkable shops and cash machine - near school and GP and pharmacist since had kids and now also walkable to vets if possible. Walkable into center and multiple bus routes from center and center have a train station bug enough with multiple routes. Hoepfully also taxi servcies as well. All because we don't drive and need these things close by to make life more managable.

I would never live in a rural location with only one bus route as that's how I grew up.

We've both had job changes which have been an arse to get to but still managed or changed jobs - and since being an adult we've always managed the above even once buying houses - though it's left us more limited options with other requirements.

This woman clearly found she could do this course because there was public transport that took her there. Yes public transport may not be as convient as a car but the woman can get to and from the classes under her own stream.

Not really actually 😂 I am mid 30s and I drive my own car. I have friends who don’t drive, and I occasionally pick them up or drop them off to places. I attend groups too, and I’ve dropped off people before. 👌

Probably best to grey rock, change the subject, evade the issue etc until she gives up and starts giving someone else a hard time.

People live in a range of places for a range of reasons. Work, ( not insignificant) family, where they know and grew up. Housing available to them at the price they can afford. And yes, transport.
People who live and work for example, on the coast cannot suddenly transport themselves to a city centre. Ditto for many parts of the UK.

Ooohhh this is so annoying.....I had something similar with a work colleague who everyone at work expected and made comments that j should be taking the work colleague to work and back evey day as she lived en route to my job. She did offer to pay fuel but that wasnt the point...it was the fact this was literally my only alone time during the day where I could listen to radio/think etc.... and j hated the pressure of leaving earlier to pick her up etc....it all stopped when my car then broke down and I had to use public transport for a month while my colleague was getting a lift to work with the other colleague who was the OG commenter when i was initially reluctant to take her...but OG couldn't take me as I was 'too far' out of her way. The lifts lasted about maybe x1 week and my other colleague all of a sudden had 'errands ' to do so couldn't take her anymore.
When car got fixed I never mentioned it and just started to turn up at work.
Colleague gets bus now and noone mentions anything anymore.

Don’t be pushed out by this!

How often does it come up? Every week?
Keep your head down and ignore them until they stop. Talk to the people who are there to paint and be nice ignore the others .

Why do you assume that the woman has to be “encouraged” to ask for a lift? Being disabled != being helpless or unable to be demanding and this from the OP suggests she is entirely capable of speaking for herself:

The reason we don’t like this woman is because she is very loud, dominates the group and the teachers time and makes everything about her, from the class itself down to what biscuit she needs to have because she doesn’t like many. She has also made disparaging remarks about a member of the groups work, which the teacher did pull her up on

Most drivers have been non drivers using public transport. Many drivers do not have cars, especially if they prefer or choose public transport. The notion that most drivers have never experienced public transport is for the birds.

Yes but people who don’t drive should probably put transport to the top of their list or stop complaining they can’t get to places.

I could be wrong. I think it was the involvement of others in saying how they think the OP should be giving her a lift.
It was something to consider. Not an assumption.

You're not going to change their minds. So you have three options. Bow to peer pressure and give lifts. Ignore the comments. Find another group. Doesn't matter how much in the right you may be, the problem here is that your choices are out of step with this groups views. And when that's the case, it's only ever those three options.

Who has complained they cannot get to places ?
The OP has been asked if she can give the lady a lift. As presumably it would be nice for her to have one. And the OP has said no.
The lack of the lift is what the lady and others appear to be complaining about. Not that she cannot get to places.

She might also discover that she's 'forgotten' to bring her purse once she's at the checkout with her bulging trolley of 'a couple of basic essentials' and ask OP if she could 'just' add it to her bill and she'll pay her back as soon 'as she has an opportunity' !

It’s very bad manners to keep asking when someone has said no.

Blimey this is getting blown out of proportion now. You don’t even know this lady!

At least we have seat belt laws now. There was a time when a CF in this situation would have merrily insisted that the child (who may well not even be a child any longer) could 'just hop in the boot'!

This, without the sorry.

No, I don't - which is why I said 'might'.

I don't know her personally, but I know the 'type' and the kind of tricks that a lot of people who match the descriptions of this woman get up to when they see themselves as the main character and everybody else is only there to make their lives nicer and more convenient.

This is not about a commercial transaction. Everyone has different value and brings different things to the table.
Research has evidence re small acts of kindness being more beneficial to the helper anyway than the ‘taker’ - you can look up ‘helper’s high’.

*If you don’t drive then you really need to make sure you live somewhere with good public transport(

Totally agree.

But it seems that there is a bus service for this lady, so she can use it.

I wouldn't mind giving someone a lift on the odd occasion but I'd hate it to become an expectation and in this case it clearly would be.

I'm a member of a club with two non drivers (for medical reasons). One just says "I need a lift" without a please or thank you. The other will say "is anyone going in my vague direction and would you mind giving me a lift, happy to walk to a meeting point". Guess which one gets all the lifts!

But it’s one and the same. The lack of lift = it’s much harder for her to get on the bus for 40 minutes. Either way, the solution is - OP give her a lift because it would be nicer for the lady.

The less-nice experience of a non-driver getting public transport is not a reason for anyone else to be pressured to give them a lift. Nobody should be complaining about it. Asking was rude enough; take the no graciously, it doesn’t need explanation or justification.

What does this lady who has been complaining about OP not giving her a lift, bring to the table?

You said upthread that you don’t think drivers understand what it is to be a non driver. I disagree with you and am saying that rather than expect lifts non drivers should live near good transport links.
Most drivers have had to go some time without a car. In my 20s, I carried a step ladder home which was 4 miles!

I sympathise with you OP and your daughter, in the circumstances you are right based on the description of the woman. I have come across this behaviour a number of times.

Its the old story other people poking their noses into things that do not concern them. The loudmouthed "spokesperson" who has maybe been in the group for sometime and the other sheep act like lions and try to pounce on you.

It does not matter whether its at work, hobby, sport these people types are always present.

I would another interest.

Non-drivers don’t know what it’s like to be a driver