People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

I never suggested the points you make.

I don’t think they will understand tbh. What life is like to a non driver.
And trying to explain what that is like does not mean by suggestion I am advocating the OP gives the lady a lift.
If anything I suspect the lady may well have been encouraged to ask for a lift by someone in the group who knows full well the OP doesn’t like the lady. And is enjoying the show.
Most drivers go from being driven around by parents to owning their own car and driving themselves. With little experience of not. Bar some parts of the country where using public transport is possibly more common than driving.
Their only understanding is that they don’t want to be without a car ! Not because they really know what it is like not be have one.

You don't need to explain anything and I honestly wouldn't start tying yourself in knots trying to justify it.

'It doesn't work for us to give Sarah a lift. I'd rather not talk about it again thanks. If anyone is concerned, feel free to give Sarah a lift yourselves'.

And I certainly wouldn't leave the group.

Nor am I, albeit my approach would be a bit different. I don't 'JADE' (justify, argue, defend, explain) myself to judgemental twats either. They don't require my explanations.

I think I'd content myself by saying I'm surprised that Jackie has joined the group and immediately seen fit to gossip about me to other members, and even more surprised that they are entertaining it.

Another example of the much-loved CF. They are ten-a-penny and have always been around, but IME at least, they're getting increasingly common.

I think you should speak to the teacher and let them know that you are beginning to feel bullied because you don’t want to be locked into giving lifts to this woman. I want to know who told her that you live near her. If someone else has thrown you under the bus, then I think you need to have stern words with them too. If this woman brings it up, you could ask her if she joined with the expectation that someone would be guilted into committing to provide her with transport or did she make plans to rely on public transport for the duration of the course? I would then follow up by saying that the way this woman has begun gossiping about you with class mates when she didn’t get her way is both entitled and vindictive.

Say 'No, I don't like Janice,' and see how they like them apples.

This. I'd be interested to know what the disability is, as those on this thread who are preaching at OP to #bekind may be assuming a wheelchair or something equally significant, when from the sounds of it this lady sounds perfectly capable of transporting herself to this hobby. (I speak as someone with a minor disability myself, one that thankfully doesn't normally affect what transport I can/can't use.) Disabled doesn't always mean incapacitated or in need of special treatment.

Amazing how quick some people are to virtue signal about how they think other people should use their time and energy to help others. I can't help wondering if they'd put their money where their mouths are, especially for someone they didn't get on with.

They dont like her in the first instance and I doubt gossiping has helped, the end.

It may not be the woman herself.

I had a situation at temp job where I was perfectly happy on public transport despite being pg - prefered it TBH gave me time to metally rest. Others in workplace set up lifts with another collegue - and I got put in a position where it was impossible to declne gracefully - and I really did try. The other person didn't mind to start- and I did pay - then as I expected got slowly resentful and messed me around.

It would have been so much better if everyone had butted out from the start or allowed me to actually decline rather than have to do a slow peter out socially akward thing.

I also had neigbour who used to aplogise for not offering a lift I didn't ask for when was at previous lcoation and supermarket - was perfectly fine with pushchair and shopping was my normal routine TBH and kept me fit and really wan't that far - we got most of big shop with on-line delivery - it was small top up shop and trip out of house for me and kids.

I do feel sometime people feel need to rush to and save none drivers when they are perfectly fine.

Then theirs people who volunteer other time and energy with out consulting and get nasty when the answer is no - suspect it's them in the group causing all the issues.

IL are none drivers who do gadge lifts and hint but then people doing lift have often had a lot of help from IL - DIY and babysitting worth probably hell of a lot more than occaional lift.

Only a few places - three - we've found can't get to with public transport or taxis - both cases scoutes and guides and both cases leaders said to talk to them if issue with transport - we did and got told to ask other parents - which was embrasing and they perfectly understanably said no - so our kids didn't go and we and they understood that.

My driving DMum who has a car getting is getting lifts off family all the time now - she lost confidence but won't even try the perfectly fine bus route or order a taxi or uber herself.

As non driver I've had to learn to be firm and not allow others to interfer with plans - but same it's prefectly fine for you to decline OP - it doesn't work for you and that's fine.

When my children were older, I always enjoyed the chats in the car. They were special. No it would not work out at another time.
This woman is incredibly rude. OP should not have to do it.

@Monty36 your post massively over-generalises both drivers and non-drivers.

Perfect

Well if the OP and her daughter leave then she will have to make her way back and forth. She knew she had this disability when she signed up for the hobby. I have a disability but I would make my own way and not guilt trip anyone to give me a lift. Awful woman.

Speak to the teacher?! It’s not primary school! What’s the teacher going to do? Call her parents? 😆

Well my husband and I both drive but don’t like it.
We often prefer to go by public transport. If you don’t drive then you really need to make sure you live somewhere with good public transport.
I have been stung by someone requesting once. I made sure I wasn’t stung again. As I hardly knew the person, I was quite rude to them. I pointed out how much longer it would take me every week.

"We have previously got on well with the ones who seem to have teamed up with this woman. There have never been any issues in the group until now. I think they’re just trying to appear helpful but aren’t thinking how it is for us."

ah, so the women who are 'Team Debbie' are doing that because if they don't, they'll not be included in the drama of it all and also might get picked on by Debbie to do lifts in the future. Typical mentality of a group of people who side with the bully so they don't get bullied themselves...

You are not doing anything wrong.

Don't fuel the issue, it will die down. "sorry we can't" is more than enough.
The more you apologise or try to explain, the worst it is.

If you REALLY are put on the spot, just say "but we're not going home, we are going to xyz (other town) to see relative". in your most innocent voice.

I had this with a friend when we both started the same job. I’d go miles out of my way to pick her up every morning (she did give some petrol money but it was such a hassle) Then in the school holidays she’d expect me to take her kids to their grandparents on the way to work, again out of my way, I had remove my own car seats every morning just so her older kids had somewhere to sit. The last straw came was when her husband had annual leave and refused to take her to work just because he wanted a lie in and because he told his wife that your mate can do it, like she always does, even though I had to leave 40 minutes earlier each morning to get across town.

I had a change of circumstances and changed my shifts then, she got the hump and said thanks to me she was now going to have to resign as there’s no way she could get in (there was an early morning bus that took her from her estate to the industrial park but she refused to get it because it was out of her comfort zone)

Absolute a CF, she left in the end.

Well, generally public transport as you will know can change. You can live somewhere where you can have a fairly good service only for that to change. But not for the better.
Some routes do actually improve.
But unlike a car that you own and drive, public transport is subject to the operators that provide it. Out of your control.

If other people are talking about it then I imagine it’s because one of them suggested it in the first place. They probably felt sorry for the disabled lady getting the bus and said something along the lines of, ‘Oh, DanceUnderStars goes your way, why don’t you ask whether she can give you a lift’.

I highly doubt that she thought to ask you herself and then just randomly went and bitched to the rest of the class when you said no!

Don’t give reasons - it is simply not convenient for you. If reasons are demanded give them a hard stare - its none of their business. If you decide you don’t mind giving a lift once a month then do so. I lean toward giving lifts but I’m also quite comfortable saying “it doesn’t work this week” or “it doesn’t work any more”.

Bearing in mind your other comments I’d ask the teacher if she runs any other classes and if asked I’d tell her why I’m looking at alternatives. She is likely aware of what is happening but may not be aware of the impact its having on the class.

People who are so generously offering you as a taxi service would be told they are very welcome to provide the taxi themselves.

Being disabled and being an arsehole are not exclusive conditions.

I was going to say I would probably agree to bring her home (as a 40 min journey at night is less pleasant) but not there. But having read what she's like in the class I wouldn't feel I wanted to put myself out at all!

@Monty36 try a city. You will probably always get decent public transport from there.
We can get into London very easily by public transport so from there you can get all over the country.

I agree re too many cars. But what is needed is reciprocal arrangements.

What's more usual is that one person has a car and one person doesn't so one person bears all the costs, the other gets an effortless free ride with a door to door service, a taxi with no meter if you will. Noone likes a freeloader.

There's no suggestion from the OP that the lift wanter has offered anything in return but rather gone straight to complaining and shaming, behaviour which should absolutely NOT be rewarded.

A fellow piss taker I see 🤔🙄