Page 23 | People expecting lifts

DanceUnderStars · 2026-07-06T17:17:22+00:00

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving. A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group. She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do. We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward. How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Original poster

DanceUnderStars · 08/07/2026 07:39

The class was ok. The woman didn’t turn up and had text one of her ‘friends’ in the group to let her know that she couldn’t manage the journey in this heat detailing how the heat affects her. The friend announced the woman’s absence to the whole group, reading out her text and made a fuss of it being such a shame. Another woman asked if we would now reconsider giving her a lift in future. It all felt very awkward and a bit staged to put us deliberately on the spot. When people don’t attend, they usually text or email the teacher to let her know and it’s definitely not announced to the group like this. The woman hadn’t even told the teacher she wasn’t coming, which the teacher does ask us to.

I said we can’t help and that as we have been over this already, I didn't want to talk about it again. My daughter said that this woman had managed to attend in the last heatwave and seemed ok. The friend tutted and shook her head so I made the suggestion of her and anyone else who felt the woman should be helped, making a rota between them to help her themselves.

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route. Another woman who I’m the most friendly with said that as there are a few of them who are concerned about her, they'll only have to do it every few weeks if they take turns. My daughter said that sounded like a good plan for those eager to help. They said they’d have to see. The class started but when we broke for a drink, there were 2 very obvious groups so it felt awkward.

One of the women that stayed quiet text me after the class saying she bets they had it planned that she wouldn’t turn up and that the other woman would make the big announcement and try to guilt us into it, which is exactly our thoughts.

We are going to continue going to the group and if it’s mentioned again, either ignore or ask about the rota.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2026 07:40

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 07/07/2026 12:10

Non-drivers don’t know what it’s like to be a driver

Show quote history

Every non-driver I've ever given a lift to doesn't understand that... 'It's just a quick detour' (at peak times) will add an extra hour plus I didn't want to spend travelling.... Just to facilitate their non driving status...

I'm much more sympathetic if person can't drive for medical reasons.

AnyDayNowChuckJacksonNSoul · 08/07/2026 07:48

DanceUnderStars · 08/07/2026 07:39

The class was ok. The woman didn’t turn up and had text one of her ‘friends’ in the group to let her know that she couldn’t manage the journey in this heat detailing how the heat affects her. The friend announced the woman’s absence to the whole group, reading out her text and made a fuss of it being such a shame. Another woman asked if we would now reconsider giving her a lift in future. It all felt very awkward and a bit staged to put us deliberately on the spot. When people don’t attend, they usually text or email the teacher to let her know and it’s definitely not announced to the group like this. The woman hadn’t even told the teacher she wasn’t coming, which the teacher does ask us to.

I said we can’t help and that as we have been over this already, I didn't want to talk about it again. My daughter said that this woman had managed to attend in the last heatwave and seemed ok. The friend tutted and shook her head so I made the suggestion of her and anyone else who felt the woman should be helped, making a rota between them to help her themselves.

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route. Another woman who I’m the most friendly with said that as there are a few of them who are concerned about her, they'll only have to do it every few weeks if they take turns. My daughter said that sounded like a good plan for those eager to help. They said they’d have to see. The class started but when we broke for a drink, there were 2 very obvious groups so it felt awkward.

One of the women that stayed quiet text me after the class saying she bets they had it planned that she wouldn’t turn up and that the other woman would make the big announcement and try to guilt us into it, which is exactly our thoughts.

We are going to continue going to the group and if it’s mentioned again, either ignore or ask about the rota.

Hope you can have fun with the rota..aye see how long that lasts.
As before she ain't your problem.
I don't drive and know it's bus or taxi for us.

bIossoms · 08/07/2026 07:51

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route.

Which is exactly what we all predicted they'd say 🤣 good grief, these people are so predictable it's hilarious. Won't lift a finger to help themselves but are lecturing you about being "kind".

Next time they say it's not on their route I would politely suggest they chip in for a taxi for her during the heat if they are so concerned about her welfare and see what their excuse is then.

Its the same for the posters on this thread being unkind to you, OP- expressing such faux concern about some random stranger and yet when it was suggested to them they could always send this woman her taxi fare if it bothered them so very much: tumbleweed......

eminthebigsmoke · 08/07/2026 08:00

Well done OP, it must have been hard to stand your ground.

I think it’s grim that the other people have repeatedly confronted you about it like this. And I don’t understand why they (and some posters) can’t see that there are different types of inconvenience. Her presence would disrupt your social schedule of time with your daughter, which is important to you. Her presence would necessitate extra effort beyond what the already put into attending the class for them. Why do they believe inconvenience should be acceptable to you when it isn’t to them?

I can’t help wondering what the class leader makes of all this. I think if it was me I would have stepped in by now, and maybe they will after last night, to ask that the matter isn’t discussed at the class anymore.

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:08

Well done OP, glad some in the group are supportive of you.

RightnowNo · 08/07/2026 08:12

bIossoms · 08/07/2026 07:51

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route.

Which is exactly what we all predicted they'd say 🤣 good grief, these people are so predictable it's hilarious. Won't lift a finger to help themselves but are lecturing you about being "kind".

Next time they say it's not on their route I would politely suggest they chip in for a taxi for her during the heat if they are so concerned about her welfare and see what their excuse is then.

Its the same for the posters on this thread being unkind to you, OP- expressing such faux concern about some random stranger and yet when it was suggested to them they could always send this woman her taxi fare if it bothered them so very much: tumbleweed......

It actually has a name
Communal narcissism

They actually dont give a hoot about the woman, just making themselves look good and "nice"

kongfumouse · 08/07/2026 08:13

So predictable 😂

What silly little handmaidens some of the women in your group are.

I love the rota idea. They must have been squirming when it was put to them.

The woman who is trying to coerce you to give her a lift must have a personality disorder, right? It's not normal to be that controlling and entitled as well as deluded to think she can get away with trying to coerce you. FFS.

ArtforEveryone · 08/07/2026 08:16

I hope the situation calms down for you, OP, and that these people stop suggesting you should give the woman a lift. Their continued bullying of you over it is completely unacceptable. Beyond annoying. Unfortunately I think the CF has soured the whole thing for you and your daughter now. Well done you if you can continue to go to the class and ignore it all. I know I would find it very hard to get past this and really would not want to spend any of my free time in this woman’s company, even in a class setting.

QueenCamillaMW · 08/07/2026 08:17

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2026 07:40

Every non-driver I've ever given a lift to doesn't understand that... 'It's just a quick detour' (at peak times) will add an extra hour plus I didn't want to spend travelling.... Just to facilitate their non driving status...

I'm much more sympathetic if person can't drive for medical reasons.

Show quote history

Agree.

I've had a non driver ask me to take all her glass recycling to the recycling centre as it would be so easy. Granted it's easier with a car but involved

Driving to her house and finding parking nearby

Loading alll the bags of bottles into the boot. She graciously helped with this part.

Driving to the recycling centre and waiting in a queue for my turn.

Unloading it all.

Or keeping it all clanking around in my car until I needed to go there myself.

Hardly zero effort.

I did it for her once only.

Silverbirchleaf · 08/07/2026 08:20

Part of me admires these people who, although new to the group, makes themselves to be the centre of attention. How do they do that?

However, well played! The public text reading played straight into your hands, and was the perfect opportunity to suggest a rota, and as predicted, people immediately backed off and made excuses. Well done you and dd!

(and thank you for coming back and updating)

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:24

@QueenCamillaMW wow, she didn’t even come with you to haul the bags to the recycling box??

OneLimePombear · 08/07/2026 08:25

DanceUnderStars · 08/07/2026 07:39

The class was ok. The woman didn’t turn up and had text one of her ‘friends’ in the group to let her know that she couldn’t manage the journey in this heat detailing how the heat affects her. The friend announced the woman’s absence to the whole group, reading out her text and made a fuss of it being such a shame. Another woman asked if we would now reconsider giving her a lift in future. It all felt very awkward and a bit staged to put us deliberately on the spot. When people don’t attend, they usually text or email the teacher to let her know and it’s definitely not announced to the group like this. The woman hadn’t even told the teacher she wasn’t coming, which the teacher does ask us to.

I said we can’t help and that as we have been over this already, I didn't want to talk about it again. My daughter said that this woman had managed to attend in the last heatwave and seemed ok. The friend tutted and shook her head so I made the suggestion of her and anyone else who felt the woman should be helped, making a rota between them to help her themselves.

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route. Another woman who I’m the most friendly with said that as there are a few of them who are concerned about her, they'll only have to do it every few weeks if they take turns. My daughter said that sounded like a good plan for those eager to help. They said they’d have to see. The class started but when we broke for a drink, there were 2 very obvious groups so it felt awkward.

One of the women that stayed quiet text me after the class saying she bets they had it planned that she wouldn’t turn up and that the other woman would make the big announcement and try to guilt us into it, which is exactly our thoughts.

We are going to continue going to the group and if it’s mentioned again, either ignore or ask about the rota.

Good plan and well done to you both to sticking to your guns. Referring back to the rota as if it’s now an actual thing is good idea. Every time it comes up ‘you have your rota now so can all help’ they then make their excuses or look confused ‘oh you don’t have one, oh that’s shame’ etc and then ignore.

I think was terrible behaviour of the woman reading the text etc.

QueenCamillaMW · 08/07/2026 08:25

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:24

@QueenCamillaMW wow, she didn’t even come with you to haul the bags to the recycling box??

Nope.

Although I wasn't really in the mood to have her monologuing at me in the car for the whole process. 😆

Whyherewego · 08/07/2026 08:31

Thanks for the update ! And glad you got to suggest the rota which of course I recommend strongly next week when she does turn up, you mention again so she can now start pestering for the rota instead

Phineyj · 08/07/2026 08:32

Hi OP, if I were you, I'd tell the teacher that this situation is so annoying that you and your daughter are considering leaving the class (assuming you have an alternative). You are members of two years' standing and are essentially being harassed by a new member.

Most art classes are very marginal in terms of finance. The teacher may suddenly find she needs to do something about the bitching...

RightnowNo · 08/07/2026 08:34

Silverbirchleaf · 08/07/2026 08:20

Part of me admires these people who, although new to the group, makes themselves to be the centre of attention. How do they do that?

However, well played! The public text reading played straight into your hands, and was the perfect opportunity to suggest a rota, and as predicted, people immediately backed off and made excuses. Well done you and dd!

(and thank you for coming back and updating)

Edited

They do it via playing the victim and manipulation with a dash of drama

Its Karpmans drama triangle in action

Victim -CF
Alleged Persecutor -Op
Rescuers -the be nice crew

Asking for a lift -ok
Refusing to take no for an answer and drawing in others to harangue Op = toxic

Ethelspagetti · 08/07/2026 08:34

DanceUnderStars · 08/07/2026 07:39

The class was ok. The woman didn’t turn up and had text one of her ‘friends’ in the group to let her know that she couldn’t manage the journey in this heat detailing how the heat affects her. The friend announced the woman’s absence to the whole group, reading out her text and made a fuss of it being such a shame. Another woman asked if we would now reconsider giving her a lift in future. It all felt very awkward and a bit staged to put us deliberately on the spot. When people don’t attend, they usually text or email the teacher to let her know and it’s definitely not announced to the group like this. The woman hadn’t even told the teacher she wasn’t coming, which the teacher does ask us to.

I said we can’t help and that as we have been over this already, I didn't want to talk about it again. My daughter said that this woman had managed to attend in the last heatwave and seemed ok. The friend tutted and shook her head so I made the suggestion of her and anyone else who felt the woman should be helped, making a rota between them to help her themselves.

Straight away the two most outspoken about us helping in previous weeks made their excuses about it not being on their route. Another woman who I’m the most friendly with said that as there are a few of them who are concerned about her, they'll only have to do it every few weeks if they take turns. My daughter said that sounded like a good plan for those eager to help. They said they’d have to see. The class started but when we broke for a drink, there were 2 very obvious groups so it felt awkward.

One of the women that stayed quiet text me after the class saying she bets they had it planned that she wouldn’t turn up and that the other woman would make the big announcement and try to guilt us into it, which is exactly our thoughts.

We are going to continue going to the group and if it’s mentioned again, either ignore or ask about the rota.

Well done to you and your daughter being firm but polite. That was obviously staged by the woman, the way it was performed to the group. She was trying to shame you j to agreeing. I’m glad you mentioned a rota! They don’t want to do it so they’ve sat elsewhere and squirmed 😂.

kongfumouse · 08/07/2026 08:45

You can always see the true nature of people by their reaction when you politely decline their request to aid them in some shape or form.

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:45

Even if you and DD did get your arms twisted (which you didn’t, yay!) I really don’t know why CF would want to sit in a car with you for 80 mins each week when you both were resenting every minute.

Eddielizzard · 08/07/2026 08:45

All of this just re-iterates why you shouldn't cave. This time with your DD is so precious, and you're right to protect it. Otherwise every week would be spent pandering to an extremely unpleasant person who thinks nothing of riling up others into bullying you to do what she wants. Awful behaviour.

I do think using the word 'bullying' might jolt them into thinking about how they're behaving. No surprises that they suddenly aren't available to actually help themselves...

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:47

Agree with @Eddielizzard, name it - “I have said no, repeatedly. I do not consent to giving her a lift. You seem unable to take no for an answer and continue to push me. That is bullying.”

Snazzysausage · 08/07/2026 08:54

I take my hat off to you for handling that so well,I suspect better than I would have done given the tutting and muttering going on.
As predicted it's always the most vocal about these things who "unfortunately just can't help"
My advice to those that aren't going to step up themselves?
Button it.

godmum56 · 08/07/2026 09:01

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2026 08:45

Even if you and DD did get your arms twisted (which you didn’t, yay!) I really don’t know why CF would want to sit in a car with you for 80 mins each week when you both were resenting every minute.

Control, its a control thing. Years ago new neighbours moved into a house very near me and they chose me as the "victim" They were charming to my NDN's either side...chat, help with gardening, taking in mail during their holidays, all the nice neighbour stuff. They never actually said a word to me and made spurious noise complaints to the council about me. I suspect they thought because I live alone and don't have family, I was any easy target which I wasn't. Very quickly after I closed them down, they fell out with the other neighbours and moved away. I bet the next neighbours got a story of how hurtful their previous neighbours were...and after they had made such efforts to fit in.....
In this case the CF had an "in" because of the transport issue but I bet if that hadn't been the case, there would have been a different issue with a different class member.

HGHGHG · 08/07/2026 09:12

Well she cut off her nose didn't she, by missing the class - and her flying monkeys didn't get the better of you!

Good point your daughter made too, that the woman coped with getting the bus last time in the heat