People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You could offer lifts only sometimes, and still do your "popping" places by texting her beforehand and saying you're stopping off at x on the way home, does she want a lift given that or would she rather make her own way this time? You could steer a middle way.

But if you don't want to, my advice remains don't engage with the conversations and let the subject drop. If you end up leaving the group anyway you'd lose this special mother & daughter time anyway, as well as the hobby.

It's not really anyone else's business, but there is probably someone in the hobby group who is already giving up their time organising it, sorting the keys & payment, buying the teabags. My dad used to run a cricket team and he got frustrated that he'd spend hours every week sorting kit, planning training, dealing with endless emails on top of running the training itself for free, and some parents would not lift a finger to help because they paid £70 a year in subs. They were within their rights to say no, but can you see he might be a bit frustrated if they refused to take other players to away matches purely so that they could have special 1:1 time with their child? It does depend on the exact nature of this hobby group. Some are more commercial, others run more on goodwill. But, just saying no to a CF who expects or demands lifts, rather than asking politely once and taking no for an answer, is definitely a useful life skill too.

Neither of these things are relevant though?

Unless you are offering to reciprocate lift sharing you wouldn't even ask, it's so cheeky on her part!! If she had said we're all going do you fancy taking it in turns it's fine to ask, but like you say you are tied to going straight there and back and you aren't 2 friends you are mother daughter so it isn't like she'd be joining 2 people from the hobby lift sharing, you actually live together. I think she is really rude and to keep on about it like you are going to turn around and say yes. Her disability has nothing to do with you, she signed up knowing she had to get herself there on public transport so was prepared to take the bus, it isn't your problem to solve if she's decided it's more hassle than she thought. If other people feel so strongly about it they could offer her a lift.

I'd just look for another group, no hobby is worth putting up with people like that.

Of course drivers understand, its why they went to the time and expense of learning to drive, buying a car, paying for petrol, insurance and maintenance in the first place

Its not their responsibility to think about people who cant drive though.
Agree with others , its the whole guilt tripping, victimhood of it all.

Give her a lift home but go and do your big shop on the way. She can sit in the car outside Tesco for an hour. She won’t ask again!

Well what are you waiting for? Send OP a DM and give this CF a lift to and from her hobby! Go on then!

I can totally understand and especially your mum and daughter time together, those are the best in the car together. I would just be honest and say that and shut it down. It's so unfortunate that she has made it awkward already

I bet she would do a shop and expect the OP to help carry it into her house.

Agree! Gosh people really don’t look out for each other these days?
it’s so nice in a community to have each others backs especially those less fortunate

You don’t have to give anyone a lift. It’s not up to you to facilitate the hobby of a stranger. The bus is a perfectly valid mode of transport.

Try to rise above the gossipy nonsense for a few weeks. If anyone gives you grief, say “we can’t offer a lift, maybe you could do it though.” And move the conversation on.
Why you can’t offer it is no business of anybody x

Yikes - difficult one - I would feel uber guilty not giving a disabled woman a lift on way to a group. On the other hand I would see it as a chore especially as it’s a nice time to chat for you and your daughter.
I was in a situation where a guy expected me to go 15 minutes out of my way twice in an evening for an hours journey - never offered me petrol money/bottle of wine. Did it about 5x then in a queue for his coffee at the venue paid for his and didn’t pay for mine - I was next to him.
After that I was always ‘seeing a friend’ before and after so couldn’t give him a lift - he soon found another mug for our 4 year course.
ps I’m ashamed to say he also wheezed on every single breath and although sympathetic an hour and half of that every week put my nerves on edge…. but it was his tightness over the coffee that really did it for me. We were both in a well paid profession so no excuse. He could drive but didn’t want to buy a car grrrrr.

Nail on the head. There's a reason I've spent lots of time and money learning to drive, buying cars, looking after them, paying for their running costs, etc. It's because public transport around here is utter crap and I like personal freedom - that comes at a cost.

Thanks again.

Its an art class.

The reason we don’t like this woman is because she is very loud, dominates the group and the teachers time and makes everything about her, from the class itself down to what biscuit she needs to have because she doesn’t like many. She has also made disparaging remarks about a member of the groups work, which the teacher did pull her up on. Shes just very irritating.

We have been doing the class for 2 years and I believe we are liked. We don’t really do anything to be disliked for, we turn up on time, make polite conversation, do the class, take on board advice, take our turn of bringing drinks and snacks for everyone etc.

Many of the group haven’t got involved in this situation, some have given us a supportive glance when it’s been discussed, a couple that I know well have text their support. We have previously got on well with the ones who seem to have teamed up with this woman. There have never been any issues in the group until now. I think they’re just trying to appear helpful but aren’t thinking how it is for us.

We will be firm tonight.

I totally get you OP. I hate giving lifts (even to people that I like) because I like the time before and after the activity to mentally prepare/decompress, chat privately with family and just to have that choice and freedom to stop off somewhere on the way there or back if I want to. Making small talk for 40 minutes would be excruciating for me and I would absolutely resent this woman if I had to take her to and from a hobby after all the pressure from her and the others. The other women at the hobby need shutting down, how dare they put the pressure on like this. I would be inclined to say that as a result you and your daughter are possibly going to be leaving this hobby now and as a result little miss entitled will end up having to get the bus anyway!

Yikes - difficult one - I would feel uber guilty

I would feel she needs to get an Uber.

I’ll get my coat!

But seriously, well done for extricating yourself from that man.

We will be firm tonight.

Yesss! good for you and glad some in the group are supportive!

I would just reiterate again that you don’t want to and why and that they are being incredibly rude in continuing to badger you to do something you don’t feel able to do. Then I would finish with if you are that concerned the perhaps you can all set up a rota to pick xx up and take her home but I am not discussing the matter affair and expect you to respect our choice and stop going on about it

No doubt she’s the sort of person who puts up a seemingly reasonable argument as to why you should give her lifts, that gets people automatically agreeing either way her. One of those persuasive people who seem garner disciples.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to. If you weren’t at this art class, she’d have to find her own way there.

Im invested now OP. Hope you update later!

The thing is, the other people in the group want to feel good about themselves. “Arranging for the OP to give Janice a lift” is something that they will feel good about with no effort from themselves.

I think this is one of those times where it is more polite to be direct. Something along the lines of “The drive is the one time <daughter> and I have for one on one time. I don’t want to give Janice a lift for this reason. Having other people tell me I should is not okay. It’s getting to the point where it makes coming here uncomfortable - I’ve enjoyed it for the last couple of years so that is a pity”.

If you are not naturally assertive, pretend to be an English speaking German person - be completely matter of fact and unemotional.

Oh god, OP, I'd hate that too.

I completely get that you and your daughter want that time to yourselves and it would change your pleasure in the hobby totally if you were forced to give this woman a lift every time.

I was in a choir once where I ended up in a lift share and it was tedious. We had to drive around collecting 3 other people, all of whom were not particularly likeable!! Then, as we dropped them off (all retirees when I had a f/t job in those days) each would natter on for 10 mins before exiting the car...well, they didn't have to get up at 6 am the next day, did they?

I used to get home over an hour after the end of the session, which was 10, and didn't get to sleep until midnight on those days.

Changed choir, had the car to myself and love it. And get home on time! If someone wants an occasional lift - no problem, but I don't want to get into a routine.

You are right I think in wondering if someone in the group has suggested the lady asked for a lift. And then has got involved in finger pointing because the OP has declined. That or enjoying the fallout knowing the OP does not like the lady concerned.

As a non driving disabled person I loathed asking for lifts when I was young. And then only if other people were getting a lift. I never do now. Ever.

@Horses7

I was in a situation where a guy expected me to go 15 minutes out of my way twice in an evening for an hours journey - never offered me petrol money/bottle of wine. Did it about 5x then in a queue for his coffee at the venue paid for his and didn’t pay for mine - I was next to him.

I had a boyfriend like that. I drove and had a car. He couldn't be arsed to learn - no disabilities, no lack of money (he had a good job) etc., he just couldn't be bothered. Didn't bother me at first but as the weeks passed, I got more and more fed up with him always expecting me to pick him up and drop him off for evenings/days out even though there was a good bus route and bus stop right outside his house! He never once offered to pay for fuel, even on relatively long day trips. Always making suggestions for even longer journeys. He'd happily sit in the car whilst I was washing it - never offered to help! I could never drink alcohol on evenings out as I was the one driving and he refused to even walk to the local pub for a couple of drinks in the evening to give me the chance to drink! If he came round to mine for the evening, I'd have to get dressed to go out to take him home at the end of the evening (I'm not going out in "slouchy" indoor wear). What really nailed it was him expecting me to go out of my way by a few miles to pick him up and give him lifts to/from work, even on days we weren't actually going out together. The sense of entitlement was off the scales. He got well and truly dumped! I think he liked the idea of me being more his personal chauffeur rather than a potential life partner!

Next boyfriend (now DH - we've been together 40 years!) had his own car and things were a lot more even. We'd take turns driving for evenings/days out, on long trips, we'd either agree to reciprocate a similar journey or for really long trips, one of us would give a contribution for petrol money. Much better to take turns on evenings out so we could take turns as to who could drink.

I have a 2 seater car which I would be using.

In my experience they don't understand. I remember someone pestering me about going somewhere and I explained that I couldn't get there as it was in the arse end of nowhere and quite frankly I couldn't be arsed with travelling for 5 hours on the train and then get the bus. No amount of pointing this out made any difference. He offered no help to get me there but wanted to be my personal assistant because he could get something out of it