People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Why ? She signed up for the group knowing she would have to use public transport. Why on earth should anyone else be pressured into giving her a lift if they don’t want to ?

She'll just say "No problem, I'll open a window and bring my powerful fan that plugs into the cigarette lighter with me!"

I understand what you mean... BUT... The op identified that the journey was good for f2f catch up....

She shouldn't have to find 'another time' to catch up with her daughter to facilitate someone (she doesn't like) travel plans!

Why don't you like her?

and that's the problem with CFers...they have a solution for any excuse you give!! (so it's always best to just say no, that doesn't work for me.)

Yes that’s what I think. They like feeling good about themselves without having to do anything. I have been in this situation the other way before I got a car and I’ve never thought people owed me a lift. I would certainly not complain about them not offering. It’s entirely up to them.

I like the suggesting they set up a rota idea.

Indeed. It's bonkers that you should be expected to re-work all of your own arrangements and conveniences to suit the preferences of a random person who doesn't even treat you kindly.

OP and her DD 'could' find another time just like this woman 'could' come on the bus... and considering that it's the latter who needs to find a solution, that's a perfect answer for her.

If it happens again, then just say "I am unable to give her a lift, perhaps one of you would like to?" and wait for the silence.

That woman who is bullying you and your daughter for lifts is a Lift Demon. They walk among us when they don't get lifts.

I can’t stand people who dump their shit where it’s not wanted. She’s not asked as a once off, she’s asked for something that will become a continuous obligation. Stick to your guns, OP. I’m sorry you have been put upon.

Why aren't you giving her a life?

because it would be out of my way

Well if Im not starting from home it will be out of my way, so i'll ask again why don't you give her a lift?

It isn’t necessarily a negative to refuse to offer help in this situation. Independence of mobility is of the utmost importance in the life of someone disabled. Wherever it’s possible, the number one priority is ensuring that you are mobile and self reliant in whatever way suits your needs, and there are various options and assistance available to disabled people, to help.

This woman doesn’t drive - fair enough, not everyone has the means or desire to. So she uses public transport because she is able to. That’s very clear from the fact that she has signed up for something that isn’t essential, and is a bus ride away. It’s her choice. Yes it’s nice to help out if you can, but it shouldn’t be an expectation, and OP shouldn’t be made to feel as though she is doing anything wrong in refusing because it doesn’t fit in with her plans - or any other reason for that matter.

It’s a massive ask. And the fact she’s been bitching about OP afterwards makes it even worse.

Massively entitled, CF. Her disability is irrelevant

Have you read the OP?

She doesn't like this woman! This woman has been gossiping behind her back about her non-compliance with lifts in the group, making it difficult.

Also, she uses this time for face-to-face time with her daughter.

This is what's wrong with the idea!

😀

The disabled woman was obviously fine with getting a bus in the first place, so she could participate in the hobby, so she can carry on doing just that!

Or they loudly start saying things like - I need to leave a bit early since I have to get THE BUS, as there isn’t another BUS for 30 minutes after the end. Preferably in the earshot of someone they know is driving vaguely their way

But the predicaments faced by those who don’t drive, isn’t the responsibility of those who do. This lady can clearly use public transport or she wouldn’t have signed up for a non essential activity a forty minute bus ride away. It’s not up to anyone else to make things easier for her, because she is responsible for her own mobility, in the same way as every other disabled person is responsible for theirs. And that responsibility doesn’t include manipulating others to get or keep you mobile.

Yes, this.

?

This happened to a lesser extent to me. A woman in our hobby group uses a mobility scooter. We all live in the same village and the meetings are walkable. The woman in the mobility scooter mentioned that one part of her journey is in the dark and she was worried about tipping over. Cue for another member to volunteer me to walk this woman home! It’s out of my way and quite what I would do if she did tip over is beyond me. I piped up with “happy for you to take X home as you feel she needs assistance, but I’m not”. She shut up, and didn’t walk X home!

Exactly, if you loathe the issue of lifts, just don’t ask for a lift, ever?

Works for everyone.

“But the predicaments faced by those who don’t drive, isn’t the responsibility of those who do. ”

… and that’s what public transport is for.

I agree, and I was brought up in a car- less family. You just walked, caught buses, trains etc and got on with life. There was no expectation that other people should accommodate you. Yes, it did mean that some avenues were closed, but that’s life.

you have took what I said out of context, it was a reply

I don't think you should be under pressure to give this woman a lift.
But I'm interested to know two things you've not said
a) what is her disability?
b) why do you not like her?