Help me write a Mumsnet Guide to Annoying Your Neighbours in a Heatwave

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I thought a one-stop shop guide might be useful! I'll start.

If you want to annoy your neighbours with maximum efficacy....

Prance in your garden in a bikini (note: simply wearing it will not do)

Be naked in your garden

Open all your windows, but not because of noise, because it's not the scientifically approved way to cool your house

Go on holiday thus meaning you cannot feed their cat when they are on holiday

Leave your tiny tiny thongs on a washing line

"Helpfully" take in their: laundry, bins, parcels

What have I missed?

Constantly text your neighbour insisting that their teen care for your pet all summer while you go on a trip up the Amazon. Be sure to only give a days notice. Offer to pay peanuts.
When they say sorry can't do it immediately encourage your friends to join Mumsnet, and post on your neighbour's thread saying how MEAN and UNKIND she is.

I just had to wipe away tears of laughter at this!😂

Or, if you are DH, train the children to sing "Burgerdog" from Bluey, or possibly "I'm a Gummy Bear", and then tell them it's a nice day for playing outside.

Warning: if you don't know what those things are, don't Google. It's akin to one of those extreme sex acts where you think "I have to know what that means, can't be that bad..." and then it is.

Ask you neighbour for designated times for each household to be in the garden to avoid all these irritations

People who have absolutely no concept of how loud they are.

Shut up, we don’t want to know about the colour of your bowels in full technicolour because you have to shout rather than talk quietly.

Put your rubbish out in sacks the night before in an area with lots of foxes. Then do the same again 24 hours later (bin collection delayed as operatives going slower in scorchio weather).

She did sweep it up both times but FFS woman - buy some dustbins! They're not expensive and you've got a Tesla. You can afford a dustbin!!

Drill holes into the side of their house and attach a trellis.

Their neighbour’s house that is, not their own house.

Have very, very loud, Oscar-worthy vocal and graphic sex with multiple orgasms with your bedroom windows wide open.

Don't be surprised if some of your neighbours give you a round of applause and shout "encore" once you've finished.

Really appreciate the day and night noise and behaviour from a group of Irish Travellers. Who have set up camp seven days ago in the car park with their 8 motorhomes in the local park next to the our flats..

They have a noisy generator running all day and night.
An eating area with tables and chairs which runs off a large calor gas cooker container . And a play area for their really noisy screaming children.

Then start carrying on getting drunk, swearing effing and blinding and revving up their expensive cars and motor bike engines about one in the morning

Apparently, they were moved on from setting up camp from a nearby green belt fields, about a mile away.Different local authority. And move to this car park. A neighbour said this is is one of their favourite tactics and tricks.

Can't get through to the police by phone to report them.
Have to go to through their website.

Really hope they are moved on really soon.. And we don't have to put up with them for the rest of the summer.

I have a new one for your list.

Little (and not so little) girls scream.

Young men have this sort of "aaaaagh" noise which is a "deep" screech. When they are drunk and assembling to watch the football. Which hasn't even started yet. I can't see them so I think they are in the house, rather than the garden, but with the windows open of course as it's still warm.

Ask your builders to start putting up scaffolding at 730 on a Saturday morning after a week of it being really difficult to sleep cos heatwave.

Get up at 4.30 am and shriek loudly into your mobile phone ( on speaker) to some also wide awake family member-
right next to my open bedroom window.
We are all sleep deprived due to the heat.
second morning she tried it I heard someone shout at her. TDR.

Just asked Alexa to play both songs, they're truly awful 😖

You were warned!

Don't worry, you'll forget them in time.

(Whispers: "I'm a gummy yummy yummy yummy gummy bear", or whatever the hell the bastard lyrics are)

Install one of those sex ponds that mumsnetters love.

🤣 I was indeed warned, but I chose not to listen

Let your teenager wear shorts with their bum cheeks hanging out the back

Knock on their door without prior warning... Let your children play in the garden before mid day.

Overuse your easement to cross your neighbour’s garden to your back door (and invite everyone else to visit your property via that route too). Never use your front door.

Throw a stink bomb into their garden, or even better, a nice piece of smelly fish or cheese to rot.

Ooh just remembered one - use your washing machine and/or dryer after 7pm. ‘Cos even though you live in a fully detached house with a good meter or so between your properties, it will annoy the old duffer enough that he will be compelled to write to you and threaten going to the council about the noise?!

Feed the local foxes so the little charmers keep coming back. Particularly nice when the foxes get to know the “nice” neighbours and hang round at night screeching.

Fire up a fire-pit, particularly popular if there’s washing out nearby or it’s been 30 degrees and everyone has their windows open.

That's a funny place to keep birthday cake.😂

Call out to your child every 90 seconds " I seeeeeee you"