Help me write a Mumsnet Guide to Annoying Your Neighbours in a Heatwave

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I thought a one-stop shop guide might be useful! I'll start.

If you want to annoy your neighbours with maximum efficacy....

Prance in your garden in a bikini (note: simply wearing it will not do)

Be naked in your garden

Open all your windows, but not because of noise, because it's not the scientifically approved way to cool your house

Go on holiday thus meaning you cannot feed their cat when they are on holiday

Leave your tiny tiny thongs on a washing line

"Helpfully" take in their: laundry, bins, parcels

What have I missed?

Especially if it has a weird name. As a child, my husband had a cat. He wanted to call it Mr Whippy, but his Dad said he wasn't shouting that across the garden at bed-time.

Wow, I don't blame you!!

Wind chimes, anyone?

Apparently inviting friends round for a bbq is frowned upon

We sometimes (affectionately) refer to one of our dogs as "the rat". The neighbour called pest control on us after hearing us discuss the rat while we were sitting in the garden.

I'm not sure exactly which part of the conversation triggered her to do this, but I would guess it was when the dog climbed onto my lap while I was on the sunbed and I joked, "Oh my god, look at the size of that rat. Oh no, it's climbing on me. Get it off."

It is DH birthday so currently my 3 children plus NDN's 6yo are in our paddling pool eating birthday cake in their pants.

100% our childfree neighbours have a dartboard with our faces on 🫣 luckily I put them to bed around 6.30pm

Well, at least they'd be quiet then. 😏

Plant bamboo near your fence and leave it a few years until it becomes an impenetrable jungle, then just fence off that bit of garden and never deal with the bamboo.
Also, cut back a hedge or tree in nesting season or mow the lawn in May.
All MN crimes.

See I bet your neighbours won’t have the dart board as most people buying a house with neighbours in close proximity expect some noise, especially kids playing in summer, it only seems to be here that posters get outraged at others. This week has actually been eye opening and not in a good way, what a way to live their lives

If you know there are birds nesting in the tree or hedge it’s an actual crime.

That thread got me into trouble with the MN police.

Mine is people leaving their dogs in the garden all night to bark (although that has nothing to do with the heatwave - they were doing that when it was cooler too).

Oh I've just seen the post about vaping.
Someone has been smoking weed near my garden.

And at parkrun this morning there was a definite whiff at some point. Although the park is near houses, where we were running isn't, so I don't know where the culprits were hiding.

Hang your smalls on the line (note you need plenty of lacy things. Crotchless is particularly good). After this have phone sex as close to the fence as possible with lots of moaning and yes big boy right there sort of thing.

On Mumsnet? Do absolutely anything. Including saying “good morning”. Just any sort of existence.

Dogs barking

Have children that play in the garden in the mornings!

Let your kid spend all their time looking over the neighbour's fence, throwing stones and interfering in their parenting

I did wonder if my friends neighbours would post about us after last night’s bbq. We were having a great time in the garden. Not obnoxiously loud but probably too loud for 1.30am 😬 I didn’t quite clock the time. She has 4 teens so I imagine they’re known as the loud house 🙈

So What from Metallica's Garage Inc would fit for the totally inappropriate music option.

Encourage your children to practice the recorder at 6 am each morning.

Buy a karaoke machine and use it in the garden each evening. Bonus points if you also have outdoor TV and hot tub.

Hide your neighbours bins in different streets.

Put bricks in your neighbours bins.

Put full dog poo bags in the neighbour’s bins. Bonus points if you can put it in a freshly emptied bin for them to find next time they go to take the rubbish out.

🤣

Shout at your Alexa in your kitchen so loudly that it sets off your neighbour’s downstairs and upstairs Alexas…..Oh and then don’t stop your kids in the garden screaming ‘Alexa’ at your kitchen every few minutes. And then proceed to play really shit house music on said Alexa all day.

let the kids play in the paddling pool.

Or for bonus points, rename the unruliest of your children Alexa.