Friend mocked my eating on holiday and I feel really hurt

[BlueOtter9]

Recently went on a holiday with a friend. Or so I thought. I have an active ED. Begins with a b to be specific. I hate typing it out as I have a very negative cycle attached to it. She didn’t know I have an ED as I used to also be a fitness coach and still do this so i am
really regimented, but here is the story.

We went for ice cream. I had a large ice cream. Essentially the size of a regular pot of Ben and jerrys. So we later went for a wine tasting with random strangers. She’d had a bit to drink but me not so much as it’s a trigger.

there was snacks on offer at the wine tasting such as cake and chocolate. The man next to me stuck his fork in. Licked it and took another bite. He then offered me and I jokingly said. No it’s too many calories no extras needed.

The supposed friend of mine then pipes up and said “it’s fine she wasn’t thinking of the calories earlier with the ice cream. Wait let me show you a picture”

Me being me said “that’s not going to be necessary don’t do that” she proceeds to say “no it is wait look at this ice cream lol!” I said “erm ok. I’m a runner I’ll run when I’m home.” To which she said “not been running here though”

So I sat quietly and said nothing. I phoned my mum to rant as she’s the only one who knows of my ed but it’s really upset me. More so I considered her a friend and I feel she wanted to make me the butt of a joke on purpose?

She said it in response to being offered food so it's pretty clear she's saying that she thinks it's too many calories.

You lot are reaching with these claims. I hope you all stretched first.

I really think this is your ED talking.
I've had friend's take the piss out of me ordering a gin + slimline with a bag of crisps, or my husband exclaim ' blimey Miss Piggy leave some for the rest of us' when I took an overly large portion and there's a hideous photo of me literally stuffing myself on a ridiculous sized ice-cream sundae on holiday that my sister took great delight in showing people. I laugh, tell them to piss off and don't give it another thought and there's definitely no malice involved on their part but this is because I don't have an ED.

Be kind to yourself and also to your friend who may well be mortified to know how upset you are and maybe considering confiding in her if she's a close enough pal.

How did your mum respond?

Yes, I'd even say it was "colloquial knowledge" that such a comment is judemental.

First op your supposed friend was being rude, eating disorder or not. Is she normally like this?

Second, it’s good to vent on here but really you need to address this with your friend.

And of course you can’t really do that without being honest. Now whether you choose to be honest with her or not is a separate issue, but generally, honesty will give you more peace of mind and some clarity on who your real friends are, good luck 💐

But it wasn't to the OP, it was to a random man. Is she the type who always has to impress the man in the room, OP?

Same

and you did mention the calories first op

I’m afraid you’re being over-sensitive. Your friend didn’t know about your ED (and you were the one who introduced the subject of calories) so you have no real reason to be hurt.

It was teasing, the sort of thing friends sometimes say. It wasn’t a very nice thing for her to do and I understand why it upset you, but imo you’re making too much of it. Why not tell your friend about your ED, so she won’t make similar teasing comments in the future?

The one beginning with B is a bitch of an illness
I'm 7 years free ,but it will always describe me
It's like a balance or a seesaw
You have to gain more from stopping,than continuing
So it took me 30 years of using it as an emotional crutch
Before I was able to recognise I will gain more from stopping than continuing
Meanwhile I got diagnosed with autism and ADHD ,which also explained a lot of my dependency on an unhealthy coping mechanism

This would have upset me in the days when I had the same ED, but tbf, if I had been with a friend who had mentioned how many calories were in the wine and snacks later, that would likely have been a trigger point too.

Yeah, i also remember it. Why do people do this, it's baffling. Just like the obviously cut and pasted from Reddit nonsense that gets posted.

I understand that - but it’s still hinting that it’s too many calories for anyone. If she’d have specified “no thanks, I already had a huge ice cream earlier so I’ll skip the cake this time but you enjoy” it would be better. But she made it seem like she was judging anybody for eating cake. Whether they’d care or not is dependent on the person but I do think OP initiated where this conversation led to.

Thank you, I thought I was having Deja vu

Verbal teasing is one thing - make a joke and move on to the next topic.
The friend showing a photo of the ice-cream goes a bit beyond that.

So it’s okay to tell someone what they are eating has too many calories but you can’t point someone’s comically large ice cream?

That's projecting on to OP's words. Meanwhile, her friend was very specific about judging her food. They're not the same just because they both mentioned calories.

Your friend was being pretty weird to insist on showing a random man a photo of your icecream. She was also being weird to not understand the concept of eating things you really like eg icecream and turning down things you don't fancy even though you could eat them. I would turn down icecream and eat the cake because of calories, ie only eat 1 high calorie food not two, and it would be the one I really like. I don't have an ED I'm just trying to be a sensible & healthyish eater.

That's not what happened though. She said it had too many calories for HER. Also, her friend didn't stop at mentioning the ice cream; she brought out pictures and called her out for not exercising.

was it one of those 500ml pots?

You mentioned about the calories in the cake to this third person. Your friend is stood there thinking 'why is she so worried about the calories in a slice of cake, when she had an ice-cream earlier, which probably had way more calories in it than the cake'. Can't you see the irony in your statement to this man? She then made a joke about you not caring about the calories in the ice-cream.

If you'd simply turned around when asked if you wanted cake, and said No thanks. I don't think your friend would have said anything. You brought calories and weight, into the conversation, not your friend, she was bemused by your answer considering the size of the ice-cream you had earlier. It obviously didn't make much sense to her.

Your friend has no idea you have an ED, so she didn't make the comment to be malicious. I appreciate you don't want to shout from the rooftops about your ED, but this person is someone who you must consider a friend, enough to go away with, so I'm surprised you haven't told her.

Oh god the answer to everything or any comment someone makes is not because they are jealous. Frustrated, irritated , doing it to get a dopamine hit probably but it’s not always jealousy.

After about being pissed off but I’d also have a little think/self reflect and think this is a me problem really , unless the friend is always making digs.

I really hope your friend's attitude didn't lead you to a b/p session. It's really difficult with ED and someone can just say one tiny thing and suddenly your feelings or wanting to restrict, binge etc become really strong.

I think people genuinely don't understand and usually they are not trying to be malicious. To them food doesn't carry the same heavy significance it does to people like us.

I really hope you didn't let it spoil your holiday. And I hope you're doing alright and doing harm reduction if you're in active ED. X

It's one thing for the friend to pull the OP's leg about the giant ice cream, especially as she had no idea about the ED. But it's another thing entirely for her to insist on trawling through photos to show a total stranger, especially as the OP was looking uncomfortable. And she then went on to make a "witty" remark about the OP's lack of physical exercise, again in front of a totally strange man. The friend was clearly trying to be a little smarty pants in front of this bloke at the OP's expense. Some women don't half suck up to men.

She won’t be my friend for sure, irrespective of what you choose to say.