Friend mocked my eating on holiday and I feel really hurt

[BlueOtter9]

Recently went on a holiday with a friend. Or so I thought. I have an active ED. Begins with a b to be specific. I hate typing it out as I have a very negative cycle attached to it. She didn’t know I have an ED as I used to also be a fitness coach and still do this so i am
really regimented, but here is the story.

We went for ice cream. I had a large ice cream. Essentially the size of a regular pot of Ben and jerrys. So we later went for a wine tasting with random strangers. She’d had a bit to drink but me not so much as it’s a trigger.

there was snacks on offer at the wine tasting such as cake and chocolate. The man next to me stuck his fork in. Licked it and took another bite. He then offered me and I jokingly said. No it’s too many calories no extras needed.

The supposed friend of mine then pipes up and said “it’s fine she wasn’t thinking of the calories earlier with the ice cream. Wait let me show you a picture”

Me being me said “that’s not going to be necessary don’t do that” she proceeds to say “no it is wait look at this ice cream lol!” I said “erm ok. I’m a runner I’ll run when I’m home.” To which she said “not been running here though”

So I sat quietly and said nothing. I phoned my mum to rant as she’s the only one who knows of my ed but it’s really upset me. More so I considered her a friend and I feel she wanted to make me the butt of a joke on purpose?

But from the man’s point of view, had I offered someone some cake and they replied that it was too many calories, I’d have thought the person was having a dig at me.
If OP doesn’t want comments on what she eats then she shouldn’t mention calories to a person eating cake.
Maybe her friend did take it further than she was comfortable with it but the man may very well have been uncomfortable and she isn’t too concerned about that.

It’s not really fair to go on holiday with someone and not flag a serious mental health issue. I’ve been on holiday with a friend who had anorexia when I was younger - and the obsessing and anxiety about food was a lot - and I was aware of the problem.

You’ve set up your friend to fail - I’m sure if she knew you had an ED she would have been more careful about what she said,

Yabu

I actually think she might have been trying to defuse your 'rudeness' in bringing up the calories - i.e. your comment could have been seen as a bit judgy to the man who was eating cake, so she was trying to balance that out. Regardless, nobody should be bringing calories up full stop, even in a jokey way, because - as you clearly know - too many people have issues around eating. And because of your ED you've interpreted this through a very specific lens. Let it go, and stop bringing your food issues to other people when out and about.

Why have you posted this again?

I'm sorry you felt attacked, I know things can be triggering for a lot of reasons.

Personally I think if you start talking calories then you've opened the door to that topic. It sounds like you shamed the man first with your comment, and then your friend possibly was trying to point out that it's totally fine to splurge on something unhealthy now and again.

I would just stop talking calories / food / etc with other people - particularly strangers. it doesn't sound like something great for you to raise for your own mental health and it can actually be really upsetting for other people too.

Like others have said, you sounded like you were being judgemental of the man eating the cake so she sounds like she was actually trying to make him feel better about eating it.

Saying something someone is eating has too many calories isn’t a joke, it is rude and like you’re trying to take his enjoyment out of the food.

Absolutely this.

You can’t complain that someone has shamed you when actually you’ve just done exactly the same thing to somebody else.

She had been drinking and told the truth, no idea why you brought up calories after eating so much, you should have just been truthful and said I don’t want your germs.

That was nasty of your friend, both to take the photo and then show it to a stranger.

I would take her aside and tell her she is not to comment on your food again. You do not have to tell her why but do tell her it is rude to pass comments on things like that.

As she doesn't know about your ED, honestly, it sounds like a bit of slightly drunken teasing.

And also, she didn't say anything factually wrong. You didn't comment on calories when ordering the large ice-cream, and you haven't gone on a run while you've been away.

Interesting. But you don’t think it was equally rude of OP to comment on the food and calorie intake of that same stranger?

If I was the friend and OP said this I’d be quick to point out the hypocrisy!

That sounds like a fairly normal conversation I and my friends would have, teasing each other. If I knew one of my friends had a serious eating disorder, of course I would not joke about food and exercise in this way, but your friend has no idea this is an issue for you. Because you do have an ED, naturally the conversation is upsetting and triggering for you, but most people without an ED wouldn't react in the same way. We can't expect our friends to show consideration for conditions we have that they know nothing about.

"I jokingly said. No it’s too many calories no extras needed."

You joked about food. She joked about food. She doesn't know about your ED. Cut her some slack.

She sounds catty.

There is an irony in you using calories as an excuse when you'd eaten a huge portion of ice cream - the faux virtue would annoy me too. Bearing in mind she doesn't know about your ED, and you were behaving like a bit of a princess, I can see why she made a mild joke at your expense.

I think you were rude to begin with, mentioning calories to someone eating cake. It sounds more like your friend was trying to defend this poor guy who had just been shamed into thinking were too many calories in what he was eating - and she was trying to say “well, it’s fine to eat but she’s already had this huge ice cream today”. But yeah, she took it a bit far with getting pictures out.
So it was you who invited this conversation.

Even without knowing about your ED, it's colloquial knowledge that women especially don't appreciate their eating habits being laughed at. Taking a picture and showing a stranger isn't a standard joke, and that dig on you not running on holiday was just being mean.

I think you need to tell her that her behaviour was out of order and you don't want her doing such shit again. You don't have to mention you ED.

And again I’d ask you, you don’t see that OP was actually making the same joke essentially at this stranger, by pointing out they were eating too many calories?

Are you dizzy from all that waltzing? He offered HER cake and the calorie remark was about not wanting extra calories for HERSELF.

I agree with all the PP that she no more mocked your eating than you mocked theirs. Pointing out the high calorie content of something that you know somebody else is choosing to eat is judgmental and uncalled-for - and surely you can see that this comes across as hypocritical when you've already publicly done the same thing, except you had your own treat at a different time from them?

If you want people to respect your eating choices/needs, you need to show them that same respect for theirs.

You're starting a conversation with me, not continuing one, so there's no "and again" here.

But, no, I don't see that because I can read clearly that she wasn't commenting on him having too many calories, she said she the calories would be too much for HER because she'd had enough, hence why she said "no extras needed".

In my ED days this would have bothered me. Now I’m recovered it wouldn’t. I personally wouldn’t go away on holiday with a friend I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my issues with food. You’re too vulnerable in that situation.

She didn't say "I've eaten more than enough today, thanks", though. The way she phrased it would be taken as judgmental by most people - especially when using general statements about 'too many calories and not needed' rather than personal ones referring clearly to herself only.