Friend mocked my eating on holiday and I feel really hurt

[BlueOtter9]

Recently went on a holiday with a friend. Or so I thought. I have an active ED. Begins with a b to be specific. I hate typing it out as I have a very negative cycle attached to it. She didn’t know I have an ED as I used to also be a fitness coach and still do this so i am
really regimented, but here is the story.

We went for ice cream. I had a large ice cream. Essentially the size of a regular pot of Ben and jerrys. So we later went for a wine tasting with random strangers. She’d had a bit to drink but me not so much as it’s a trigger.

there was snacks on offer at the wine tasting such as cake and chocolate. The man next to me stuck his fork in. Licked it and took another bite. He then offered me and I jokingly said. No it’s too many calories no extras needed.

The supposed friend of mine then pipes up and said “it’s fine she wasn’t thinking of the calories earlier with the ice cream. Wait let me show you a picture”

Me being me said “that’s not going to be necessary don’t do that” she proceeds to say “no it is wait look at this ice cream lol!” I said “erm ok. I’m a runner I’ll run when I’m home.” To which she said “not been running here though”

So I sat quietly and said nothing. I phoned my mum to rant as she’s the only one who knows of my ed but it’s really upset me. More so I considered her a friend and I feel she wanted to make me the butt of a joke on purpose?

You are the one OP who mentioned calories. Your friend didn’t know you had an eating disorder and from someone who has had one in the past it is hard to see that eating and food and calories isn’t at the top of everyone’s mind. She wasn’t being cruel at all. You had had a lot of ice cream and she was probably just confused as to why the calories didn’t matter to you then (even though they did).

Chocolate and cake at wine tasting is the weirdest part of this. Especially cake available for people to just dig a fork in to.

Would your friend have done that if she knew you had a difficult relationship with food?

If yes, then she's not a friend. If no, then I'm inclined to think ot was just her gently teasing you but with her being drunk it didn't cone accross as she intended.

The giant ice cream does sound like it could have been amusing in a novelty kind of way. It's nothing to do with you eating it, just that a giant ice cream is funny. I have a picture of my daughter with a candy floss that is bigger than her head. The size is funny so when I laugh at the photo, I'm laughing at the candy floss, not my daughter eating it if that makes sense?

Sounds like she thought it hilarious you had this huge ice cream and wanted to share the photo of it! I accidentally ordered the wrong ice cream Sundae at a restaurant. It arrived in a huge goldfish type bowl and mixed with all kinds of things (chocolate bars broken up and cookies etc). Luckily I’d ordered it to share with my children. 4 of us including my husband struggled with it. My husband kept taking photos as he thought it was hilarious! He showed his brother when he saw him next because he thought it was funny! I did feel embarrassed as I’m not skinny by any means! But they were laughing at the ice cream and not at me. In your situation it triggered you as you felt monitored and judged. Remember your friend doesn’t know you have an ED and was just joking with you. If she’s never done it before I’d say nothing or you could mention that you felt a bit embarrassed about it. You’ll probably eat different around her because of it which is a shame. An ED is for life as it’s always there lurking in the background. You’re doing so well being healthy and balanced and it’s great you have your mum to talk to. Take care. 💐

YABU to have mentioned calories at all, but YANBU to be irritated with your friend

She didn’t know op. It was light hearted. I can see why it was so hard, and also why you don’t want to tell people. How about ‘friend, I was a bit snappy yesterday, you don’t know that I have had some issues with food and I’m really sensitive to people implying I’m a greedy glutton. I know that’s not what you meant but it’s how it feels to me, that’s why I snapped.’

The worst thing about this is the man sticking his fork in the cake, licking the fork, and then going in again and offering it to someone he doesn't know 😬

Anyone who’s watching what other people are eating then uses it to be a dick is a dick. She was being a dick.

It sounded as though you were criticising the man for eating something high in calories and your friend's comment - starting 'It's fine ...' was an attempt to smooth over any offence with a lighthearted remark.

Your friend doesn't know about your ED - completely understandable that you don't want to share this widely, but you can't expect her to guess that the comment might be triggering.

For all you knew, the random man might have had an ED but you jokingly mentioned calories - your friend did nothing different from you!

All that aside, an ice cream on holiday is totally normal and reasonable - unless someone doesn't like or is allergic to ice cream, I'd say it's a pretty universal holiday treat. It's good that you felt comfortable to have one, don't let this put you off - you deserve a holiday and you deserve to eat normal holiday foods, without feeling guilty or being scared that you've eaten too much - just like people without an ED would do without a second thought.

All the best with managing your ED and staying healthy

I've definitely read this before, on holiday with friend showing pics of ops food to random people!

If she didnt know about your ED, it doesn't sound like it was malicious - that's you interpreting it that way.

If someone said this to me I'd laugh it off and join in with the joking, it would be a none issue.

No doubt she'd be mortified if she knew.

Yes. Definitely I read this exact thing a few weeks ago.

I think bringing up the size of the ice cream was fine if she didn’t know about the ED as it does seem jokey. However it was the come back after you said you were a runner, about how you’re not running I thought was mean and rude.

I’d recommend not mentioning calories when declining food. There’s no need to explain yourself - a simple no thanks will do.
when you bring calories into it, it always invites comment.

She is very weird. Sorry it was difficult for you.

Can someone link to the previous thread, please?

What??
I don’t have an ED and I’d find that extremely rude.
The friend was not do subtlety putting her down and shaming her to a stranger whilst being extremely judgemental.

If you think a comment like this is ok and the OP only took it badly because she has an ED, then the issue is with you

That’s what OP did first. Oh it’s too much calories for me, but you go ahead and eat all that cake greedy.

Tbh she would no longer be my friend, what a nasty way to treat you.

I think it’s odd to mention calories when the bloke offered you some cake. Surely you’d just say no thanks.
You mentioned calories so your friend, no knowing about the ED, mentioned the ice cream.
I genuinely think that if you hadn’t mentioned calories then that would have been it.
I don’t think she was being malicious. She was making a joke about the size of the ice cream you’d eaten. That’s all.

If it had stopped at ‘oh she didn’t think about it when eating that ice cream’, I could follow you.

But to then insist and find a photo to make tge point on how big it wasL
Na.
That was done to shame the OP.

She doesn’t know you have an ED, so made a comment after you said something about too many calories. Yes probably inappropriate to go about it and show photos but how is she being deliberately cruel if she doesnt know your history

this and to bang on about it. This is no friend,

I'd be annoyed, op. If the guy had been a friend, it MIGHT have been slightly better, but the fact he was a total stranger and she pushed the point so much is really annoying. Why was she trying so hard to impress him at your expense?

The fact that she made such a huge issue of going through her phone to find the "evidence" would have seriously pissed me off.

I have same ed and am often triggered by conversations about food, weight…I can completely empathise with how you felt as this was playing out, but I agree with pp’s…she had a pic of the ice cream as its size was amusing and with a couple of drinks on board thought it amusing to share.

Good you had a rant to your mum and on here, but if she is an otherwise good friend, chalk this up and focus your energies on your coping strategies for such situations. Dont let the ed own you all of the time.