Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

Agreed, my father in law is a headmaster, my MIL an English teacher and my SIL a maths teacher and Head of Year, and none of them are working in cars or until the early hours of the morning!

Being a teacher is like being in an abusive and toxic relationship. It’s bad for you in most ways but you can’t help but stay. The system has brainwashed you. It’s actually a thing in education. There’s a FB group called life after teaching - tens of thousands of members recovering from the system.

If you are earning a fortune, then it's understandable, and I think you should explain to family that this s the level of commitment required to earn a big salary. Then you can work in bed, with a cup of coffee, not drive to some car park and fake a gym session!

But if you are earning an average salary, I'd reconsider, as clearly you ahev more work than one person should be reasonably expected to do in a 35-40 hour working week. I know all jobs require extra work at times - I have 60 hour weeks at times. But not all year round.

I assumed you were a teacher until you said it was perfectly possible to work from home, though I presume you mean unpaid at weekends and holidays?!

I was a teacher and left last year. I am now a very happy ex-teacher who works normal hours, and can go on holiday when I like! Don’t work your life away in a cat park, whilst lying to your family about it. If you dropped dead tomorrow, you’d be replaced before you could say ‘replaced by an ECT’…

I was going to say I sometimes do a bit extra from home to make my life a bit easier when I am at work and my DH hates it but the difference here is my manager puts down extra hours for me for that and my salary is fairly decent for the hours I do, and the perks are good. I would not be doing what you are - absolutely would not be doing it if it ever interfered with actual family life (I'll do it when DD is in bed or at school) and if I didn't get paid for it. If you're working unpaid a lot, your salary probably works out low on an hourly basis!

There's plenty of other jobs where people can end up absolutely drowning in work, it's not remotely unique to teaching.

This sounds utterly depressing. Doing several hours work multiple times a day during the weekend? You sound totally checked out of family life. If I found out my husband was driving to a carpark to do a few hours work on the weekend only to come home and do more work would be fuming

It wasn’t just the workload levels, all the other details the OP gave about the role, particular working pattern, core hours, certain busy times meant it was very recognisable.

Colour me flabbergasted……. I thought you’d be in some corporate job that pays a minimum of £150k a year. Seriously, why are you doing this - to detriment of yourself and your family!

When you're comparing jobs and salaries, are you actually comparing like for like? Because if you were able to work regular hours in a job that earned a little less, you could probably take on a second job, earn the same, and be less stressed from the sound of things!

Also, I know it's been said, but lying to your family about this is such a red flag, especially as you are pretending to take care of yourself and instead slowly wrecking your mental and physical health instead.

I don't want to be a scaremonger, but just imagine how you will feel if you have a breakdown or a stress-induced heart attack and it all comes out that you've been lying. They will feel massively betrayed and it will be very hard to ask for their help and support if you've been effectively planning to work yourself into total burnout behind their backs.

You don't have to accept the low value your employer places on your health and wellbeing - your family would be absolute fucked without you, so prioritise them over people who could replace you in days if they needed to.

I honestly am not trying to be awful to you - you sound like a dedicated and committed professional, but you're a mum and wife first and you shouldn't feel like you have to risk that for a job.

OP, how would you feel if any of the kids you teach ended up in a job that involved regular clandestine working in car parks and lying to their partners?

And also I would be mortified to learn that anyone teaching my son had such expectations placed upon them. That can’t possibly make for a positive classroom experience when the teacher is as stressed and as tired as you must be.

That sounds insane. I’ve been known to do crazy hours around busy times like audit, or during an acquisition. My EXDP hated it, but I never hid my extra working out of hours from him. I earn a huge salary though, so it’s kind of expected that you do the work needed to get the job done. I would NOT be putting in all that extra work in for an average salary.

Or move to Ireland. Teaching is not like that here at all!!

I hope you are well paid for this and enjoy it at the very least. This is my major gripe about WFH as many are sucked into doing extra when they would up and leave in the office.

You need to speak to your manager about workload and realistic expectations, you are heading for burnout.

At the end of the day..... As much as it sounds so cliché, if something happened to you, you'd be replaced.

Edit - just read you are a teacher.. This is still totally unrealistic and you need to speak to someone.

Why don't you apply to work in Further Education? You won't be expected to work out of hours.

Or do private tutoring for 11+/GCSE/A-level - to start with on the side. That's quite lucrative and you can set your own hours.

I have a job that involves being available outside my core office hours: sometimes very late evenings and/or weekends.

However my husband knows when I’m working and supports me (ie takes the kids out so I can get a few hours done. I think it’s unhealthy to hide it: either he’s right that you’re doing too much (which you know in your heart which is why you’re working secretly), or he doesn’t understand the needs of your job. Neither is great.

If it’s a case of your husband feeling it’s unfair that he has to take on more at home, vs and you are well paid, why not get a babysitter say, every other week, so you can work late and your husband can do something he enjoys.

What you’re doing sounds unsustainable, and likely to breed resentment.

You are a teacher???? That’s not worth it. Even the president doesn’t do those hours. Taylor swift takes breaks. If we heard she was doing those hours we would say she is heading for burnout.

I have never done secret work. I work big hours sometimes but everyone knows what I’m doing. My role is well paid and DH is SAHD so I figure that is fair enough.

Not all schools are like this. I’ve worked in different schools and the cultures are so different. The one I’m in currently recognises that staff wellbeing is important, and has things in place like shared planning, rules about not sending emails outside of working hours (ie before 7am and after 6pm), etc. If my line manager asks me to do something and I don’t have capacity at the time, I say, “What would you like me to de-prioritise so I can focus on this task?” And she helps me work out what to drop.

It can be really hard to know what the culture of a school is like before you’re in it, so I get that it’s difficult to think of going elsewhere. But please know that this workload is unsustainable, and is not required at all schools.

I’ve been teaching for over 10 years and have a toddler. I’m in a higher position (not quite SLT but also slightly higher than normal middle leadership) and therefore have a lot of responsibilities. Since having my daughter I no longer really have the option of working at home (she’d just eat my marking or try to help me with typing) so I have to do everything at school, and can’t leave too late because she needs picking up. It is possible, but you can’t do it without changing the culture of your current workplace (tricky) or going elsewhere.

Are you a fellow teacher OP?

I never hid my workload but DH did comment I was being OTT coming home after specail celebrations to work til a late hour, also booking an extra nursery day sometimes to get on top of it all. Xx