Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

That's mad, especially if you're not earning a very high salary. I get that you want to do the best for the people you're working to help, but you are negatively affecting your own life and family - that's not fair.

Honestly, they will make you redundant tomorrow if they feel like it. I think once you've been through it you lose that loyalty. I worked a lot of overtime before I had a family, but now I just absolutely refuse to unless it's a very short term thing. I don't want my child thinking I care more about work than him. And to work instead of looking after yourself - you'll burn out and be no use to anyone.

I agree with this. I nearly killed myself working eighty hour weeks. Never again.

My DH hit burn out breakdown a few years back working for a boss with similar expectations even down to sending him to work a flight away so he’d leave home at 3am on Monday to get to his “desk” at 9am yep he’d have done 6hrs of travelling then be expected to work late into the evening.
I was earning at the same level doing half the hours and responsibilities in a different sector but comparable skills. I finally made him see sense and he quit got another job a week later as his skill set was highly transferable he just couldn’t “see” it. Please do some AI job skills comparison search or something. I bet you could pivot into a different space for half the stress. However what I can see from DH experience is half the responsibility lies with him developing the skills to say NO and pushback or prioritise work load more effectively. These are skills too that you need to learn or you will repeat the pattern again. You can’t change a companies culture but you can create your own.

OP I have at various points in my career worked crazy hours. At one point 21 days straight no breaks. What I’ve learned is actually taking breaks is necessary and increases efficiency. There have been so many times I’m struggling to complete something go to bed and complete it effortlessly the next morning.

i think you should start using the secret time to do things for yourself.

this is insanity and i think you’ll get as much done if you take these breaks.

OP, how many hours a week are you working on average? How often per year are these peak times when more is needed? If you divide your annual salary by 52, then again by the number of hours you do in a week, what does the hourly wage come back as? If it’s below minimum wage, you have got to say something because they are breaking the law. They then have a few choices:

1. Pay you more to account for all the extra hours you are doing - but then the expectation will be that you carry on as you are so I don’t think you should accept this

2. Employ someone else and take some work out of your role. It sounds like others do this too, so I’m sure taking work out of a few people’s roles would easily give a new person enough to do.

3. Review your role and take out any jobs that aren’t actually needed

4. If they think your role is possible in a standard 40 hour week, look at a job swap with someone else who could manage it… of course you risk losing your job if they think you are taking too long to do simple tasks

Ultimately something needs to change. I’ve never felt the need to hide if I’m working. The fact you do makes me think you are working a crazy number of hours. Don’t you want to spend time with your family? If you had posted on here telling us your husband did this, he’d have been torn to shreds for checking out of family life, especially for an “average” salary. She would have been told to get her ducks in a row and consider leaving him. Do you want your husband to leave you if he were to find out the truth? Do you want your children growing up thinking that work is more important than them? Do you want to find yourself “empty nesters” and realise you missed out on the years that nattered with your kids? You need to change something.

As an employer, there is absolutely no way I would want or expect this from any of my employees. It’s madness. If you cannot get the job done within your paid working hours, they have a problem with staffing. They need to solve it. Or you need to find a different job.

This is insane but from your posts @MrsEveningsAndWeekends you don't actually seem too bothered about working all these extra hours?

The nearest I got to this was during Covid when I kept logging on at weekends to do just another extra hour. After a few hours, DH would come in my office and stand there until I logged off. Sounds awful of him but it was what I needed, I could have worked 25 hours a day and not got finished. I also only get paid an average wage...

I've recently had cancer and it's been a useful reminder of what's important in life. None of us know how long we've got.

At the end of your life, which unfortunately can be sooner than many of us imagine, will you really be pleased this is how you spent your time? Working a car, lying to your family and spending time away from them?

It is a bit concerning, I agree.

No I don’t. I am in a senior role earning close to 6 figures but I refuse to work like that, I have firm boundaries.

That is not sustainable, and it means you have little support. Don’t do it to yourself op, it’s a thankless life.

Please stop and speak to your manager. Everyone I know who has done this has ended up with some kind of ‘burnout’ and needed weeks/months off. You are not helping others by giving the impression that the job can be done in the time you are paid for - when it clearly cannot.

Why don’t you tell your husband that you’re working?

Hmm... I do understand what you're talking about - I also have a job (academia) that is more of a vocation and sometimes extra time is needed so instead of my saturday lie in I am actually working upstairs while DH has got the kids up.

But... there are 2 key differences:

1. This is not all the time, it might happen during a busy period (eg marking period, grant submission deadline), but there will also be quiet periods where I can take 2 hours out in the middle of my day to cut the hedge haha.
2. I don't hide it or lie about it to my family.

you dont want to be a leader surely, you dont have time for anything wirh more responsibility so push back on them ‘dumping’ extra on you under the guise of some leadership programme. it’s not. it’s delegating and dumping thwir work coz they dont have time to do it.

i dont know about now but there used to be laws about how many hours we could work. to protect us.

you need to change your attitude to it all and work less. what would happen if you cited “illness” and “have to reduce my workload to within working hours”. would you be sacked? im thinking not. so thatd be my plan.

the work will be there when you’re not. youre just a number. enjoy your life. you only have one. don’t waste it on them doing what is effectively ‘working for free’. it’s madness.

This is toxic and speaks to a whole culture of wrong. As a senior manager, one of my responsibilities to my team is to ensure that the work they are doing is the priority work (and yes, an element of performance management that the work they are doing is done in a timely way to a good enough standard). There is always more work than time available, and part of my job is to support those working with me in deciding what they are not going to do, and solving the problem for the org if we are under-resourced in totality. My job is not to get everyone to work more than their contracted hours just to get shit done.

My friend works from home and last year her job totally overwhelmed her. She was logging on at all hours doing work . She used to walk the dog then go back on the laptop all night then the more she was doing the more they expected of her and because she's single, lives by herself I imagine no one knew the extent to the hours she was working.
Then she got COVID but was still trying to work when she felt absolutely dreadful and the straw that broke it was when she was asked to cover someone else's work as well who had rung in with a "cold" Whilst she was trying to do her own mountains of work feeling absolutely dreadful and not wanting to cause a fuss.

She went off for a while with work related stress and depression because she realised she couldn't cope with the work load in the end. The more she tried to do ,the more hours she was working unpaid and the more they put onto her.

If you've got to hide it, maybe you're working too much, especially if it's not paid. Don't make yourself ill because your work will replace you tomorrow , you're only a number on their pay roll at the end of the day.

If you’re asking the question on here to validity the activity you know deep down it’s not right. Look at what you can control, really ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if x y z is not done? If I died tomorrow what gets picked up and what slides.

This won't end well. You're heading for burnout and you won't get this time back with your kids. All for what? A job is just a job.

I worked in huge international law firms and the Partners (who were on 7-figure salaries) also took holidays and had breaks from work and could go off and be uncontactable outside of working hours unless in an emergency. The world didn't end.

You say you can't find another job that pays the same as this, but with all the extra hours you do your hourly rate must be absolutely shit.

Calculate how many hours a month you work, divide it by your monthly salary and multiply by 40 hours x 52 weeks. This is your actual annual salary. Do job in other industries suddenly look much better paid?

You might even be better off working two jobs at different workplaces; an office job in the day then a night and weekend job at Tesco / a pub. At least you'd be paid for every hour you worked then. Currently you're ruining your health, lying to your family, missing time with your children, and for what? No job is worth this.

Are you an academic maybe?

is the problem the hours, or your families reaction to it?

If you actually want or need to be working that hard maybe discuss with your DH how to do it in a less harmful way, eg could he give you 1-2 evenings you just stay at work til you have finished (hopefully then done by 9 or 10pm), rather than coming home for family dinner and doing another shift of work from 10pm to midnight?

you could maybe pair it with negotiating some better boundaries on the work side, compromise etc

I work very long hours and on occasion I will work late at night after they have all gone to bed and then I will lie and say I went to bed eventually at midnight when it was really 1 or 2 am.

But what you are doing is very very extreme. I will come back to this thread later but I hope you get the help and support you need.

It a chance I do this. It is expected that you work out of hours where I am, but it’s a flat refusal from me.

No I don't do this and I think you're utterly insane. This is how bosses and companies get away with hiring too few staff and working the ones they have into the ground - because people like you convince yourselves that it's 'a vocation'. Meanwhile, you short-change yourself and your family while depriving yourself of sleep and leisure time to sit in your car and answer emails in the early morning, evening and at weekends.

Have you never heard that one of the top five regrets of people on their deathbeds is spending too much time working? Think about that for a moment and then think about all that you are missing in order to work all these hours for free. Your boss is taking the piss and you are allowing them to steal your time. Precious time with your family and friends, precious time when you could be sleeping, exercising, cooking, reading or relaxing. Time that THEY ARE NOT PAYING YOU FOR. Quite honestly, I think you're a mug and you're not even being paid that well. If you said 'I have a six-figure salary and this is just part of the deal' that would be one thing, but you're not and that's why you're a mug.

Agree with this. You’re also doing a huge disservice to anyone who takes on your role after you. You’re effectively hiding the fact that that your job is actually 1.5 or 2 FTE from your employer.

I can just imagine someone taking over your role and getting hugely stressed that it’s not possible or practicable to achieve what’s needed.

I often work either much later or much earlier than my normal hours. However that is offset by some days when nothing is kicking off so I have relatively little to do. So it is all swings and roundabouts.

Yours sounds like you only have the swings and no roundabouts though, which isn’t fair on you or your family.

I have compressed my hours to work 4 days a week then I do overtime on my 5th day (and sometimes 6th) in a slightly different role within the same employment. However they are compensating us quite well at the moment for overtime so it is worth it financially.

I am getting to the point though where I can feel my mental health has done a complete and utter nose dive. I am not happy in my main role. I do my best but there is a lot of pressure from customers and not much I can do about it other than my own overtime sorting the problems out. My manager is very good, as is the rest of my team so there is a lot of support, but we all know we are pushing water uphill at this point and it’s unlikely to get better any year soon. I would be much happier doing the role I do as overtime as my full time role again, but I can’t afford the pay cut to go back to that so I feel a bit trapped tbh.