Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

That's mad, especially if you're not earning a very high salary. I get that you want to do the best for the people you're working to help, but you are negatively affecting your own life and family - that's not fair.

Honestly, they will make you redundant tomorrow if they feel like it. I think once you've been through it you lose that loyalty. I worked a lot of overtime before I had a family, but now I just absolutely refuse to unless it's a very short term thing. I don't want my child thinking I care more about work than him. And to work instead of looking after yourself - you'll burn out and be no use to anyone.

I agree with this. I nearly killed myself working eighty hour weeks. Never again.

My DH hit burn out breakdown a few years back working for a boss with similar expectations even down to sending him to work a flight away so he’d leave home at 3am on Monday to get to his “desk” at 9am yep he’d have done 6hrs of travelling then be expected to work late into the evening.
I was earning at the same level doing half the hours and responsibilities in a different sector but comparable skills. I finally made him see sense and he quit got another job a week later as his skill set was highly transferable he just couldn’t “see” it. Please do some AI job skills comparison search or something. I bet you could pivot into a different space for half the stress. However what I can see from DH experience is half the responsibility lies with him developing the skills to say NO and pushback or prioritise work load more effectively. These are skills too that you need to learn or you will repeat the pattern again. You can’t change a companies culture but you can create your own.

OP I have at various points in my career worked crazy hours. At one point 21 days straight no breaks. What I’ve learned is actually taking breaks is necessary and increases efficiency. There have been so many times I’m struggling to complete something go to bed and complete it effortlessly the next morning.

i think you should start using the secret time to do things for yourself.

this is insanity and i think you’ll get as much done if you take these breaks.

OP, how many hours a week are you working on average? How often per year are these peak times when more is needed? If you divide your annual salary by 52, then again by the number of hours you do in a week, what does the hourly wage come back as? If it’s below minimum wage, you have got to say something because they are breaking the law. They then have a few choices:

1. Pay you more to account for all the extra hours you are doing - but then the expectation will be that you carry on as you are so I don’t think you should accept this

2. Employ someone else and take some work out of your role. It sounds like others do this too, so I’m sure taking work out of a few people’s roles would easily give a new person enough to do.

3. Review your role and take out any jobs that aren’t actually needed

4. If they think your role is possible in a standard 40 hour week, look at a job swap with someone else who could manage it… of course you risk losing your job if they think you are taking too long to do simple tasks

Ultimately something needs to change. I’ve never felt the need to hide if I’m working. The fact you do makes me think you are working a crazy number of hours. Don’t you want to spend time with your family? If you had posted on here telling us your husband did this, he’d have been torn to shreds for checking out of family life, especially for an “average” salary. She would have been told to get her ducks in a row and consider leaving him. Do you want your husband to leave you if he were to find out the truth? Do you want your children growing up thinking that work is more important than them? Do you want to find yourself “empty nesters” and realise you missed out on the years that nattered with your kids? You need to change something.

As an employer, there is absolutely no way I would want or expect this from any of my employees. It’s madness. If you cannot get the job done within your paid working hours, they have a problem with staffing. They need to solve it. Or you need to find a different job.

This is insane but from your posts @MrsEveningsAndWeekends you don't actually seem too bothered about working all these extra hours?

The nearest I got to this was during Covid when I kept logging on at weekends to do just another extra hour. After a few hours, DH would come in my office and stand there until I logged off. Sounds awful of him but it was what I needed, I could have worked 25 hours a day and not got finished. I also only get paid an average wage...

I've recently had cancer and it's been a useful reminder of what's important in life. None of us know how long we've got.

At the end of your life, which unfortunately can be sooner than many of us imagine, will you really be pleased this is how you spent your time? Working a car, lying to your family and spending time away from them?

It is a bit concerning, I agree.

No I don’t. I am in a senior role earning close to 6 figures but I refuse to work like that, I have firm boundaries.

That is not sustainable, and it means you have little support. Don’t do it to yourself op, it’s a thankless life.

Please stop and speak to your manager. Everyone I know who has done this has ended up with some kind of ‘burnout’ and needed weeks/months off. You are not helping others by giving the impression that the job can be done in the time you are paid for - when it clearly cannot.

Why don’t you tell your husband that you’re working?

Hmm... I do understand what you're talking about - I also have a job (academia) that is more of a vocation and sometimes extra time is needed so instead of my saturday lie in I am actually working upstairs while DH has got the kids up.

But... there are 2 key differences:

1. This is not all the time, it might happen during a busy period (eg marking period, grant submission deadline), but there will also be quiet periods where I can take 2 hours out in the middle of my day to cut the hedge haha.
2. I don't hide it or lie about it to my family.

you dont want to be a leader surely, you dont have time for anything wirh more responsibility so push back on them ‘dumping’ extra on you under the guise of some leadership programme. it’s not. it’s delegating and dumping thwir work coz they dont have time to do it.

i dont know about now but there used to be laws about how many hours we could work. to protect us.

you need to change your attitude to it all and work less. what would happen if you cited “illness” and “have to reduce my workload to within working hours”. would you be sacked? im thinking not. so thatd be my plan.

the work will be there when you’re not. youre just a number. enjoy your life. you only have one. don’t waste it on them doing what is effectively ‘working for free’. it’s madness.

This is toxic and speaks to a whole culture of wrong. As a senior manager, one of my responsibilities to my team is to ensure that the work they are doing is the priority work (and yes, an element of performance management that the work they are doing is done in a timely way to a good enough standard). There is always more work than time available, and part of my job is to support those working with me in deciding what they are not going to do, and solving the problem for the org if we are under-resourced in totality. My job is not to get everyone to work more than their contracted hours just to get shit done.