Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

Yes I do. I know they’re right that I should have firmer boundaries but it’s hard.

Name change fail. You need to let your manager know their demands are unreasonable.

No, I don't. I'm sorry to brutal but you sound insane and heading for a breakdown. You need to speak to your manager asap.

No, I don’t. I just say when I have to work. But DH and I both have jobs where it’s usual to work extra hours so it’s not a big deal to either of us.

This is much more extreme than I was expecting. I had thought it was more about ‘answering some emails when everyone was out for an hour’. I do 50-55hrs a week and even I think you’re over doing it.

Clearly you need to tell you manager that this is too much, and if you’re senior go in armed with some solutions: could you drop a project, delegate to someone junior who wants some stretch, shift workload onto a less busy team, recruit someone new?

Your manager must be aware if you’re sending so many emails out of hours (unless you delay send to hide the odd hours)

I mean this really kindly, your hours are crazy and it’s only work. It doesn’t matter and you’re replaceable to work but not to your family. You’re giving so much to work but what is it giving you? Please try to seek some balance.

I hope you’re on an excellent salary because this sounds crazy.

OP is this constant or around key deadlines? I often work evenings, weekends and holidays so I do understand, but I would be worried if it was every single weekend.

I know half of MN doesn’t get this, but plenty of jobs require working outside of “contracted hours”, pretty sure our contracts state extra hours can be required. It really does depend on the job and as I explain to my Mother every time she asks why I have to work on holiday, you don’t get paid as much as I do by working a 40 hour week or being uncontactable for a week at a time.

No, when I was in my old job which bled me dry I could not hide the additional hours I did as I wasn’t wfh.

I think your situation is extreme and really unhealthy. My old job nearly pushed me to complete burnout, it simply is not sustainable. I got out thankfully but not before my confidence was severely dented and my mental health was in bits. I’m still recovering more than 18 months later!

I think you need to be honest, it’s not good for you💐

Do you enjoy your work? If your family weren't a factor is this the job you'd choose?

Can you sit down with your family and compare the lifestyle you'd all have if you worked a 40 hr/week job. Either they agree to stop complaining about your work hours, or to not complain about the change in circumstances when you get a new job.

Fwiw, I think your current setup sounds entirely unsustainable, and you should find a way to reduce your hours before you have a breakdown and can't work at all.

You do actual work at the office, extra work from home, and then secret work from home. You must know this is too much for one person. I agree with poster above you need to talk to your manager and do more delegation.
You only get one life op. Spend time with your family instead of these ridiculous hours in the car.

If you constantly work extra hours management will not realise that the work is not achievable in a normal working week so nothing will change. Or they know but accept taking advantage of you because you’re constantly working over.
I’m constantly telling my colleagues this.
Your extra work is already impacting your family and now you’re hiding it too?!

wake up and smell the gravy… it’s not sustainable for your health, your sanity or your family life.

Unless you're earning mega mega bucks then no, this is not normal.

You are making it work, when they should employ more people

Sitting in a car park in the early hours pretending to be at the gym so you can work is not normal no. Your family are right to be concerned about the hours you are working. If you need to hide it because it's so out of control you need help.

If I felt the need to hide in my car and lie to my family about where I was it would be a clear sign that something was badly wrong with my working life. I’ve always had roles where additional hours were expected/required but I’d never hide or lie about what I was doing.

No, I never do that. And I don’t work extra hours either beyond the contracted ones. Rarely I might do an extra 10-15 minutes to get something finished. Nothing more. Anything else has to wait to the next day

Having re-read your post I agree with others too.

Certain businesses/cultures/bosses will always be giving employees more and more work until they break. They are relying on you wanting to work there and wanting to work hard /do everything. The reality is they need more staff but don't want to pay for them.

You should not be working every weekend. Yes in some industries it might be needed at peak points in the year but there should be downtime later to reflect that.

If you are working every weekend they need more staff. Set a boundary - they won't get rid of someone who has the knowledge and is good at what you do.

FWIW the latter generations are much better at boundaries than previous. You need to set a limit.

I work 60+ hours but my family know about it as I'm often in the house with them. DH accepts it, DS probably wishes I worked less but I can't at the moment.

I get the issue re overtime DH gets overtime so he can get quite huffy if he sees me working a lot of hours. But it's part and parcel of the job.

I do think it you have got to the point you are lying and being secretive then things have gone too far. That doesn't sound healthy for you or your relationships

Yeah most people on here are going to think you’re insane and you are describing some worrying behaviour. The only similarity I can draw is people who are “secret eaters” - i.e. say they need to run an errand and go to buy food instead for the instant gratification food gives them.

For what it’s worth, I also have an incredibly demanding job and will frequently work evenings/into the night and work at weekends. I’m paid very well and my role requires me to work at unsociable times. It always has - even when I was more junior and didn’t earn as well. The first thing I would say is if you’re not being paid excellently or this is a route to promotion, do less. I’ve seen far too many people work extra hard for no extra reward. The only person that benefits is the company/organisation.

I have never hidden work from my husband or my children, they understand. My husband has become a very good barometer - he will notice when I’m a work hole and will also encourage me out of it. He tells me when I’m working too hard and when I’m not doing enough outside of work. I would never hide it from him - sometimes you only recognise a bad situation when it’s reflected on your loved ones faces. The fact you’re hiding it says to me you know they don’t approve or see the benefit.

Finally, acknowledge that you are getting some gratification from doing this. What is it about those emails in the car you enjoy - is it feeling in control/on top of things? Do you feel valued at work in a way you don’t at home? It is OK to enjoy your job by the way! But are you getting enough enjoyment outside of work - if not, think about where that could come from.

Also if you’re not using AI please start immediately 🤣

No this is definitely not usual and you are heading for burnout. Please stop doing this as you will get ill.

Is that there is just too much work or is it possible you have adhd and it’s just taking you longer? Are you a workaholic?

I’m so sorry this has gotten so out of hand. Talk to your husband. This is far too much time to be devoting to any job.

Do you have an Employee assistance program at work? Call them tomorrow.

While I completely understand where pp are coming from when they say you should work less to show your bosses how much work there is, if you're in a role like teaching or social work etc, that would often make your own life more difficult and/or could result in considerable harm to others.

Having said that though, I don't hide the amount of work I do outside of my 'hours', they're what it takes to do the job.

I have a job where I used to work insane hours and it’s just expected and I wanted to keep my job. In the end I became physically ill. I had constant fever and was just burnt out. It took me 2 years to work on putting in place boundaries. I now probably work 2 hours OT a day, but it’s such a difference to working 24/7. I never hid it from my family though. I think you are already burnt out with this behaviour OP😨

This has gone a long way from normal. The fact you are driving somewhere first must also be adding on so much time to this all, versus sitting comfortably at home and working after dinner.
Many of us have had jobs that require extra work, but I agree with others that you need to be earning well to justify this volume of work - I’d want at least £100k.