Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

Having read your update, I’d be furious if I were your DH.
You’re pretending you are having time to yourself to secretly work for a job that pays the average salary.
I’d suggest you’ve lost perspective from working in this culture - it’s deeply unhealthy and no job can be worth this, vocational or not.
And you and your colleagues are complicit and enabling each other.

Absolutely!

I did lots of overtime when younger but I’m more senior now and have boundaries. My family come first - dc are nearly adults, 3.5 years, and that time is precious. I get annoyed if dh is still working at 5.30 when he finishes at 5pm. We have family stuff to do, food to cook and clubs to get to.

Can I do a sense check? Would you mind telling us your salary? Just because I am mid level and well paid by my organisation’s standards but not my industry if that makes sense. And I definitely take a week off at a time!

Maybe we've become institutionalised -I for one can't imagine a scenario in which I, or any of my colleagues, could ever say that a task / project / data drop was outwith my capacity, and request a re-prioritisation. It just doesn't exist.

Well you said your colleagues are
all single and childless or single parents of teens. So I presume most people
leave this job when they have kids? They must go somewhere - where do they go? Can you check out former colleagues on LinkedIn or whatever and see what they are up to now? Or MN could maybe make suggestions but you’d have to say what area you work in. Charity sector I presume?

TBH even if you move somewhere you earned less you might find it’s worth it for a massive reduction in hours and stress . Depends how stretched your family finances are though.

Oh and the streamed for leadership/CPD side projects is just a bullshit way of getting you to do more work, possibly work the managers are supposed to do themselves (I may be being too cynical here).

I’m being selfish sorry OP but could you hint at your industry or role. I’m looking for jobs and finding nothing and worried we’re similar! Good luck. It does sound relentless.

Sorry if I'm repeating what's already been said but you're a teacher, right?

It's so tragic that at 10pm when your family are going to bed you are 'starting' the evening shift. All for an average salary.

You need to say no at work and set your limits. Just stop doing it!! It's that easy.

Would it put it more into perspective for you this way:

The company doesn't value your wellbeing enough to
a) pay you well for the hours worked and stress caused
b) pay for sufficient staff
c) care about your wellbeing
d) ask you about work load before giving you more work

In return you are working so many hours you are giving up your evenings and weekends to work for free. You are damaging the relationship with your family and lying to them. You are working in your car and at nighttime to hide this behaviour. You are clearly affected mentally by this.

If you work out your hours are you even getting minimum wage?

Oh come on OP. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow your employer would have your job advertised in a month. They are using you to do the work of 2 people.

You only get one life, spend more of it with the people you love instead of lying to them.

This is so sad. This is seriously unhealthy.

This is bullshit, employers taking advantage of people.

I'd urge you to find another job as a matter of urgency. Perhaps telling your DH the truth and hopefully he can support you to find an appropriate alternative job/career.

Madness!
i had a demanding job like this before covid, I had too leave due to burnout.

This is very sad. But also, do they not see you lugging your laptop along with you everywhere? If my partner did this I would conclude that he values work more than me and our family, and that would leave a very sour feeling indeed.

Have you done the maths to see how much you're actually getting paid per hour based on the amount of hours you really work?

I suspect you'll be less aghast at taking a job that pays £10k less p.a. if you realise you're working yourself to death for £7.52 per hour.

This is me too . I need to work less

@Drivingmissrangey What is your job role if you dont mind me asking?

@MrsEveningsAndWeekends are you a GP?

Why do you have to hide the extra hours from your family?

I do extra hours too but in plain sight of my family as my home office is in the corner of the open plan downstairs area.

Please, please do not fall for the being 'streamed for leadership' carrot being dangled in front of you. Been there, done that. You MAY end up being invited to join the board/made a partner/whatever. But it is by no means guaranteed. Certainly not worth bursting your gut and sacrificing the best years of your life.

No, this is ridiculous. I have a very busy vocation job but if I haven’t physically got the time to do something it simply doesn’t get done, and that’s how it has to be. I prioritise the most important things and that means other tasks have to be pushed back or not done.

I'm thinking teacher as other posters have.

How many hours a week are you working? This will be impacting your physical and mental health, your marriage, and your children's wellbeing - are you fine with that?