Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

I used to work with someone a bit like this, she was so work obsessed, and working so many hours on top of her actual hours, it was really sad to see. Especially as she had young kids as well.

I remember her saying how one weekend she’d gone with her husband and kids to a soft play and used the couple of hours her husband was playing and having fun with the kids to sit with a coffee and prepare a work presentation. That sounded unbelievably sad to me.

I don't do this. I have, at times, had very busy periods at work, as has my OH. We support each other through it. The worst part about your situation is that you feel you have to lie.

Gosh...no. To be frank, your life sounds like hell. You cannot possibly be getting paid enough to make this role worth it. The reason you are hiding it is because you know it's unhealthy. This is akin to hiding binge eating, alcohol or drug abuse or self-harm.

And fgs, join "Exit the Classroom and Thrive" on facebook and get help to get out.

Teaching is an abusive relationship.

Op hasn't said they are a teacher?

I can think of plenty of other public /third sector jobs that op could be describing.

I've read all OP's posts and I think they are very probably a teacher.

I can think of multiple professions they could have. I know so many people whose jobs are like this. Particularly in the public sector

"our 'clients' deserve the best chances of success."

"we are all being 'streamed for leadership' which means our managers are allocating projects which will allow us to develop new skills on top of core work, as part of CPD."

"I think people in my profession become quite siloed and do not necessarily transition easily into other roles outside of the profession."

Just a few hints.

Private tutor?

Thank you everyone, this is sobering for me. I felt a little shell-shocked returning to this thread this morning. 'The water in which we swim...' and all that.

I'm public sector (naming the profession feels a bit outing, but it has been mentioned) so there isn't really any flex in remuneration structures -we are all working on a set scale, and there is no money, nor inclination within the organisation, to move or negotiate on pay. I have been offered an increase in management responsibility in exchange for a small incremental pay increase, but I had to turn it down as I knew that I wouldn't be able to manage what would have been a big uptick in hours.

A PP suggested I might have ADHD and not be managing my workload well -this hit home, not because I actually think I have ADHD but because the workload comprises such a variety of day-to-day tasks, all of high priority (if they're not completed, the following day simply can't happen), and the level of scrutiny and high-stakes expectation ('aspiration' in the workplace parlance) makes a sort of high-grain level of micro-management within my team and the people for whose progress and performance I am responsible, almost inevitable. I've codified and structured everything to within an inch of its life, but at the end of the day we provide a bespoke offer and as such, there are many processes that can't be replicated or repeated, but have to be reinvented daily. A very 'broad' focus on many moving parts is required, as opposed to attention being directed to a smaller number of projects in a linear fashion. I do feel like I'm drowning quite a lot of the time. It bugs me that -despite having a pretty bogstandard neurotypical brain and no processing issues to speak of- ADHD seems like a plausible explanation.

I daren't do the £/ph calculation. We need my income as I am the higher earner, so even dropping hours or changing careers with an initial drop in salary would be financially perilous. I have considered retraining.

A PP suggested banking on the assumption that I would not be sacked for holding a firmer boundary, but in the last few years I have seen as many colleagues being 'managed out' in response to raising concerns over workload. There's supposedly a recruitment and retention crisis in my field, but it seems to be an open secret that capability procedures and support plans follow efforts to dial down the expectations on out of hours working. NDAs go hand in hand with resignations and dismissal in these cases, so there's a really uncomfortable social aspect to it that I'd really rather not risk.

On the upside, there are periods in the cycle when it is not this busy, and periods when working entirely from home is possible.

Not being straight with DP does bother me; he is the most honest, upfront person. But although he's also worked in a demanding public sector role, it never involved any expectation of additional hours beyond the contracted ones so he doesn't really get that although my contract states xxxx h/pa, it also specifies that I am expected to work as many additional hours as it takes to fulfil my role -I think this is pretty standard, though.

Thanks again, I have read and reflected on every comment. I'm off to browse CS roles, a bit of a holy grail in my field.

I really recognise this. DP's job required regular late-night on-site availability until recently and I would see those nights as 'free passes' to get loads done and just work straight through. His work has changed, and he's more clued up on when and where I'm working now and also looking to spend more time together in the evenings, hence the 'hiding', I think. Interestingly, my boss works like you describe, in clandestine pockets of time, slotted in around her DH's shifts.

My husband and I both got out - I was managed out when I refused to do what you're doing and he left once I'd managed to work out the finances. We left with our mental and physical health in tatters.

We moved across the country to a cheaper area to cope with the drop in salary.

We both earn more than we did as teachers in the CS now, working mostly from home, and we are valued and supported.

I have a chronic condition which flared up last week and I had to take a few days off sick. That hasn't happened since I left teaching. I basically lived on the edge of crisis for years. And one huge difference - I emailed my manager and she just told me to rest, not come back until I felt ready, and get well soon. No guilt, no pressure, just care.

Hi op I get you want to keep on top of things but lying and hiding is wrong you need to have family time otherwise what’s the point of it. These posts are usually the women complaining there dh works too much on These posts. Op the other side of this if you’re doing all these hours are you even getting the minimum wage if you add up your free hours because that’s not good either. Only you can decide what to do but I was once told many years ago no one is indispensable. Don’t regret your choices work life balance is important. What happens when you take annual leave do they collapse or crack on without you.

I'm really bothered but feel a bit stuck on account of financial circumstances. I wake up most mornings feeling like mince -so bloody tired. But also, looking at my organisation, everything feels quite high-stakes a lot of the time, and as a team, it seems we're always pushing through to the next significant breakthrough or smashing a new target. We're always waiting for the lull that never quite materialises, and in the meantime, another momentum builds. And so on.

I have not read the whole thread but I am absolutely gobsmacked that you would do this, I think you should own up to DH and ask for his help to stop.

the workload comprises such a variety of day-to-day tasks, all of high priority (if they're not completed, the following day simply can't happen)

What exactly does “the following day can’t happen “ actually mean? what would happen if the following day didn’t happen? I realise you’re in the thick of it but this makes no sense.

I get what you are hinting at but, believe me, as one who burnt way too much midnight oil because of “the client absolutely needs the report on their desk when they log in in the morning” bullshit, the sky will not fall in if you insist on a more reasonable workload. You’ll still work way more than your contracted hours but you’ll regain a degree of control and some semblance of a life.

NB: How many hours do you actually work per week? What hourly rate does this translate to? Is it worth it…

@MrsEveningsAndWeekends How many hours a week are you actually working? How many hours of sleep are you getting per night?

I totally get having to do the hours when the shit hits the fan or at peak periods, but if you're exhausted your work will be slower and worse and if you had more rest you might find once you'd un-burnt yourself out that you could actually achieve more.

If you need your salary give serious thought to the fact that this may not be sustainable in the long term, depending what hours you're actually working?

You say you can’t afford the financial hit to change jobs - but I bet if you work out your current hourly rate based on the hours you are working, you could find a minimum wage job working more than 40 hours but less than your current hours and find you are better off both financially and in terms of time and your mental load. You’re already working crazy hours, so why not do this? You could then look at progression opportunities there, or use your extra free time to retrain.

Are you in a union? Maybe it’s time to get them involved for everyone? Take a stand together to say “Enough”.

One thing though, unless your public servant job is “Prime Minister” or “Chancellor of the Exchequer” it’s really not likely to be outing to say “I’m a social worker” or whatever it is - how many people do you think there are doing those roles across the country? Unless there’s genuinely only 1 or 2 people on the whole of the UK doing the job, it really isn’t likely to be outing at all.

@Tillow4ever That made me laugh. You're right, it's not exactly outing, but I think I feel a bit disloyal, and 'moaning' is strongly discouraged (actually specified as such in our code of conduct). I suppose I didn't start the thread to whinge, but to get some kind of reassurance from like-mindeds, although that's not how it's worked out.

I'm a teacher as has been suggested, but I didn't want to make it about teaching, which I really love, so thought I wouldn't lead with the familiar narrative of teaching being a bit 'extra'.

I've thought about the kind of manoeuvre you're suggesting; a less well paid job with opportunities for growth. That's probably what'll happen eventually.

I am so surprised to hear you’re a teacher because you made it seem like teachers can’t work elsewhere. I used to work in non-govt dept (quango) and hired plenty of ex-teachers. The examples they used in interviews scored well, loads of great transferable skills. We had a good number of ex teachers in my organisation and all were very happy to be out of it. In terms of salary that would be c£45k plus if that’s useful to know. That’s for a 37 hour week, and many still do exam marking etc for extra money. Good luck OP.

I'm surprised to hear you're a teacher, I used to be a teacher and most of my relatives are/were teachers. Although there can be high workloads, it's never been the amount of time that you appear to be spending working.

When I left teaching, I doubled my salary to begin with, best decision I ever made.

I don't know why you're worried about finances, you could work so many standard 37hr/wk jobs and if the salary wasn't enough, then you'd have free time to also work a couple of evenings a week in a second job.

There's also exam marking (depending on your subject etc.), or private tutoring.

But the place you're teaching sounds utterly toxic, I've never worked anywhere like that as a teacher. It could just be a case of getting a teaching job elsewhere.

There are so many other things you could do to earn at least the same salary as you do now.

If you're a teacher this is even more mental.

Stop. Just stop.

Do the essentials, literally plan lessons, mark what you can, and safeguarding. Sod the rest. The nice to haves aren't happening anymore.

What subject or age do you teach? There's loads of advice out there to cut workload in teaching.

I guess if you’re a teacher at least it’s not long until you have 6 weeks off. You can count down the days!

I'm always baffled by the overworked teachers as most of the teachers I know do tutoring most evenings and exam marking as well on top of the day job. And all the teachers I know manage to take off nearly all of the holidays

Op you are going to have to learn to be ruthless about what is and is not essential

Your job also has plenty of transferable skills, and if nothing else you can transfer to a school that is more sensible in ensuring staff have work life balance.

I knew you were a teacher immediately. It’s so sad.