Hiding working extra hours at home from family -is it just me?

[MrsEveningsAndWeekends]

Does anyone else hide the amount of work they do outside of regular work hours from their families?

My work is so busy at the moment and there really aren't enough hours in the day. My family are great and know that I WFH after I come home from my place of work most evenings and weekends, but there are periods every year where I find I start to 'hide' my working as I know DP and DC think it's too much.

Recently, I've started to get up early on weekends before they get up, to 'go to the gym', but I just drive off and sit in a carpark on my laptop for a couple of hours, before I go back home to say good morning and tell them I'm going to 'start' working. If they think I've 'done something for me', like go to the gym, it's as if it's easier for them to accept the hours I work from home.

The same with the evenings, I might invent an errand or a class, and pull over somewhere and just crack on with some admin or emails for an hour and then get back home and officially 'start' working. I can't claim any overtime as it is just part of my salaried role -I think this is why they feel it's 'unfair' somehow, as DP can bill for overtime.

I don't think they're unreasonable; it's probably me who's overdoing it and I don't like pretending, but I also can't fit what my role demands into 'reasonable' hours. I feel quite trapped as we need my income and I can't see things changing any time soon. Tell me it's not just me.

Hell no, and the fact you are secretly working and lying to your family about it is quite frankly bonkers.

It one of those 'vocation' jobs, so the least said about the salary, the better. I'm earning pretty much the median gross annual salary in the UK. I really do enjoy the hours I spend doing the 'core' of my job, which is probably why I'm still doing it, but the culture is definitely one of 'whatever it takes to get the job done' and high aspirations. My colleagues do similar hours but are either single and childless or single parents of teens, so do not seem to get the same amount of pushback. Our managers do crazy hours and, although it is never implied that it's an expectation, it's just the norm now, and they make a virtuous point of being 'always available' so it's a bit of an insidious creep.

As for emails -anything received at :00, :15, :30 or :45 was obviously written in the early hours, and scheduled for later delivery.
Workload is generally heavy in the profession, but I think certain organisations have more problematic cultures of over-working than others, as one cannot really argue against it -our 'clients' deserve the best chances of success. There are cyclical pinch-points throughout the year which are particularly bad and for which one cannot really prepare too much in advance, but it's a problem all year around. My family have gone to bed now, and I'm just getting started 'going to watch a film'.

My husband does this, but I know he’s doing it so I don’t know who he thinks he’s hiding it from. I’m not stupid! Your family probably aren’t stupid either and also know what you’re doing.

I’m reading this thinking you must be a teacher!

Just read OP’s update. I thought you would be on big money. I am shocked you are doing this if not on big money.

Are you a teacher? If so, it really doesn't have to be like this.
I'm part time now but when I was full time, after I'd had my first child, I worked 7.30-4.30 and everything had to fit within those hours . I do tend to work through lunch but nothing on the evening or weekend.

You need to really start thinking about what you want from life. It’s your weekend, and you’re pretending to go to the gym, so you can work in a car park?? Listen to yourself!!

Do you think your boss is doing the same? Or your bosses boss? Are they fuck. They’re lying in bed with a posh coffee, they’re nipping out for nice breakfasts, they’re playing with their children, they’re shagging their other halves, they’re playing golf. Trust me, they are not beavering away on laptops in Tesco car parks at 8am on a Saturday. I urge you to really think about what is important. In 40 years you will not be saying ‘I’m glad I left my family on Sunday mornings to work for ABC Systems and keep those clients happy back in 2026’.

You say that it’s the culture, but never underestimate the bullshit people spout - they won’t all be running themselves in to the ground, but they might say they are.

If you can’t fit what your role deems “reasonable” into reasonable hours, this isn’t the job for you. Either you’re not the right person for the role, or the demands are unreasonable. Either way, it’s not right.
unless you’re going to give us a major plot twist… your partner is financially controlling and this is the only way you can earn your financial independence?
if you’re worried about what those who care most about you would say, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Social worker?

This saddens me, thinking of you hiding this extra work while huddled in your car. Please reach out to your manager for some support. You deserve to have a healthy work / life balance.

There's so much to unpack in this. The hours are excessive - and I know there are careers where long hours are expected. I've had jobs like that myself, but this is OTT. So there's that. But also, is it a genuine workplace expectation, or an obsession you've set yourself, in which case do you have a mental health issue or a self-esteem issue? That's another thing. Also, you're consistently lying to your family. It doesn't matter that they are 'white' lies. They're ongoing deceptions that will create upset and breach of trust if/when you get caught out. This is a horrible way to be living and you really should do what you can to rebalance things.

That's what I thought. In which case the hours are excessive AND the work itself is highly stressful. Recipe for burnout.

@Mummybud, the gratification is only a gratification if sorts; if something isn't done to a high enough standard, it immediately noticed and questions are asked about priorities etc, so I suppose the pay-off is, in part, the relief of knowing I've met another target, and so will not be responsible for terrible data or my workplace looking bad within the organisation.
@MariaMagdalenaa no, the salary is nothing to write home about. I keep looking at other jobs, but I can't seem to find anything that I could pick up at this stage of my life with a comparable salary.

Academic?

It doesn’t matter though, just step back a bit. There is a limit to the work you can do in the week, so tell your bosses that

I know, it’s tragic.

Sorry but if you are doing long long hours at work for very average money and you have a family, then you are being quite selfish IMO.

You are taking time and energy that you could be spending on your family, and giving it to the job - which doesn’t benefit them because you’re not getting paid any more than a standard fixed hours job.

If you were using that time on yourself (exercise, social life etc) that at least would be beneficial to you and would ultimately benefit your family as you’d be happier and healthier. Or you could get a different job that has long hours but at least pays well.

Your job is just a JOB. I take it you are doing something very worthy that helps people. That’s great if you’re single but if you have a family then they ought to come first. Unless they agree that your work is so important it should always come first - doesn’t sound like they do.

When I was young - a very long time ago - working long, unpaid hours was par for the course if you were at a certain corporate level. Looking back now, with hindsight, I really REALLY wish I had stood my ground and not put up with this sh!t.

Don't let your employer exploit you. It’s just not worth it. You know about no one wishing on their death bed that they’d worked more…

You have one life and one family. FGS look at your life and readjust your priorities.

Yes I’ve done this plenty of times. Because I know it’s wrong, so I hide it. I’d love to say speak to your manager and lower your workload, but I’d be a massive hypocrite.

Honestly for me, DH working ridiculous hours and trying to hide it from me has come very close to being marriage ending.

@OuEstLaPlage no plot twist -we are all being 'streamed for leadership' which means our managers are allocating projects which will allow us to develop new skills on top of core work, as part of CPD.

In the context of others' responses it sounds as bit mad. I think I was hoping for some posters to reassure me that they too do this, so it is a useful reflection.

The fact you hide it means you already know you're doing the wrong thing. Time to sort that out and have a better work life balance or get another job.

I just can't seem to find a job I could do that would pay me even my current salary. I think people in my profession become quite siloed and do not necessarily transition easily into other roles outside of the profession.

Nope. After multiple redundancy threats and one actual redundancy (made by head office by men in suits who never met me) I’ve realised the amount of overtime you work is never acknowledged and often takes people under minimum wage. Know your worth. If there’s too much work then they need to employ more people. We did have a person in our team who was a single man who lives for work and had to stop him working overtime as it meant we had to cover 2 lots of work when he was on leave. He thought he was helping but it was a nightmare.

Agree with @TeenLifeMum - I’ve been through several formal redundancy consultations and it was others who lost their jobs who worked longer hours than me. It’s totally taken for granted. I can see that it is hard to stop once you’re in a role - the time to put a marker down is at the start of a new role.

It must be very stressful having so much work and having to lie to your family. I think you should tell them the truth to make your life easier if it’s the only way you can do.

The risk of work not being done is an organisational one (too much work against resource) not mine to bear and I refuse to do so. I work hard in my hours and then ask my manager what to prioritise if I can’t do it all. Make it their problem rather than mine.