Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

OP has stated she is a carer who is studying and was hoping to go back to work soon.

ETA OP has only posted three times - surely it's not too much to ask to read those three posts?

No of course I wouldn’t and you suggesting my saying that your comment is not helpful even suggests that, takes some stretch of the imagination.

There are some not very nice people out there. And BFs mother is that person.

Now unless OP is going to confront this awful woman or her son confront his mother or his mother have some kind of epiphanic awakening, she has chosen not to get involved. Not good!

What help does you being appalled at her offer?
That is why I said your statement wasn’t helpful and I stand by it. You are free to have a different opinion.

I think there should be some social services involvement if she walks out and leaves a baby.

She's clearly not old or mature enough to take responsibility for her child, so realistically there are two options here. You are ultimately responsible for the grandchild, or you ask her to leave and she goes into parent and child foster care.

She knows you will look after her baby.
But she needs a bit of looking after too. And has done for some time.
As a young girl herself what she was lacking in was guidance and direction. I am sorry to be blunt but it is what she still needs. Advice. She has a low sense of self and her value. She still needs all this. From you.
About how life could be lived, what to value, what matters, what doesn’t. Values are taught. They don’t just ‘happen’. Do you know what hers are ? Does she ?
That doesn’t mean a series of lectures. No.
But in conversation, yes.
I hope she will be back and soon. Good luck.

I've already said perhaps a lot of attention was taken away from her but her older brother was struggling with his mh and I struggled with all 3 children as a single mum including my youngest who is still young and has a genetic condition and I'm a carer for.

Over summer when DD has no exams I don't see why she can't care for grandson, summer holidays are already a struggle with my youngest so I won't be able to do much childcare than I already am doing.

She plans to go to college in September, and yes she is immature and also the youngest in her year.

The bf’s mum isn't involved at all like I said and she doesn't agree with him “giving dd his wages” (her words) but expects him to constantly give them to her for “board” (he's 16, I didn't think that was a thing until children are 18), he's never had grandson on his own at his due to this but also it's not possible as he shares a room. His dad has met grandson once but he lives in another country so he's not involved either.

DD agreed to going on the pill, that was the contraception she wanted but I don't think it was a case of forgetting as I was asking her if she'd taken it and she was saying yes she had.

Dd did come back but with her bf, he didn't know she stormed out and thought I'd just agreed to babysit for a few hours, in the end he did stay over as it was late and I didn't want another fight but I don't know about tonight as I've said he can't stay over when they have exams the next day as they will stay up until silly o clock and not revise but the thing is his mum doesn't seem to care where he is so it's just me that's the bad guy constantly

What help does your being appalled offer
Support to OP if she's understandably frustrated by that fact, and encouragement that she's doing the right thing by continuing to be involved and help out. OP is at a crucial juncture in which she sounds frustrated and exhausted - We don't want her to give up and wash her hands of the situation like the other grandparent, surely.

you suggesting my saying that your comment is not helpful even suggests that, takes some stretch of the imagination.
You seem to have forgotten that the comment you were replying to and in support of implied it was not okay to place blame on his mother. Forgive me for assuming that meant you agreed with it.

Replying to a post does not automatically imply one’s agreement to the point being made by the PP. Quite often it is a challenge or just that, a response, unless stated or implied that it is in agreement and I don’t think my response has done either.

I don’t get your logic with not allowing him to stay over the night before exams. Does he have exams too? From your o/p he’s 17 now and sat his GCSE’s last year?

surely this just forces your dd to be up in the night caring for her baby? If he were there he could do that while she got a decent nights sleep? He did his exams last year so he doesn’t need to revise, and could take the baby so she can.

I think if you aren’t going to help her out by taking the baby overnight before an exam she needs him for support. They have a baby, do you think they’re going to stay up all night shagging and giggling like children? More likely she’s exhausted and will be asleep by 9pm…

I work in a GP surgery and we have a doctor who fits coils but they are available on the NHS via sexual health clinics. Not painful to fit and good for heavy periods. The hormones are also in one area only rather than your blood stream so less side effects. No remembering to take. Can be worn for years or removed early if doesn’t suit/ wants to conceive. I’d seriously try and convince her to get one then it’s one less worry. Ask her to come to talk about contraception with a nurse with you and see if there’s something that might suit them better than a pill.

Deep sympathies to all of you. You are all where you are, and blame is pointless

(I was younger than her when I had twins and no support)

IMO a big part of the issues is that you're already overloaded, a lot of what might have helped your DD wasn't available at the time, and you're all now a bit stuck in cycles.

Because of all the situations you're now expecting her to behave like an adult and be a child at the same time, whilst also sitting exams, and being a mother.
What her status and responsibilities to who are, changes constantly. through each day and night. That alone will cause volatility.

I understand about you wanting them separated the night before exams, but not sure how truly important it is in the big scheme of things here...

Wound up argumentative evening isn't going to result in revision is it?

You've said 'when they have exams.' If both could mutual revision not be encouraged downstairs?

If not his exams too, then he should be looking after their baby while she's downstairs revising, and on hand overnight.

If the babies father and she sit up all night talking, will that affect her exams worse than if he's not there, and her baby keeps her up all night instead?

so are there some compromises that could be made to work?

Ah! This sounds a little messy but I'm going to start with: everyone needs a village.

Who is your daughter's village?

Who is your village?

I know that ideally you wouldn't want your daughter to have children so young. That doesn't mean you don't care for your GS though.

Your GS is here. He's a blessing - whichever way round this goes, and as such, he needs to be celebrated.

Your daughter still very much needs your guidance and love and support. She needs her village to help her: if she were 15, 25 or 35, she still needs you.

Is there someone who can have baby for an hour or 2 whilst you have a chat with her?

Don't focus on what could have been: focus on priorities for today. For the future.

There's lots of people on this thread saying baby needs social services and whilst I agree your daughter and grandson need help, maybe from different professionals and agencies: the help does not need to be social services necessarily.

Having a child at any age is a big change- I think your daughter would benefit from having someone to talk about that big change with and also on parenting ideals. What she wants for her family. How she wants to parent her son and how she's going to do that with her boyfriend.

No discussions of "you must do.." even if that's as small as weaning/discipline or moving out to get her own home.

Be a safe space for your daughter to talk. Asking what her ideals are would help bring things up like contraception in a more natural way. Future plans for school/college/jobs... the life she wants her baby to have.

It's a "what do you want to do after school?" chat but "what are your plans for your future with your son and family?" chat; and really, the guidance is still needed and the help still wanted.

Merit her on all she's done, encourage her and see what she thinks about it all.

BTW: I agree with your stance on contraception, but if your daughter is struggling then this might all seem like it's too much. I think she's after the guidance of not just being a teenager but of being a new mum too. Contraception talks sound like they've gone wrong, maybe your daughter is struggling and this was just a little too far for her (necessary, but taken the wrong way).

Who's your village?

You've not just got your children in your home but another generation now. Who's helping you? Just as your daughter has a new role as a mother now, you have a new role as a grandmother. What sort of grandmother do you want to be? It may feel all too much right now, and understandably but essential: deciding on how much of a role you want to have with your grandchildren will help your daughter - but your daughter still needs the guidance too, and I can only imagine how hard that makes your job.

You love and care for both - this comes through: make that time for you and your daughter by finding your village if needed... Hold your boundaries as her mother, guide her, and help her to become a mum herself. You'll all be ok. I'm sure you will.

From reading your posts I would try to hedge away from finger pointing and blaming this or that. That is not where you need to be. Do not lurch into drama. That will help nobody at all.
Nor decide you have been given the label as the bad one. You haven’t. There is no ‘the bad one’.
You cannot sort things out for your daughter overnight. She has a child. She is one herself. So is the father.
I am afraid they both need you as a parent. You still are one to three children. Because she has had a child it has not made her an adult. Guidance, direction, advice. Support.

I am an advocate for the coil (have had non- hormonal ones for years). But it's misleading to say they aren't painful to insert.

Yes OP, you have been made out to be the bad guy wrongly or rightly, I don’t know.

Is your relationship with your DD enough to build on and get you all through this. Your situation couldn’t get any worse, but it can get better as in make the best of a bad situation.

It would be brilliant if DD could get through her GCSEs and go to college. Her life is not over because she is such a young mum. But it could
all go very wrong if she and her BF are not willing to work with you and support each other.

There are going to be rows, it is going to be hard. Can you do it OP?

And I do agree that after exams and during the summer holidays she must look after her DS, with you grandma watching from the sidelines and being both a supportive mum and loving grandmother.

I know there aren’t many about now but it is worth finding out if there are any young mum and baby groups. Is baby still signed up to a health visitor.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/family-nurse-partnership-programme

https://www.princessproject.co.uk/mum2mum/

Here are a couple of links you could look at. Your DD needs to be in the system to get all the support she needs. It will be a help to you as well.

WTF? Things are a bit stressful so a mother should give her child up? Jesus.

It sounds very much like DD has been substantially ignored by OP due to older son’s mental health issues and younger child’s health needs, and left to get on with raising herself.

Now she’s made a mistake as far as the OP is concerned and instead of trying to help her through a tough period for any new mum, let along a teenager sitting GCSEs, she’s trying to punish her daughter by refusing the support she offers to the other two children.

I’d put money down that the younger child is also a son.

Does she need to be on the pill if she’s unreliable at it? Would she be open to looking into other options?

@doubleredbull I’ve been in your DD’s shoes and you’re being incredibly supportive, she’s very, very lucky. What are her long term plans?

I agree with this. Poor girl, the whole thing is a mess.

Excellent post

Unfortunately all that's happening is often to be expected when children have children, and it's significant that the DD insisted she'd taken the pill even when reminded, only for it to turn out she hadn't

That sounds to me as if she's fully intending another pregnancy, so if she's not prepared to get an implant or whatever I'm afraid that would be me done

You can't just dump a baby on social services. Also why Adult Children's Services? The 15 year old would be under Children's Services.

That sounds to me as if she's fully intending another pregnancy, so if she's not prepared to get an implant or whatever I'm afraid that would be me done

And what would “I’m afraid that would be me done” look like? Changing the locks on your DD and DGS?

Oh this is hard. No winners here really. You just have to try and get through and remember that your daughter is still a child. You’ll have to be the parent for both for a while. I have a 15 yr old boy. No way he’d manage a baby alone.

Break this down into the basics and the fact is that you and your family are simply not coping.

You need help, all of you. You is right and who is wrong is completely irrelevant here. A small infant needs caring for and DD and BF need to get their exams.

I would be on the phone to social services as soon as.

Baby aside, a lot of this sounds like exam stress - must be triply difficult with the baby to care for at the moment. She is lashing out at the one person who is the most reliable - the OP.

In a few weeks this pressure point will be over and she will have the summer before college. Getting to this point is an achievement for a young mum and it’s thanks to her own mum that she had made it to the exams.

I’d say first of all just give a bit of time for things to settle. She hasn’t walked out on the baby, she has left him with his GM for a short time while feeling overloaded with stress.

Help her get an implant to sort out the contraception for now. Then having the BF to stay will be less stress - it sounds like he needs a loving home too.

The OP has been amazingly supportive and clearly loves her GS. The last thing to do in the heat of the moment is talk about adoption. Hopefully things will blow over in the long term. The DD does sound like a very immature and hot-headed teenager, long term it will get better. Good luck.

That baby you are calling “ the baby” is your grandchild so I’d stop referring to him as some stranger that’s been dumped on your doorstep